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2008-10-26 - 9:58 p.m.��previous entry��next entry
3 weeks, 5 days pregnant, yay!!!
Wowee! Thank you so much for allll the congrats on my PREGNANCY!!! Aaaahhhhh, I'm really pregnant, I'm really pregnant! I'm going to have a baby - eeeeeeeeee!!!
It really is still just occurring to me! It's so surreal. I don't feel that pregnant - well, I do really, but it's not at the "in-your-face" stage yet, and with the whole disbelief thing I have going on, I sort of need in-your-face-ness to believe it's true!
I did take another pregnancy test this morning, and it looked like this:
At first I thought the line wasn't showing up (it showed up fast yesterday) and felt panicky all of a sudden! But it still came up within the first 20 or 30 seconds, and it looks nice and clear to me today, so I was relieved! I took a photo of it next to yesterday's test, like I always do, for comparison, and was very reassured by what I saw!
So I am letting myself hope that this baby will stay with me. I got a new book called Your Developing Baby, which is basically going through pregnancy in ultrasound pictures. I have lots of pregnancy and baby development books but not one that has soooo many ultrasound pictures at all stages, so I wanted to read this one! I like it, and it's going to be great to show the boys the pictures as I go through my pregnancy. I also have A Child Is Born, which is a completely awesome MUST-HAVE book! I showed that one to Arthur when I was pregnant with Nathan and he liked seeing the (amazing) pictures, later on in my pregnancy.
Anyway, I was reading this new book yesterday (I bought it a couple of months ago), and also started checking the embryology websites that I have bookmarked, and I know that the baby is 0.1 - 0.2 millimetres in size at the moment - that's not really visible! So tiny! But the whole pregnancy itself is the size of this: . A dot! My baby is just a precious little dot right now! And without expecting to, I suddenly put my hand low down on my abdomen and said out loud, "Aw, hello Babydot! I love you!" So, it has stuck. Every time I think of the name "Babydot" I feel mushy and warm and slightly weepy, and can't help smiling. My hand automatically reaches for my tummy and I'm generally all hormonal about it! ;) So this little one's name will be Babydot, till we know more (IF we find out this time!). And, that's NOT Baby Dot, like Baby Nathan, or Baby "Surname", no no. It's Babydot, said like all one word. I don't know why even! It just popped out of my mouth and now it's burrowed down cosy in my heart while Babydot burrows down cosy in my uterus, hopefully for the long haul.
Today I told Neil that the baby is Babydot, and he was concerned that I'm getting too attached too early. He asked if I was going to be okay if I lost the baby, getting attached like this. I said no, I would not be okay - no mother who loses her baby would be. But I can't help getting attached. I am even surprised by the strength of the feeling (even though it's my 4th time in 4 years! You'd think I'd remember it by now!), so early on, only two days after finding out that Babydot is here.
You know I said I didn't think I was pregnant? Well, I was thinking... I looked back at my older entries and I wrote this at 3DPO this cycle:
"Also I have been distracted a few times in the 24-48 hours after I felt ovulation pain (especially after my temp jump the next day!), feeling excited that something amazing was taking place inside me. I feel like I've been "aware" (sounds nuts) of the fact (thought?) that there could likely be a little tiny bunch of cells rolling down my fallopian tube, dividing, dividing, dividing... just a bunch of cells, but still absolutely complete in its blueprint - every detail of a complete baby/child/adult human being packed into those cells, starting the journey of developing into that fully grown person. I try not to dwell on it, because that seems the most "sensible" thing to do, but I just keep being distracted by the thought. It is exciting, because it really could be true! :) If it's not, then okay I guess I will feel daft in hindsight, but at least I'm on a positive roll at the moment, haha! ;)"
And then I remembered that on the night of 1DPO I had a baby dream (so, when I woke up at 2DPO). I never have those at all, so I remember it was significant. I wrote it in my FF notes, and meant to mention it here, but forgot. I can't even remember any details of it now, but it was about having babies. So I guess in some intuitive way I have known about Babydot from the moment he (she?!) existed. Which is so precious!
Today I have had many times where I've suddenly felt "leaky" and had to go to the loo quick to check. I actually palpitate and can't bear to look when I get to the loo, which tells me how much I love Babydot and long for him/her to stay. I have had maybe-spotting today, in that it's vaguely tan but not much more than yellow staining, and there was another pinprick dot of pink in it at one point, so I guess I will chart spotting, but it's not OBVIOUS spotting. I am also really crampy at times again today. I know it's normal at least! I try to think about Babydot burrowing in and making connections with me, accessing my teeny tiny new blood vessels made especially for Babydot in the last week or so, and think of the cramping as FEELING Babydot doing important things inside me.
I am suddenly SO incredibly desperate not to lose this baby. I was talking to him/her today when I had a moment to myself upstairs. I just wanted to connect and FEEL, and I told Babydot how much I love him/her already and can't WAIT to see what he/she looks like! I can't wait to hold him/her (this him/her thing is getting old already! Maybe I should just plump for the "him" since that's my feeling?!), and see those bright, beady, curious new eyes peeping at me, and the wet rumpled hair and the damp pink skin. I told Babydot that I would fall in love with him INSTANTLY that I saw him, even though I already love him this much.
On the other hand.... Today I realised for the first time that I have to give birth again! ;) Now, I have always said how I love giving birth - no matter whether it's long or painful or stalled or feverish, or whatnot, it has always been sooooo worth it in the end and I end up with such fond memories. But I don't quite feel the same fuzzy enthusiasm to do it again this time! Maybe it's because the last time feels so much more recent? I guess it's a tad earlier than I'm usually pregnant again, and also the time has whizzed SO MUCH FASTER since having Nathan, than with my other babies! It doesn't feel like much time has passed since I gave birth, and I still boggle that Nathan is already 9 months old. So maybe that's it? Nathan's birth was wonderful (aaargh, I don't think I've included a birth story for him yet on my links!!! I'll have to do some copy and pasting soon, from when he was born, and add more details to the story as I go along), but so indescribably painful at the end! The birth itself was so fast and painful. I can totally manage labour, even drip-enhanced contractions, right up to about 7cm or so, and then I go right from "doing marvellously!" to "screaming banshee who cannot take another millisecond of this paaaaaiiiin!!!" Since my births got fast (Matthew and Nathan) - the actual second stage (my last one was recorded as 2 minutes, but it was faster than that. They were too busy putting gloves on as his head shot out to really have an eye on the time, haha!) is sooooooo painful. I don't push at ALL. I just yell with the pain and try to keep breathing! Afterwards, OH MY GOODNESS it is so completely ridiculously worth it all, and I'm instantly craning to see my baby and wailing (loudly) about how beautiful he is, and feeling euphoric! I mean, within seconds of the screaming banshee act. So, it's just an isolated difficult thing to go through that pales into insignificance with what follows. But I know things will be fast again at the end, and I know how that hurts, and I'm not eager to do it again! After Nathan's birth I genuinely decided to not try for any more homebirths, and to make sure I get an EPIDURAL next time! Because I thought, that way I can have more chance of slowing the 2nd stage down and tearing less (bonus!). I would love to not scream my baby into the world (what must that be like for the poor sweet thing?!). I would also like to experience enjoyment of that stage, and even have a go at seeing the birth with a mirror. I'd like more chance to choose a happier position. I give birth kneeling or a cross between that and all-fours, because it's the only position that I can bear, even though I can't bear it anyway. I tried others and you do not want to know the volume I reached when I had a contraction there.
Sorry if this is not a helpful thing for people to read if they have not given birth before!! I don't mean to scare anyone or give childbirth a bad rap! ;) It's WONDERFUL, I mean, life-changingly, incredibly, how-blessed-am-I?! wonderful. If I could change the pain at the end aspect, I would literally be LONGING to do it again, just the birth! I love giving birth, and I just want to enjoy the 2nd stage more than I do. I was Group B Strep positive before, so I quite possibly could be again. I am not sure what to think about planning the birth yet. I seriously only realised that part was inevitable this evening, haha! ;)
Okay it's getting really late. Nathan is waking slightly less this evening. I do think he has been so unsettled, wakeful and clingy because of my pregnancy, somehow, as Melanie suggested. Both the other boys were like this too, at this stage of a new pregnancy. But tonight I put him in his cot asleep after an evening-feed and thought I had laid him down too far up the cot (still doing feet-to-foot). I went to shift him down and looked down at the bottom of the cot, to see his feet RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM!! He has literally grown inches overnight, it seems! I also noticed today that when he stands at the furniture he looks way taller against it, like the sofa seat comes up lower on his body than it did yesterday - I'm not kidding! Neil was holding him this afternoon and said, "Wow, this boy's got bigger! He's so tall suddenly!" So it must be true! He surely can't have grown INCHES just overnight though?! It really does look that way. Neil got down the 9-12 month baby clothes today and Nathan fits them well in the length, so who knows?
Today I have felt soooooooooo completely wiped out and exhausted, like I don't quite remember feeling, but I'm sure I DID feel this way in my other pregnancies! The last 3 evenings I have felt just too tired to talk, and like I couldn't keep my eyes open. Today it was ALL DAY long, and I'm getting nervous about tomorrow (Monday, so Neil is back at work). I really don't want the boys to have a naff time because I'm too flaked out to give them a nice day. I have rested some today, but I should have got an early night, not stayed up! I really wanted to update my diary though, with today's test photos and things. Once I'm morning sick I'll be able to update much less, because it makes me feel sick to use the computer (sadly!).
I have some twinges and pains today around my pubic bone, and in my lower abdomen in general. I have a big appetite and get hungry pretty fast after a meal! I also have a horribly windy tummy which is really uncomfortable, but something that is 100% normal for me at this stage (and unfortunately, for a good while longer!). I am really light-headed and dizzy today, but this evening I have a bit of earache and I'm hoping I'm not starting an ear infection or something :S I never get those, but it's possible since I had that congestion lurgy very recently. Urgh! But otherwise, it just feels like I'm dizzy because I'm really tired out, that sort of thing.
I am still breastfeeding all 3 of my children! In the last month, I have cut Arthur and Matthew down to just bedtime milky, so only one feed per day for them. When Matthew has a nap (we can't decide whether he should or not! He gets TIRED OUT without one, but stays up way too late if he has one - he seems to really need one still, so some days we let him and other days we stretch him out), he gets breastfed to sleep at usual, so then he has 2 feeds that day. I really didn't want to cut Matthew down, but it worked that way because of Arthur's nursing being cut down. Arthur is not happy about weaning. I am not sure about the plan for the next few months where that's concerned, but we'll see.
Okay, MUST go to bed! Thank you so much for all the congrats and comments (and Jemma for your sweet offer of help!)! I'll update again tomorrow probably, because I plan to go to the doctor (with all the boys, yikes! Not an easy outing!) to tell her I'm pregnant. Last time I remember her telling me I should go to see her AS SOON as I know.
Tomorrow I would be 13DPO, so definitely missing a period, yay! :) I will also be 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant tomorrow! This is all so wonderful, and surreal! Thank you Lord for my precious new Babydot!
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