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2004-02-28 - 8.35pm��previous entry��next entry
4 weeks, 1 day
Hello again! I'm sorry I didn't write this morning but today was kind of busy in the end. Thank you SO much to everyone who left me a message or sent me an email after last night's entry, I absolutely can't TELL you how much it meant to me. Judy and Cristie, I read yours before I went to bed last night and your words helped me immensely :) But everyone's messages were lovely, thank you!!!!
Okay now for an update after last night's weird entry!
I am pretty sure it was hormones. After I wrote my diary, I was just soooo down and I wanted my mum like NEVER before. Neil couldn't console me at all, and I sobbed and wailed and cried because I wanted my mummy and I couldn't deal with how I was feeling, which I also completely didn't understand!
Anyway, after a lot of crying and getting held by Neil, and finally getting to the sniffling stage, Neil sent me up to put some cosy pyjamas on and my dressing gown and slippers, while he made me the food of my choice. He is so wonderful to me. Well I went upstairs and wailed and wept climbing into my pjs, and sobbed taking a pee, and then came down and cried on Neil some more, and then.... BING! It was like someone flipped a light switch. Well, almost that quick. I mopped up and suddenly felt great! Sooooo weird. So I am guessing that was my first taste of some serious pregnancy hormones!! Yikes.
I wanted chicken nuggets, chips and sweetcorn - not the most nutritious meal in the world, but it was a good deal better than loaf upon loaf of French bread, which was all I seemed to want for the previous few days! Anyway, that corn.... ohhhh I couldn't get enough of the corn! But today I had corn again for lunch and it did not thrill me at all. Today I was ALL about bland pasta and tinned, chopped tomatoes.
So anyway, I went to bed happy. In the morning my temp was 36.9, still up there - phew! And I felt so happy and fine that I did not think I needed to test today - so this is now my first day of NOT testing since I found out I am pregnant! I plan to test tomorrow morning though, with my last test. I hope to see a nice darkish line. That will encourage me greatly.
Today I am mildly crampy here and there, although not too often. I ate marmite on toast for breakfast but man did I feel sick after I finished the second slice. It was like my tummy really did NOT want more than one slice, and I shovelled the rest in anyway just because that's my normal size of breakfast, but yuuuuck I felt sick for an hour or two after that.
Today I am delighted to say I FEEL really pregnant!!! Yay! That is always a helpful thing to feel! :) I am peeing more frequently again, and I have been hungry every two hours almost exactly. I am always completely NOT hungry, or ravenous, never anything in the middle.
I did not cancel on my old school friend today after all. I have been so tired all day, but not in a bad way if that makes any sense, and I didn't want to put her off till next weekend when I could potentially be feeling yucky at 5 weeks of pregnancy.
So it was nice to see her! I showed her a couple of my cloth nappies and the general swathe of baby clothes all over the spare room (!!) and she said, "Ohhh how sweet! So are you going to have a baby then?" and I was joyfully able to say, "Yes I am actually!" And then she was all thrilled and excited for me and ohhhh how I love this!! :D
I am hungry right now (came on during last paragraph, you see?!) and I desire fruit and veg at the moment instead of the carbs I was desperate for in the week. I think they are kind of... erm... bunging me up, so to speak! Well actually that is probably pregnancy too, since it's very common in pregnancy. So anyway, I want fresh veggies and fruit. But we haven't been to the supermarket yet since coming home from France, so we have no fresh things :( So I am heating up half a tin of chopped tomatoes in a mug, and right now that sounds like absolute nectar!! I am going to eat it now, and then I'll carry on updating.
Wowee, hot tomatoes are just so yummy! Nicer than hot chocolate. Honestly! :)
Okay what else. I am crampy.
Oh, Neil phoned round his family today to tell them "the news"!! I love this telling people business. I know it's kind of risky incase I do miscarry, but we are such an open couple anyway - like I am in my diaries - so it feels weird for people not to know stuff like this about us, even if we do end up having to tell them I miscarried. I actually have a really good feeling today though, that this is not going to happen. But if it does, I would almost appreciate the fact that others knew and so can better appreciate our loss and support us. I would HATE telling them, but.... Anyway, it's not gonna happen. I hope! :)
So Neil phoned his little sister who is 17, and she squealed such a lot down the phone that I could hear her over the other side of the room!!! And then he phoned his other "little" sister, who is the same age as me (nearly), and she made highly excited noises too! And later he spoke to his brother who yelled, "BRILLIANT!!" so loud that I heard it clearly (again from across the room!)!! :) I like telling people. I like hearing my husband tell his loved ones. He says it so proudly. Every time he told someone for the first time, he said, "Alice is pregnant!" but it was the emphasis on the syllables and the tone of his voice - I felt so wonderful hearing him say it. I could tell he was so proud to announce it :) I just sat on the sofa watching him talk on the phone and smiling. Sooo nice.
Gordon from church phoned - his wife (Katie) is now 21 weeks pregnant I think, and they are the couple I had to sort things out with, after being all jealous and all that. Yuck. They all prayed for me at housegroup all of this past week, that we would not need the fertility specialist because we would already be pregnant. Yay for a faithful God!!! :D
Anyway, I told Gordon and he was thrilled for us. Although right after that he began grilling me on whether I was eating right. Urgh. I know he means well and I know I need to eat well, but it was a bit guilt-trippy like if I wasn't eating fantabulously or getting a quota of particular foods then I wasn't giving my baby what he/she needs. I don't need that kind of pressure, so I just tried to let it wash over me. I know ALL about what to eat in pregnancy but I will also go with my body a little. I'm not going to super-nazi it into ingesting foods that it doesn't want, for example, though I will try to eat a good healthy diet and get my 5 fruit and veg a day, etc. I will drink milk unless it makes me sick. I will do all the right things in as far as my body will let me. And if it doesn't let me, then I will eat what I CAN and not stress about what I'm missing, because I know the baby will take from me what it needs and I will be the one missing out, not the baby. I will do the best I can.
I had horrible heartburn for two hours this afternoon, and I loved it!!! I am not sure if I am going to be so joyous about heartburn after a few weeks of it, but for now it is so marvellous because it is such a pregnant thing! :) I kept saying to Neil, "Yay I've got HEARTBURN!! Ow!!" and grinning. I am crazy, but happy-crazy, if you know what I mean!
I have a new "feeling" today that I have never felt before and it makes me so happy and I want to write about it, if there are words to describe it.
I went to the post office today to pick up some baby clothes and fabrics in packages that arrived while I was away. There was a long queue. While I was standing in the queue nice and still, I realised that I had a weird.... sort of "feeling", very deep and low down in the pit of my abdomen. So low that it's almost right between my legs. Or maybe under my pubic bone. I can't exactly pinpoint where. But anyway, I have been trying all day to find the words to describe it. I tried to describe it to my mum on the phone and to Neil. It feels so wonderful, even though it's so subtle that it's barely perceptible.
If you can find something that is velvet, run the pads of your fingers over it, only they have to be barely in contact with the fabric at all. Just barely. The sensation is sort of featherlight softness, and a slight tingle. That is how I feel somewhere inside, low down. I feel like there is softness inside me, only it's slightly zingy and.... oh how frustrating that I can't describe it the way I want to!!! It's like a buzz but not nearly as strong. Like a softness. The second part of this feeling is a "drawn-up" feeling. Quite similar to if I drew my pelvic floor muscles right up and held them there. Well it's kind of like that but without the muscle tension. I feel absolutely tightly "drawn" and soft and zingy somewhere inside, and the feeling is like nothing can drop out of me. Until today I was worrying if I got watery CM because I couldn't tell if it was something coming from my womb or something. But today I feel so sewn up in that department that I feel physically secure around my womb and my cervix. Is that weird? Is it possible for me to physically feel such a thing? Well anyway, whatever it is, the gut feeling of this sensation is that it makes me feel physically pregnant, which I like very much!
After I left the queue at the post office I didn't notice the feeling again till the next time I was standing up and being still long enough to sense it again. And throughout the day the feeling has become gradually stronger, so that now I can feel it constantly, even when I am sitting down typing or chatting with Neil. Mummy said it sounds like how pregnancy feels, from her memory of early pregnancy (rather faded now!).
My bean is now the size of a full-stop (period). Like this one --> . It has now entered the only time in the entire pregnancy where it is not visible in the womb at all. You could not even tell where it had implanted. Sometime between 12DPO and 3 weeks after ovulation, the embryo buries itself deep inside the lining of the womb and can't be seen. Maybe that accounts for the zingy thing I'm feeling? Or not. Well anyway, at 3 weeks after conception, the embryo re-emerges with a rudimentary spinal cord and clefts where the brain will develop. But between now and then, it is buried deep in there, snuggled down. I like that. It makes me feel more secure. I hope it IS secure.
Well Neil is ready to go out to the supermarket now, so I'm going with him. He says to stay and rest up and write more in my diary, but I know I need to be there to choose my enormous stocks of snacks and healthy foods! I am eager to go food shopping actually. I am keen to get lots of things to eat. I am hungry such a lot. I am tired so that I am a bit giddy but oh well. I will try to get an early night and rest up a bit more in the day, as I know it is very normal to be exhausted without doing anything in early pregnancy.
I will update again tomorrow! Thanks everyone for your wonderful support! :)
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