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2007-03-31 - 10.35pm��previous entry��next entry
6DPO - yet more long-winded crazy ramblings...
Thanks for more sweet messages!!! :) It's so fun to read your notes, though I'm very sorry to be disrupting people's day and causing obsessive thinking, hehe! ;)
Well, I don't know what to think. I know I'm only 6DPO - that's just soooo early. Anything could happen. Most beans would not even have implanted yet. But for me, it's a critical stage, because my period could show at any time now. I sooooo expected a temp drop this morning, but it was the same high temp as yesterday's, much to my surprise! The cramps faded out last night and were mild this morning, pretty much unnoticable through most of this afternoon, and now they are bothersome again, just the same as last night.
I went to the supermarket today to do the week's food shopping, and the whole way round, I was so distracted because I was convinced I was starting my period then and there. I just felt crampy and leaky and all that fun stuff. I got the shopping done and drove home, and rushed to the toilet to find absolutely nowt. I seem to be running and checking constantly today! Part of me TOTALLY expects to see my period literally within the next 60 seconds, at any given time during the day. The other part (waaaay smaller part) is thinking, "You know?.... I think maybe I'm pregnant..." And I have no idea which part of me to trust, because maybe my excitement over it is clouding my gut instincts. My gut instincts are starting to tell me I am pregnant, but I feel very squeamish even writing that, because I also feel SURE I'll see my period like 5 minutes from now and feel super stupid for having said I thought I was pregnant! *sigh*
This crampiness has a warm full sensation with it low down in my abdomen. That is more "pregnant" for me, but doesn't necessarily mean I am.
Today I am properly nauseous. Well, queasy. I am sooooo queasy, and have been much of the day. Most noticably in the afternoon and evening, which happens to be the norm for me with morning sickness. BUT, morning sickness this early is NOT a norm for me. With the boys, I started morning sickness at exactly 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant, all of a sudden at a certain point in the day. With my two chemical pregnancies, I was really really nauseated from around implantation time and it got worse as the week went on. So if this IS morning sickness, it makes me wonder if this will be another chemical pregnancy (if I am pregnant, that is)? I still don't know why I would have the same nausea with both chemical pregnancies and not with the boys. I wonder if it was related to pregnancy outcome? Or, who knows, maybe those chemical pregnancies were girls and that's how I'm going to be if I am pregnant with a girl. I know Julie was sicker than sick with Ava, but not in the least with Nathan, so I wonder.... It makes me MIGHTY nervous about having a girl! I do not want to throw up, not even once!! Yeurgh.
Although.... I DID complain of a lot of queasiness in the very early stages (like before my positive test and the week or so after) with Matthew...
Anyway, today's queasiness was bothersome allll the time I was at the supermarket because of all the food smells. Especially round the fruit and veggie aisles. It just really turned my stomach and I felt grey and queasy walking there. Oh and standing in the vicinity of any other shoppers who smelled even slightly of cigarettes or garlic, ohhhh... it made me feel so yucky. I felt the same way later when Neil talked about the dinner that I needed to make (not that he was saying I needed to make it, but that he talked about the dinner, and I needed to make it!). Just to think about it made me feel sick. Then he talked about Arthur's pooey nappy and that made me feel horribly queasy too. So that is definitely definitely pregnancy-ish weird for me. Not something I ever get leading up to a period.
Today I wanted fruit again, but after dinner I sliced some up for everyone for a quickly bashed-together dessert, took one bite of apple and instantly felt sick to my stomach at the sight of fruit, and couldn't eat another thing. We had ice-cream with it, and after two mouthfuls I had to admit that I couldn't stomach even another taste. Sweet stuff is NOT appealing to me. Exactly like my pregnancy with Arthur, from before I even tested positive.
I charted IBS today, as I am sooooooo bloated and uncomfortable. That might well be contributing to the nausea actually. I wonder whether to chart it in hindsight for yesterday and the day before, as it was unusually bothersome those days too. I charted gassy and bloated instead at the time, and today is definitely worse, so I'm not sure. I am just so full of AIR and just gassy and bloaty, and my tummy hurts. That's very like IBS for me, but I just read back some of my diary here, early on in Matthew's pregnancy and it was interesting to read that I had those symptoms too, early on. And that almost everyone in my June Due Dates group at FF was saying stuff like, "Ohmygosh I am sooooooooo bloated and gassy! Anyone else?!" So I know it's also an early pregnancy norm. I DO get IBS so it could just as easily NOT be a pregnancy symptom, but I don't think I've had it this bad for a long time. My IBS has generally been a lot better since having Arthur, but it was pretty awful again in the first half of my pregnancy with Matthew.
Urrrrgh I am just going CRAZY here!!!!!!
Today I bought a twinpack of Clearblue pregnancy tests at Tesco. Those were pretty good and clear for me at 10DPO with Matthew. I don't have any other pregnancy tests in the house, leftover from last time, etc. We hadn't got to the point where we knew we were about to TTC, so I haven't stocked up like I usually do, on cheap internet HPTs. I did place an order today though ;) I always buy them here and choose the cheapest multi-pack I can find. Usually those ACON sticks. I bought a 10-pack today. I used them with Arthur and with Matthew, and got faint-but-clear positives at 12DPO and 10DPO respectively. I figured they would take till Tuesday to arrive anyway, and that's 9DPO for me so I am SURE to have my period long before then. I can't imagine getting to 9DPO! But then I will be all stocked up in case this happens again another month! :) And of course, for when we are properly TTC.
Ooh, when I was buying the online tests, I noticed they have a product that I hadn't seen last time I was there - it's a blood type test!!!! Blood group AND rhesus factor!! I bought it. It's only �9.99, and I am rh negative and have now had TWO rh negative babies, and I'll be darned if I'm being stuck with those HUGE anti-D needles for another pregnancy if my husband has been rh negative all this time and we're incapable of producing any rh positive babies! The NHS won't test Neil's blood type unless he needs surgery or something, and it's a huge faff to go and find somewhere private that will do it. This way is easy, and at our own convenience too! Yay! I'm so excited to find out what he is! I haven't told him yet though.... I know he's going to be less than thrilled at the prospect of me poking him to get some of his blood for the test, but it will be worth it to finally know :)
Brief pause there while I go and check my underwear for the 40 millionth time. No period! I do have more CM today, which is what is driving me crazy thinking I have my period. That in itself might possibly be a pre-period thing though??
Okay, I had better hurry up and write whatever else I wanted to write, because I just paused again to nurse Matthew and now I am just so tired out that the screen is making my eyes boggly.
Neil was acting more nervous about the possibility today. Eventually I asked him if he wouldn't be happy if I was pregnant, and he said he would definitely be happy, but that it was also scary! Which I agree with totally.
Ummm, what other things?.... I am still getting chilly feelings on and off today, but I did have a hot flush in the supermarket. I keep feeling my skin (?!) on my face, because an absolute dead cert for pregnancy for me is if I have "pregnant" skin. I don't care what the odds or the outcome, if I have "pregnant" skin, I am absolutely 100% undeniably pregnant. At least, that is my history so far, even with the chemical pregnancies. But I haven't been sure what to make of it so far today. Or at least.... hmmm, stroking my face now... (could I be any more obsessive tonight?!)... it IS soft, but I just don't know if it's the right kind of soft. Neil would know. He always knows when my skin is pregnant. Maybe I'll ask him in a minute. Although maybe it would freak him out?!
I still have that barely noticable is it/isn't it a sore/scratchy throat. And nothing else is springing to mind, so I think I will stop for now.
As last night, I am really expecting to see a temp drop in the morning. Last cycle I got my period within hours of this exact stage. My biggest hope right now is that my LP improves, or at least doesn't get shorter than last cycle. If it doesn't show before I go to bed, it will at least be the same length as last time, which is something. I so want it to improve on its own though, so that our chances improve for when we DO want to TTC! I am thinking if my temp IS still up tomorrow, I will consider testing as early as 8DPO (if it's still high that day too, of course). That's still craaazy early, but my BFP was clear enough at 10DPO last time and I just want to knoooow. I know it will drive me nuts now that I feel so many fairly good pregnancy symptoms, if I get my period and never knew if I was actually pregnant or not by getting a faint positive.
Okay, yet ANOTHER break - tsk, midnight now! I am going to bed, honestly! I went to the loo (again, lol!) and decided to check my cervix. It's excitingly pregnant right now!!!! Wheeee! For me, that tends to be high or medium high, and an unusual combination of soft at the edge and firm in the centre, and very tightly closed. It's all those things tonight! :) It's never that tightly closed when I am charting and I'm NOT pregnant, so that has me all excited now! Plus, it needs to open a little bit if I'm about to get my period, so that's a... relief??!! This should be scaring the heck out of me! But it's not. I'm so excited, and now I'm worrying that I'm letting my hopes go up too much, incase they are brought down again with a bump if/when I get my period after all.
Anyway, then Arthur was stirring so Neil and I peeped in on him, but he was fine. Then we got to talking. I asked him about the skin on my face. He stroked it, eyes staring off into the distance for extra concentration (hehe!) and then said, "It is rather soft, isn't it!" with an awkward little smile :) Then I said, "I just checked my cervix too..." and he said, "What is it, high and tight shut?... Why do I know all this stuff?!" hehehe! He talked to me about some job roles he was thinking of applying for, and then said wouldn't it just be the way if I was pregnant with twins. Then I told him that my ovulation pain this cycle was actually bi-lateral. Hmmm! I don't know what to make of that. I nearly always feel it on the left hand side, so ovulating from my left ovary. Very occasionally (pretty rarely really) I feel it on the right. This time I felt it in two clear centres, a seperate area of pain for each side. I DON'T think I would be pregnant with twins though.
Although! I don't know if anyone remembers waaaaaaaaaaay back in my diary, I had a really vivid dream two nights before I tested positive with Arthur's pregnancy. It was SO real. Anyway, in the dream I had a baby, and then time fastforwarded and I saw myself holding another baby. Then I saw two toddlers (those two babies a bit older) playing together, but I think they were a boy and a girl, so hmmm, that's rubbish then! But anyway, the last thing I saw in my dream was me holding a newborn baby in each arm - twins! I woke up immediately and thought how sad it was that if that was a prophetic type of dream, I was only going to have four children, haha! And twins do not run in our families at all. But anyway.
I am going to chart "weirdly soft skin". It's not the full-blown thing, but it definitely feels soft enough to chart, Neil thinks.
Oh I almost forgot - I have woken up from REALLY vivid dreams 2 or 3 nights/mornings running now. I'm not sure about that first night (3 nights ago) now, as it's too far back to remember properly. But the last two nights' dreams were very weird and vivid. That's very progesterone-y of me. This morning I was getting shot by someone with a gun whilst hiding in a cupboard! That is actually a suspiciously typical "pregnancy" dream for me, so... another thing that has me going crazy wondering!
Annnnd... I can't think if there's anything else. I must go to bed! I have not noticed being particularly weepy today so I'm not charting that. Funny, it was a 4-day run at a similar stage of my luteal phase in Matthew's pregnancy too.
Okay. Enough with the obsessing! I need to wind down and sleeeep! I am crampy. Maybe I will get my period.
Somebody hit me with a mallet!! Or is there an "off" button I could press?! I am driving myself insane today. Hopefully more obvious indications tomorrow, one way or the other. I'll be sure to update tomorrow! Thanks for riding this lil rollercoaster with me so far! :)
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