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2004-03-19 - 11.02pm��previous entry��next entry
Scan update at 7 weeks, and scared
Thanks so much everyone for thinking of me and leaving messages :)
Bean is fine, phew! Scan went well - here is a picture (Bean is the peanut-shaped blob and that little circle next to him/her is the yolk sac):
I was nervous, but all the staff were sooooo wonderful, and the sonographer found Bean straight away. Neil saw it all first because I wasn't at an easy angle to see the screen till she turned it my way. We saw the little heart beating!!! Like a flicker of light in it's centre, nice and fast. They couldn't tell me how fast though, not exactly.
Okay but now I need prayers. I am so relieved that Bean is fine, and the pregnancy is normal. I have been discharged to my GP and don't need another scan till the normal first scan at 12 weeks now. This is wonderful. But I am having a real problem with morning sickness. It has got worse than ever and I can't eat or drink anything. I can sip water (well I could yesterday, just about) and today I hit on the magical idea of ice-cubes, which are less gaggy than liquid.
But that is it. I have lost so much weight and I was kind of borderline underweight in the first place. I feel utterly nauseated ALL the time, and the last two days have had real problems with being right on that urge to barf, bucket and all, and my stomach heaves and heaves and I just feel wretched and terrified. But I haven't actually been sick yet. Last night and this morning I was heaving and I know I should have been sick but I was too scared so I fought it with everything I had in me. And eventually the heaves settled.
I didn't know how I would get to the hospital this morning, I was so weak and nauseated, feeling like I was literally about to be sick at any moment, for hours on end. But Neil was so sweet, he helped me dress and prepared plastic bags with no holes (!!) to take with me, and water. He walked me to the car. I am very weak now and get out of breath at next to nothing. Somehow we got there anyway, and once we arrived they gave me a nice cardboard bowl, which was much more reassuring to have near me than huge rustly plastic bags! I didn't use it though, thank goodness.
When I said I couldn't eat, and hardly got any fluids either, they sent me in to talk with a doctor and a midwife, who prescribed me anti-sickness suppositories (niiiice!) because I can't take tablet form right now. The midwife sat me in a waiting room with my bowl and a little cup of water which she commanded me to SIP, NOT GULP!! As if I would gulp! I sipped enough to wet my mouth a few times, my stomach felt too lurchy for more than that. Neil went straight to the hospital pharmacy to get my suppositories, and when he returned, the midwife did me the honour of administering my first dose!! Sooo not nice, but much much MUCH more bearable than the nausea. Anyway they are meant to work within 20 minutes, and it didn't work. AT ALL. All day. So in the afternoon Neil booked me an appointment with a GP at my surgery (haven't seen this one before), to ask for an increased dose, since that's what the doc and midwife had said to do if it didn't work.
Neil and I went in to see the GP and she seemed concerned and asked me to pee in a tubey-thing, which I did, and she dipped a stick in my urine which practically SHOUTED out (apparantly) that I am acidotic and ketotic. Already. Great. She prescribed me a much stronger dose of the same suppositories, and said that if I still couldn't take anything or keep anything down by tomorrow, I would have to go into hospital.
Now, I cannot TELL you how much dread and fear this fills me with. Please please please please pray for me, I am completely terrified. I am desperate not to go into hospital. I don't even know what will happen to me or how long I would have to stay, and I can't bear hospitals, or staying overnight ANYWHERE that is unfamiliar or anxiety-provoking or away from my loved ones. This ordeal would be all of the above, and I don't know how I could possibly cope with it. The doctor said it is bad for my baby to have my body in this state, and bad for me too. I know she is just telling the truth and I am probably being over-sensitive, but I found that so harsh. It frightened me. She was very kind other than that though.
I am so scared. I know they will just put drips in me and get my fluids back up and maybe some dextrose to bolster up my blood sugar, but really, what else is that gonna do for me? I mean yeah, fluids would be good, necessary even. But I'm still gonna be morning sick aren't I? And I still won't be able to eat or drink, so I'll just be in there for EVER, and I can't bear it, I can't bear it. And I hate drips. But that's the least of it really.
Well I used the first big-dose suppository earlier this evening and it hasn't helped. I feel doomed, absolutely dreadful. I feel sicker than sick even on a big dose of a very effective anti-emetic, which seems to work marvellously for every other woman in the world, so why must I have to feel this sick and fail to respond to everything that might help me? I am not really honestly cross with God but I do wonder why he is letting this happen to me. I have been praying so much about each stage of trying to get the nausea under control so I can eat and drink, but at every step it just gets worse. Why?
I am 7 weeks today (Bean measures 6w4d) so I have 5 more weeks of this. At least. How in the wide world is it possible for me to deal with this? I feel that it isn't. I don't know what to do. I am desperate and scared and so upset at the prospect of being hospitalised and yet still feeling this awful. I feel almost as bad at the prospect of NOT being hospitalised but continuing to feel this awful.
Oh God help me! I don't know what else to do. I haven't had much time to rejoice about Bean because I have felt so awful. I did sit and cry for a fair while this morning, just stroking Bean's picture and loving him/her so completely. Wonderful feeling, and it was such a relief to know everything is okay. The doc said my hemotoma is clearing up and even so, I should not be worrying about any further brown bleeding from now on. If it becomes red or I get cramps, I should worry, and go back to see them. But brown is okay for me, apparantly.
I just want to feel better. And NOT go into hospital. Please God, please let the next suppository surprise me and work. Please.
I don't know when I will be able to write again, especially if I go into hospital, but please pray for me, I SO need it. Just that my fear will go and I will have God's complete peace and comfort, and that something, SOMETHING will really work and fix my nausea so I can eat and drink. Pray for help. Please. And good doctors. And help.
I haven't been writing so often because of feeling too sick to use the computer. I needed to make the effort this evening, sick or not, because I needed to let you all know about the scan and also to ask for prayers about tomorrow or whenever it all happens (I still hope it won't). I will write again when I am able, but I don't know how long it will be. Hopefully I will miraculously improve over the next 24 hours and will write all overjoyed to say that I am doing better and don't need the hospital after all!! Oooh I hope!! But otherwise I may not be near a computer if I go in, and will try to write when I get back. I don't know how long they keep you for in these cases. Maybe days? I don't know. I hope not long at all.
Please pray for me.
I love you all.
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