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2004-02-27 - 9.31pm��previous entry��next entry
Home from France and feeling horrible :(
Another evening update! Thank you for MORE happy guestbook entries!! Lovely people :)
Well we have been travelling all day it seems, and we are finally home from France. We got home about an hour ago. I am so tired. We are both so tired actually. I feel really weird and unhappy, so after various attempts at fixing how I feel (tidying the house, switching soft lighting on, opening my MILLION packages of baby clothes and other stuff that was waiting for me when I got home!) and Neil trying to say uplifting things, we decided I should come online and write my diary and look for some of my usual "online comfort".
So here I am. I am feeling soooo sure I am not pregnant anymore. I have not needed to pee all day long. Seriously. I didn't drink that much today but there have been days where I had soooo little to drink and still peed a lot. Also I did not need to pee in the night last night. I am not hungry. I don't "feel" anything. Except I feel tired. I feel like crying a lot because I just feel so inexplicably down. Nothing has made me feel this way, I just do. Neil wonders if it's hormones. I don't know. I just feel like the root of all pessimism this evening, and I think I am starting to see a pattern here. So far since my first positive test, I have been happy excited in the morning entries here, and scared and nervous and negative by the evening. Every day. So maybe that's all it is.
I am just so scared to lose a baby, even a tiny only-just baby like mine is. I feel again like I am sure to have a temp drop and get my period after all, like surely my body can't REALLY maintain a pregnancy. I feel like sooner or later it's all got to go wrong.
Please nobody tell me to stop worrying or being nervous because it's bad for my baby. I KNOW worrying is bad for my baby, and therefore if I had any ability to stop worrying about it I would be doing so. But I can't seem to switch it off. I'm scared, and scared can't just be switched off by thinking, "Okay, that's not a good idea then."
Bleurgh. I felt sick a lot, earlier today, but now I don't. I am not sure if I mind sweet things anymore. Shouldn't I still be peeing and disliking sweet things if I was doing those things before? I smelt coffee on the plane and again on the train, but it didn't gross me out. Help. I'm scared :(
I feel so down. About nothing. Maybe I'm just tired from a day of travelling. I hate travelling, I have just decided. I seem to hate it more every time I do it. The novelty has long since worn off. I hate flying and catching trains and breathing horrible sweaty air on tubes and being cold inside my coat and not having enough leg room. I hate travelling because of how much I get nervous and feel unsettled the whole time until I am firmly rooted at home again. I hate it also because when I do finally get home, it never feels like home and I feel unhappy and restless and unable to make myself feel settled for ages.
So maybe that's all it is?
I don't know. I also don't like another feeling I have this evening, which is how I have no particular excitement or joy about being pregnant at the moment. Like it's all one big huge not-all-it's-cracked-up-to-be anti-climax. And I feel awful for feeling that since I tried for so long to get here, and wished and longed for it and swore I would never feel apathetic about it if ONLY I could be pregnant. And because other people are still out there trying and being miserable waiting because it's so hard, and much worse when someone who has actually got there says, "Oh I don't feel like I want to be pregnant after all."
Blargh. I don't know what I want right now. I don't know why I'm feeling any of these things or how to make them go away. Maybe this is all part of the emotional side of pregnancy? I hope that's all it is. I keep thinking, if I lose this baby, what will I do? How will I carry on? But then if I DON'T lose the baby and pregnancy progresses nicely, even then, what will I do? How will I carry on? Can I do this motherly thing? Can I cope with being pregnant? Is it going to be okay? Will being a mother really make me happy? Or am I in for a big huge let-down/shock? I'm scared it might be the latter, even with the joys of parenting thrown in. Mind you, yesterday I couldn't have imagined thinking like this, so who knows what is wrong with my messed up head tonight!
I don't know what else to say tonight. Sorry it isn't cheerful, but I feel so mixed up and insecure and unsettled and also unsure if I am really pregnant still. So scared of a chemical pregnancy. I opened all my baby clothes packages from eBay and just didn't want to look at them. I folded them up as I got them out of their packaging, and put them out of sight in the spare room, together with my breastfeeding book that was on my bedside table, and basically anything that reminds me of having a baby.
I want to feel better. I want to go to sleep for a long time and only wake up when things feel nice again. I want to be able to have some contraption that can take a snapshot of my womb or my bean and give me an accurate reading of whether it is going to stick or not, so that I can stop worrying all the time. Every day I feel like, well I am pregnant today, but who knows if I will be tomorrow? And then the next day I get a positive test and my temp is up, so I think, well I'm pregnant again today, but who knows if I will be tomorrow? And so on. It's not nice. I just want to feel secure in this pregnancy so I can start to relax and enjoy it. I have just seen too many scary stories online, and people are always saying about miscarriages, it makes it seem like a high probability.
I am cancelling my old school friend tomorrow. Neil says next weekend would be a better time and I am not in a good state to tidy the house and greet a friend I haven't seen for many years with all this hanging over me right now. So I will call her tomorrow morning and rearrange. But then I'll have to tell her something, and I can't figure out what yet.
Oh well. I am glad to be home, but I hate feeling like this. Neil feels for me, but there's nothing he can say or do to fix things. I am irritable with him this evening (maybe tiredness), and unresponsive to his encouragement. Please someone help me to feel better if you somehow magically know the right words to say. I feel pathetic for asking but I really need some encouragement. I try to keep saying to God that I trust him and whatever is his will for me and this pregnancy is the best thing for me, and I accept that. But the feelings are kind of hard to squash. I can't find out if I am still pregnant till tomorrow when I temp again and test. But oh, I wasn't going to test again till Sunday. Hmmm. Maybe I will test anyway. I'll see how I feel in the morning.
I'm going to try and convince my stomach it's hungry now, although maybe I should just go to bed? And my parents were not in when I called to say we were home :( I feel like I miss them so much already. I wanted to cry as the plane took off and I watched the ground get further and further away from us. I wanted to cry as we landed in London as well, since it's always a relief to have the flight over and done with!
Anyway, hopefully I am still pregnant and all this is part of it. I don't know, I do not feel that convinced. But I will update again in the morning.
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