Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2004-01-16 - 10.30am��previous entry��next entry
Off to France today....
Thank you for the nice messages about Neil's sperm count (sometimes when I write things like this I think, "What am I DOING?!!" Hehe!)!!
Well it's deadline day, if you like. Today is CD14 and I am going to France in about 45 minutes. Well, obviously not literally - I mean I'm getting a million trains and then hanging around at the airport for ages, and THEN I'm going to France. But what I mean is, because I'm going alone, today was our last chance of conception this cycle, because I am sure to have ovulated by the time I get back. We were really hoping I would ovulate before today, but I haven't :( Yesterday I had a negative OPK test and although that usually means no ovulation the next day either, I have ovulated the day of a positive test more often than not. So I could ovulate today, which would be great! I have had fertile CM since CD9 so I am really expecting to ovulate either today or tomorrow anyway.
Guess what?! I had EWCM again this cycle! I charted it as EWCM but it wasn't great quality and there was hardly any, so hmmm. But FF says to chart your most fertile CM each day, no matter if it's only a little. So I did. So my chart looks more promising that it really is, but never mind. It's just good to have some EWCM at all.
However, without going into any detail, I must record that we HAVE now tried and tested the real egg white idea. So we'll see what happens. If nothing does happen, we plan to try it again next cycle, and after that maybe stop bothering with it.
I really really really hope I ovulate today....
A lot of the time I am okay with waiting for pregnancy - notably in the first half of my cycle (devoid of emotion-swinging hormones and the stress of waiting!). But then sometimes I just get fed up with how much of a faff it is to chart and time sex. That's the bit that bugs me the most - how sex has to be "used" for a task instead of being just making love, which is what happens to it when you have to make sure you do it just the right time, and it gets much worse when you have to seperate eggs and sterilise the turkey baster (okay, sorry, I did say I wouldn't be too graphic!). But you know what I mean? One day it's going to be so nice week after week and month after month just to have sex when we feel like having sex, rather than because we HAVE to, even if we are knackered from last time! :)
But it will all be worth it if only we can have our baby.
The other day I was driving somewhere, I forget where, and I was talking aloud to God like I tend to do when I'm driving (alone!). And I suddenly thought from the future perspective. I know that when I actually do have my children years from now, I will be so in love with those specific children. Obviously I will love any child I produce, no matter what. But you know, when I have had them and they are here, I will only know THOSE children and I will be completely in love with them. I don't know who they are yet or when they will be conceived. But having a fair idea of the love I will feel for each specific child in the future, I suddenly realised how in hindsight I would be soooooooo thankful that I didn't conceive when I had hoped, because then I wouldn't have had the child I love so much. In the future, that is. Am I making any sense?!! It was such an upside-down way to think, but suddenly that's how I saw it, and I found myself thanking God as if I was in the future, for keeping me from conceiving until the right egg and the right sperm are there to make the child he has already planned the whole life of.
That was such a relief to see it that way. But it didn't last too long. Mostly my own feelings swamp out thoughts like that, because I am just too impatient to have my baby in my arms. Little clothes are all over this house, ready and waiting. I won some more gorgeous things on eBay this week. And a pair of maternity trousers which arrived this morning. I also got a pregnancy bump cushion, which has been on my list of maternity essentials for years. Someone was selling it sooooo cheap in excellent condition, so I figured it couldn't hurt to get it - I can always sell it on eBay anyway, they sell for lots more than I paid there. Anyway that arrived yesterday. I can see it from where I'm sitting now, and two cute little baby vests with cars on the fronts, and I just sooooo badly want to be pregnant. But I will be, eventually I will be. I hope. So I just have to wait. And learn patience! Which does NOT come naturally to me, so maybe this is a good exercise for me?
Anyway, I will continue to update my chart from France. I can't do an OPK today because I'll be travelling the whole time I should be due to take one (you're meant to take them at around the same time each day). Besides, I don't think I could bear to see a negative test today. It would mean I am not ovulating till at least tomorrow. But I'm sure I will ovulate this weekend, since my latest ovulation has been CD17 so far. I come home on CD17, but if I ovulate that day it will be too late by the time I get home I think, and any attempts we made before going to France would likely be unsuccessful. So I'll wait for my temp to rise, hopefully tomorrow morning, to tell me I have ovulated. I will try not to think/stress about it any more because it's out of my hands now.
I'd better go now, but I'll update again soon!
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25