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2004-03-01 - 4.14pm��previous entry��next entry
4 weeks, 3 days - Doctor's appointment!
Well I have a little more news today. I am wondering if I might have the tiniest weeniest little bit of pale brown spotting today. I never spot before a period so I am not immediately worried that this is a pre-period type thing. But hmmm. I read that spotting can be normal - even bleeding. But it can't be "brilliant", can it? I am hardly sure whether to call it spotting, it's that pale. I can hardly tell it apart from what I normally see, so hmmm. Hmmm.
Also yesterday evening I started getting more persistant discomfort, let's say, on one side of my lower abdomen. Of course I immediately freaked out about the possibility of ectopic pregnancy. I know they are not that common (well, 1 in 100 actually), and that I don't have any particular things that make me more likely to get it (except I have know way of knowing if I have endometriosis, which is a factor apparantly).
It's not sharp pain - which is the thing to look out for. It only bothers me because it's on one side in the same location and it doesn't really stop much. It's sort of a deep ache, or maybe a miiiild cramp. Sort of. And this afternoon I had a little backache at the same spot only through to the back, if that makes sense.
I feel less worried about it today, partly because.... well, I don't know why. I just looked at my possible spotting and thought about my possibly worrying discomfort and felt devoid of all feelings really, including anxiety. I started to pray about it, but it felt pointless because I've already done a ton of praying about this pregnancy and the safety of my Bean, and I trust God, I really do. I know he's faithful, and whatever he does is in my best interest. I am feeling a bit deflated and naff because I know from experience that sometimes my best interest is for things to take a tough route, like my depression in the past, my long-term illness with M.E, and having trouble conceiving. Those were the best things for me, even though they were hard, because look what amazing things came out of them?! I can bless others like I would never have been able to otherwise, and God has given me compassion and understanding for people in these situations and many more as a result.
So I know that sometimes a hard thing is the right thing, and that God will ultimately bless me as well as equiping me with amazing things as a result of the hard stuff. Like he healed me, allowed me to fall pregnant, and will eventually bless me with a healthy baby.
So this is a good thing to be secure in, but I am also nervous that he is choosing for me to go down another hard path that will let me have empathy with mothers who have lost a baby or something. I feel bad praying this, but I keep asking God if he'll just let me keep my baby and skip the empathy course. I feel kind of selfish for that, when I know whatever he has in mind for me will be the biggest blessing to me ultimately.
Well today I went to the doctor. It was an exciting milestone but at the moment I am having a hard time getting excited about any aspect of pregnancy since deep inside I am getting scared I'll lose it, and trying not to be too attached.
The doctor grinned and rolled his eyes when I said, "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant!" because I was only in there just under a month ago getting a referral from him to a fertility specialist! hehe! Typical! Anyway so he took my dates, etc, etc, and said it's a bit early to confirm anything at the moment, since I am so early on. He said they would need to confirm things with a pregnancy test but they like to wait till a week after the missed period for a more "accurate" firm diagnosis. What?! I took SIX tests already and they all came back positive!! But I sort of understand his point.
He apologised for the fact that it would seem like forever till I get that test! I have a urine specimin thingy and a path form, and I have to take a sample in on MONDAY, which is just AGES away!!! But if I can wait that long and still be pregnant, and get it confirmed, I will be a lot more reassured that my Bean is a sticky one!
He asked if I did a test at home, and I said yes. He asked what the result was... uhhh?!! Positive?!! And he asked if I felt any different. I said yes but forgot to tell him all the little ways I feel different, since I got straight onto my concern about this one-sided discomfort. I told him I was worried about ectopic pregnancy. He said it is early for ectopic symptoms but not unheard of, and asked what it felt like. I said crampy-ish, like a dull ache, but in the same spot. I didn't say about backache (which incidentally has been minimal and only happened for a few minutes this afternoon so far), or the spotting, since neither of them had happened when I had my appointment.
Anyway, he had me hop up on the tabley thing (what ARE those things actually called?), and lift my shirt, and he pressed around in my tummy. Doctors always press sooooo deep!! He squidged my kidney about and there was no tenderness at all so it's not that. I'm relieved because of my childhood history of kidney disease. Glad there are no problems there yet! Hopefully there won't be either.
Anyway it was soooo tender down my left side above the hip, and also at the spot where I am getting this discomfort, inside my left hip low down. I was sort of tensing my muscles and going, "Ow!" but it wasn't anything that worrying, it's just that he was pressing so hard where it was tender. He pressed like about 4 inches down into my FULL bladder (which I had thoughtfully kept the contents of since the previous night in case he wanted to test there and then!!), and I yelled (much to my surprise at myself!), "YOW, ME BLADDER'S FULL!!!" Just so you know, my accent is a normal uninteresting British accent, not a cockney London one like the above phrase suggests!! ;)
Anyway then he took my hand and put it on my tender place that I'm worried about. He pushed down on top of my hand and said, "Can you feel that ridge?" Oooh yes, I thought, what on earth is that enormous solid scarily tender thing?!! Well, slightly embarrassingly, he explained that it is my bowel which is apparantly both annoyed and constipated!! Ahhh the shame! But I'm glad I asked. I still feel nervous about the ectopic thing though, because much of the discomfort is surely too low for bowel? And why is it only in this one spot all the time?
Well anyway he was about to prescribe me Fybogel (baaaarf) but I managed to disuade him by telling him I thought I would have trouble getting down a drink of that consistency as I've been "a bit like that" since finding out I'm pregnant. I have fed those drinks to soooo many patients when I was a student nurse, and nooo way do I want to ingest them personally! Well, plus I DID try them once for my IBS, last year I think, and they were truly repulsive. So yay, he didn't make me have them, and he suggested plenty of fluids (which I am bad at, so that's a good thing to start doing), fruity drinks, and raisins or sultanas every day. I will try it but I'm not sure it will work. My bowel excels at constipation, even when NOT under the constipating influence of pregnancy hormones! Mmmm, don't you just love my attention to detail here?! ;)
Anyway before I left I just wanted to hear him say something vaguely like I came to hear him say, so I asked, "But do you think...." and he answered before I finished, "Yes, I do think you're pregnant." Yay! He said this is a week to rest a lot and watch for bleeding and things like that, and take things very easy. He asked if I work, and he said it was not the week to go on long walks or do anything strenuous. He said to rest up and then have things confirmed next week, and we'll go from there.
So that was my first appointment!! The doctor I really wanted to see was away AGAIN, so I saw the doctor who referred us (because my favourite doctor was away then too).
Well, other news! Yesterday I was soooo tired. In fact, I am just now beginning to appreciate what all the pregnancy books are on about, over this early pregnancy tiredness thing. I was beginning to think, "Wellll, I feel a LITTLE tired, but hmmm, nope, I don't think pregnancy is making me that tired!" Ha ha! Yesterday I was bone tired within an hour of getting out of bed. By 12.30 I was too tired to stay up any more, so I went to bed and slept 1-3.30pm. I never take naps, and if I do, they always make me feel groggy and yucky afterwards. But yesterday I felt fresh and "topped up", like I had really needed it.
By 6pm though I was too tired to stay up again, so I went back to bed and read The Pregnancy Book (the Dr. Sears one). It's so exciting now to be able to read about the first 4 weeks of pregnancy and for the first time it's actually about me!!! I'm not just reading it wistfully, waiting for the day when it is. I've been reading pregnancy books since my teens. Studying midwifery was a wonderful excuse to stock up on the latest versions when I was 18 and 19!!! I loved to read them, but they were never about me. Now they are :)
I can't remember what else I did yesterday. I ate okay.
Today I got up at 8am to make a doctor's appointment, feeling good. My temp was 36.9 for the 3rd day running, nice and high, and nice and stable. I am currently 17 days past ovulation. Taking Charge of Your Fertility says that if you have high temps that are sustained for 18DPO, you are almost certainly pregnant. So even though I know I'm pregnant, I still want to see those 18 days filled with high temps! One more day to go :)
I took a bath and went to the doctor's. When I got home I spoke to Neil on the phone and did a load of laundry, feeling thoroughly knackered by this oh-so-energetic morning (!!), and finally had no choice but to hit the hay around 1pm. I slept from 1-3pm, and had a hard time keeping my eyes open till about 3.15, then I got up mainly because I wanted to check if I was spotting any more. I am still not sure whether to call it spotting, and now that I think about it, maybe this is the same as yesterday, but I wouldn't have called that spotting. Sooo hard to figure out if it's this slight.
Anyway, now it is 4pm and I have been typing this entry since I got up. I'm not too sure what else to do today, because quite frankly I feel like going back to bed and sleeping till bedtime! I don't feel worn out exhausted, like if I had done a hard day's work. I just feel tired like I need to sleep, it's weird, but it is just like the books say. For some reason it always surprises me when things happen just as the books say!
Okay I have slept through lunch, although I had breakfast, and then a ton of salted nuts and pickled onion Monster Munch before my nap. So I need to eat. Yesterday I continued my thing of getting super-hungry every couple of hours. The most heavenly thing I suddenly hit upon early evening, was using a stick of celery as a scoop in a tub of coleslaw! Mmmmm..... It was sooo good!! My stomach LOVED the mayo and the carroty bits and the celery stick, but HATED me for the onion and cabbage. I knew I had to have a supply of coleslaw when I smelt it quite by accident in the supermarket. It was a heavenly smell... Mmmm, maybe I'll have a ham and coleslaw sandwich for lunch? Mmmm, okay my tummy is cramping and scrunching in agreement, so I'm going now!
Hopefully I'll continue to have happy news to write here this week :)
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