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2004-03-17 - 2.08pm��previous entry��next entry
6 weeks, 5 days - pretty much had enough
Sorry no update in a couple of days. I know it sounds melodramatic of me, but I am feeling just too sick to sit at the computer at all, so I haven't been online.
I started bleeding again last night, just after midnight. I was having an extremely nauseous evening (!!) and felt the old leaky thing going on again, and I knew I was bleeding. Mind you, yesterday was such a good day originally, because I had the leaky feel in the morning and went all worried to the toilet, but it was CLEAR CM!!! For the first time since the original bleed!!! Yay! But not so yay, since it started up again later. But it's not red, just very dark brown so I guess that's okay, and I have had no cramps.
Last night I couldn't help but be somewhat shaky and scared about it though. It's just not nice to bleed in pregnancy.
I did not get a single wink of sleep last night. Well maybe one or two, since my head kept nodding and waking me up, but I had one of the worst nights I can remember. I have never felt so like I was going to be sick and NOT been sick. Urgh. I sat upright with a bucket allll night long on the sofa, too nauseous to sleep. I comforted myself with the thought that I would probably feel better in the morning, but noooo.
Last night, I am ashamed to say, I felt so unbelievably awful that I wished I was not pregnant. But the idea of losing my baby was scary because I knew that if I did, I couldn't imagine ever wanting to go through this again. My brain went leaps and bounds ahead of itself and started imagining us in the future, old and lonely without any children. All because I couldn't bear the morning sickness. Urgh, I feel so stupid for these thoughts, and it's not like I've been sick yet, but I can't remember feeling more awful, and it's so persistant. Please forgive me these thoughts if you are someone reading this and still desperately hoping and trying for a baby of your own. I FEEL offensive in saying this, but I hope I am not offending anyone. My pregnancy books say it is quite normal to have these feelings, even after a much longed-for pregnancy. I DO want my baby. My mind is just clouded with how awful I feel and lack of sleep, and hormones, probably.
I wish it WAS just "morning" sickness - as it is I have no window in the day or night where I feel relief. No time to cram in my nourishment and fluids because I have a break from the nausea that allows me to. I am scared about this. Yesterday I nibbled at a few things but basically got next to no food inside me. I had less than a glass of fluids. I could not manage my prenatal vitamin for the 2nd day running. I feel like the worst mother-to-be in the world and I sit here crying as typing this is making me feel it again.
I just feel so ill, like it's never ever going to end, even though I know it will eventually. I can't eat, drink or sleep, and how am I even going to live on that, let alone my little one inside me? I feel like everyone is gonna think I'm so awful and tell me to try harder, but I'm TRYING and I just can't swallow anything. All night, just swallowing saliva made me feel like my stomach would empty. For the last few hours I have been having an occasional sip of water to wet my mouth and that is going so-so. It's not so much that I can't bear food right now, it's the swallowing thing. I absolutely can't bear it anymore, and it makes me feel (no word for it) because it's only been 5 days so far - this is the 5th day of nausea, and already I am not eating, drinking or sleeping. I feel so pathetic. But so physically awful. And there are weeks and weeks to go. And I can't fathom how I could possibly ever get through them, I mean, how could I even LIVE through them if I am unable to get fluids and food?! I am worried for me as well as my baby.
Is my baby even there? We will find out on Friday. I'm not going in for an earlier scan, even though I'm bleeding, because it's not red, I have no cramps, and anyway, my scan falls within 72 hours of the start of this new bleed, so even if I am miscarrying it will be early enough to get an Anti-D shot in time.
I phoned Mummy about an hour ago and cried and sobbed on her, and she was wonderful. Made me feel like I could do it, you know. Reassured me that if I AM sick I will be okay. Reminded me that all these tears and nausea were good signs of a healthy pregnancy. Told me that it will be sooooooo worth it at the end of the road. And that it will feel incredible to feel better once I make it through the morning sickness.
Neil has been so lovely. He worked all evening on a big presentation for work, on the computer last night. Then he lovingly made me some mashed potato with sweet corn mixed in (the only thing I felt like eating at the time). Then he fell into bed, exhausted. Then I woke him up to tell him I'm bleeding. He sat with me a while and then I got super nauseous and had to pace the living room, and he sat on the stairs just so he was "there". He was so tired out, poor love. I was flipping out about bleeding and saying I needed another scan NOW (!!), so he figured out a way that he could go into work early, hand over to someone for his presentation, and come home again to be with me. He phoned his work at 1am to leave a message saying what was going on, and then he went to bed.
But this morning I wasn't bleeding heavily and I had worked out the 72 hour thing, and I felt too sick to move anyway, so I said he might as well go to work as normal. Company is nice, but I am too nauseous to be any company right now, and to have someone with me doesn't make it any easier to deal with to be honest. If I have to be sick then I have to be sick, as much as it scares me, it really makes no difference whether Neil is by my side or not. God is with me and he is everything. I did not forsee a huge bleeding crisis, and anyway, I could always phone him at work if something awful happened and he could come home. So he has gone to work as normal.
I managed to sleep upright on the sofa for about 3 hours this morning after he left, and I listened to my Morningwell tape again, which I think does make a slight difference sometimes so it's worth a try.
A lot of people have emailed me lately and I really do mean to reply but I just am not feeling well enough to spend much time online, so that is why I have not replied. But I am really grateful for the support - thank you!
I am feeling pretty sick so I'm going to go now. Hopefully update again soon - asap after the scan in any case.
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