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2008-11-06 - 11.11pm��previous entry��next entry
5 weeks, 2 days - in France, and an issue...
I'm in France at my parents' house right now, and I really don't have time to update properly, but I had to update however briefly to say a couple of things. [edited to add - my parents gave me loads of time after dinner to write a big long entry, in the end, so here it is!]
We came overnight on Tuesday on the ferry (it went okay! Yay!) and arrived here in the afternoon the next day, which was yesterday. So we haven't been here long, and I'm just exhausted, and there's so much to see and do, just at the house! The boys are busy and excited all the time. Even with all this, my sense of foreboding about this pregnancy hasn't gone, in fact it has increased greatly.
On the overnight ferry I was distracted by the thought a lot, and I'm not panicky about it in the least, nor am I letting myself dwell on it. It's just... I can't describe it - such a STRONG feeling that I keep on getting distracted by it without even meaning to. I am mostly putting it out of my head and enjoying the time here.
Yesterday we were travelling most of the day and then it just wouldn't have been right to arrive and say hello, I'm just popping to the computer to update my diary! ;) But I SO longed to get the chance to update, just to write out my feelings about it. I have had so much distraction here, and I'm happy and all, but I can't describe how often and how intensely I have been distracted from what I'm thinking, seeing, or doing, by this almost physical feeling of doubt about this pregnancy. I have been mentioning it to Neil and to my mum a few times each day really, just because I'm distracted and it's really on my mind. Then I'll put it out of my mind again and continue enjoying myself! It's weird.
It's like I have been waiting for miscarriage - I know that sounds nuts. Last night I lay in bed and found myself praying that I would not miscarry in France, but then ended up praying that I wouldn't wait till we get home either, because that would just mean being more pregnant when miscarriage occurs, and also Neil would go back to work and I'd be on my own with the boys, etc. I felt guilty for dwelling on it that way, because how NEGATIVE for the baby if it IS a healthy one! ;) I assure you though, I haven't been obsessing or dwelling on it like crazy. I am happy and not anxious, and mostly focusing on the boys and my parents and the lovely surroundings, and trying to catch up on sleep a bit (I'm just dizzyingly exhausted since the journey here and haven't caught up yet).
But little things remind me again. Like, for example, this morning Neil made coffee at breakfast time. We never drink coffee at home, so I never get to smell it. I know from previous pregnancies though, that coffee is an OFFENSIVE odour from basically the time I get a positive pregnancy test, or even a bit before! So I braced myself.... but the coffee smell didn't bother me at all. That made me think, "Hmmm...." because of the STRONG feelings I've been having all along.
The other thing that concerned me was that for years I've been reading accounts of other women who've miscarried, and so many of them say that they somehow knew all along that the pregnancy was not viable. That is how I've felt from the start really. I only wrote about it here about a week ago though.
Today I think I have said three times to various people, "You know, I'm just not convinced about this pregnancy...." The urge to write my diary has been overwhelming, just to record it.
I'm 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant today. I normally get morning sick at 5 weeks and 6 days, and I HAVE had some queasiness in the evenings which I started to think might be morning sickness a little early, but I can't be sure. It could be just tiredness even. So I have been waiting for the 5w6d milestone on Monday coming. I just feel like I won't get it though.
When it came to the boys' bedtime tonight, after Nathan's bath, while Neil bathed the older boys, I went into the bedroom with Nathan to breastfeed him, and when I lay down with him I realised that my underwear felt kind of wet. So I just thought (like I have been EVERY time I feel somewhat leaky), "Okay so the bleeding is here then." Very matter-of-fact, because honestly it just feels so inevitable. I know it sounds like I'm just being OTT or silly, but it's a feeling I can't describe or shake. It's not even a panicky feeling, just a matter-of-fact feeling.
So when I had breastfed him and put him into his cot asleep, I went to the loo and found a good amount of bright red blood. I didn't get that moment of not being able to breathe properly, or feel panicked, sick or shaky. I just instantly thought, "There it is, then." Just as though I had been waiting for it to show. In some ways I felt relieved to see it. The tension and anticipation had been growing today and it was becoming a little uncomfortable. I had a bit of backache earlier in the afternoon, but nothing much else.
I didn't bring any pads with me, though when I was packing, I did hover at the remaining pregnancy tests, wanting to bring them with me. I thought that was silly so I didn't, but I guess I would use them if I had them with me now. I also thought about bringing pads, but I spoke to my mum on the phone and she said she had a few (I was telling her I hoped I didn't miscarry or something while we were in France! It really has been a weirdly foreboding sense all this time), so I knew I was covered if I did need any. Well, she hasn't got many and they're not the big ones that I'll need if it really kicks in, so tomorrow she's going to get me some more from the supermarket.
At the time I saw bleeding, and I told my mum and Neil, I was totally composed and said it was not unexpected at ALL. And that I had no hope at all about the pregnancy. It seemed so much like I'd been waiting for it to happen all along.
So, after that I put Matthew and Arthur to bed, and while I was doing that I started to get really crampy like a period. When I finished settling the boys, I checked my pad and there was more bright red bleeding there - not loads but enough. And I was really quite crampy, back and front. I took painkillers and Mummy filled me a hot water bottle straight away.
Now it's about 5 hours later, and I am surprised that I haven't had much more bleeding. When I wipe it's bright red, but not blood flow like when I was on the toilet the first time. I am also waaaay less crampy - barely at all now actually. That could be the painkillers though. The fact that the bleeding is slowing down is throwing me a bit, because I was 110% sure it was a miscarriage. I put my hand on my tummy in the dark bathroom and whispered, "Ohh, I'm sorry Babydot. I knew you weren't okay, but I'm sorry..." Now I am a bit nervous because a tiny part of me is wondering if Babydot might be alive after all? I have a HUGE history of bleeding during pregnancy, even heavy red bleeding last pregnancy. And the doctor said last time that he was encouraged to see BRIGHT red bleeding, because with miscarriage they look more for DARK red bleeding.
Also I did have awful cramps with the heavy bleed with Nathan, like a period. I could even feel my uterus all cramped up into a hard ball (I was 11 weeks then) with my hand through my abdomen, and that was NOT encouraging! But he's here! So, ugh, I don't know now. I have never had such a weird sense of knowing that a pregnancy is not viable though, and I can't shake that. It's not my usual early paranoia, it's more than that. I'll feel daft if Babydot is fine after all and I'm holding him/her in another 7 or 8 months, won't I?! But I have also had such weak pregnancy symptoms where they're usually strong by now, or else none at all. I know every pregnancy is different, but just everything combined left me feeling pretty sure that I knew. When I found the bleeding earlier this evening, I was just sitting there in absolute AWE of a woman's ability to just KNOW, where it's surely impossible to know, right from the start, that the pregnancy was not a viable one. How can I know that?! It just amazes me that I can know, and not just a hunch or a sort-of-kind-of feeling, but a can't-shake-it, in-your-face feeling. It's amazing to me.
So, now that my bleeding has slowed down, who knows. It looks pretty poor though, in terms of pregnancy outcome. I feel okay. I feel like I will be sad when I have time for it to sink in, and especially when there's confirmation (like I pass some huge clot or something obvious like that). I feel sad if I talk about it too matter-of-factly, like earlier when I was googling miscarriage at 5 weeks. It's so early, really. And I haven't miscarried yet, but I don't know if Babydot is still alive in there. I read that the 5-6 week window is a very common time to miscarry, and the cause of those miscarriages are 70% chromosomal abnormalities. So I know that Babydot is just not able to survive, because something has gone wrong in the chromosomal department, if I really am having a miscarriage. That is okay. It is sad, or it will be, when I let myself get to that point, but for now it's okay. God gives and he takes away, and I know where Babydot has gone, if he/she is no longer alive in me. It's okay.
I don't have tests or anything with me. If I was at home and didn't bleed much more tomorrow, I'd go to the doctor and hopefully she'd arrange an early ultrasound around the 6 week mark, if I hadn't miscarried by then. But I won't be home till next Tuesday - well, Wednesday really, since we won't get to our house till after midnight on Tuesday. And I would be 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant by then. It's a long way off, and a lot could happen in that time, while I wait here in France. I just have no choice but to wait it out, and see what happens as time passes.
I DO have my thermometer with me - I remembered at dinner! So I will try to remember to take my temp in the morning, and that might give me a clue as to where things are at, I hope. If it has dropped right down then obviously things are as I expect - the baby is no more and I wait to miscarry. If my temp is still up, then it could be still up because the pregnancy hormones haven't fallen low enough yet to allow my temp to drop, or something. Or, it could be because the pregnancy is continuing. I just won't know. I WILL be encouraged (and surprised!) though, if my temp is up and my bleeding/cramping is all but gone. Or if it has turned to brown.
I wish I could fast-forward. But I'm okay. I'm not anxious. The only thing I'm slightly anxious about is what to expect with the blood loss. But only slightly. Otherwise I seem to be at peace and able to wait it out and see.
I will try to update as soon as I can tomorrow with my temp and what's been going on with the bleeding overnight.
I really value your prayers right now. I don't know what I need prayer for because God has me very much at peace, and I know he's in control - as he was when Babydot was conceived even. So it's going to be okay, and I trust him. But I guess please pray for things to be clear one way or the other, and soon. And for any miscarriage I might go through to be not too painful or heavy with the bleeding. I want to enjoy my holiday, and be available for my little ones, and also to stay involved in activities, meals, and so on, as normal. I don't want it to be difficult for anyone on my account. When I'm sad, I want to be sad in a healthy way, and have time and opportunity to do so. Please pray for that. So far I am just praising God for his wisdom and his goodness to me, and for the peace he's giving me right now. I love him so!
I'll update tomorrow. It's late now so I must go to bed.
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