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2004-06-13 - 7.20pm��previous entry��next entry
19 weeks, 2 days - much better today!! :)
Thank you so much April, Katie, Michelle and Yvonne for your lovely guestbook messages after my last entry! You were so sweet and didn�t tell me to pull myself together or stop being so negative, etc! Thank you! :)
Okay I am doing soooo much better so I wanted to update and say so! Yay!
I am soooo sleepy right now. I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and my fingers are just learning to type again. Good thing this is in Word (again, Diaryland still useless) because otherwise I would be making a LOT of spelling mistakes! Bleariness. Mmfh.
Anyway I am doing great today! Yesterday after my diary entry I cried for an age and then finally phoned my mum. Daddy answered and I was all thick-voiced and sobby and he was so sweet, he just wanted me to feel better but he didn�t know what to say to make it all go away for me, so he said I would feel better soon and it was probably just hormones and he handed the phone to my mum. She made me tell her evvvverything that was bothering me, and then she was all sympathetic and then she said everything was so normal and all down to hormones and it would be okay. Isn�t my mummy just perfect? :) Anyway she suggested a billion things I could do (because of the bored factor) and none of them made me feel good until baking came up. All of a sudden I was like, �Oooh, baking!!� and so Mummy said I should be setting myself liiittle goals, not bit tidy-up goals. Little ones like tidy the sofa instead of the whole living room. And then rest and reward myself for doing so. So with the baking she said I should just get a surface ready to do my cooking on, and then rest for a while if I was tired. Then I could go back and mix some of the ingredients, and if I got too tired I could put them in the fridge for later. No pressure. After a rest I could tidy like 4 things away in the kitchen and then finish a bit more baking, and that way I would be getting a little bit of tidying done too.
So I cleared the kitchen table and decided to make these little scone/cake/biscuit things with currants in (they are yummy). It�s a recipe from my class baking project at school when I was 8 :) But it needs pastry cutters and our cutters have been sitting in a not-so-clean storage box for ever, so I wanted to soak them and clean them in the sink. But the sink was sooooo scummy! Urgh. So I got out the cleaner and the scourer and scrubbed that sink till it was a whole new colour (!!) � that was sooo satisfying and I was really pleased to get it done, even though I had to rest for half an hour after that. But it didn�t stress me out that I had to rest, because Mummy said that was okay. Oh man, I still need parenting. I hope I grow up quickly in the next 5 months so I can be grown up enough to be a parent myself!
Anyway after my rest I baked these cake/scone/biscuit things, and then I emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it � yay! Then I rested and the house smelled of baking and that was nice and sastisfying. Then Neil came home from work saying, �Mmm, baking!� (another nice moment!) and we went OUT to the video place to rent more Friends. I got really tired just standing up in the video shop for ages and my bump felt really heavy and achy, so I went and sat in the car while Neil got the videos.
When we got home this little cat followed us into our house! I followed it round the house trying to catch it to put it out, but it didn�t want to be caught and it went EVERYWHERE, even under the beds!! We have a cat flap in our kitchen door from whoever lived here before us with cats, so when the cat was in the kitchen I turned the flap to open and it went out. But then we had to water the plants in the back garden (d�oh!) so the cat came right back in again when we opened the door. I finally picked it up and put it out the front. Then Neil went out to get pizza (yay!) and I sat down at the computer to check emails and that. After about 10 minutes there was this little �flap� sound, and in strolled the little cat from the kitchen!! I had noooo idea the cat would dare to come in through the cat flap, and I had forgotten to close it again! So yeah I put it out again, but how sweet that was!! It really cheered me up :) And yes I did wash my hands thoroughly each time I handled the cat. I am sure I�m immune to toxoplasmosis anyway though. I changed a very stinky cat litter used by 2 cats for years and years in my teens and early 20s, so I�m pretty sure I�ve had it by now!
And then we watched Friends and laughed a lot, and had pizza and salad which did that thing again where I don�t feel that full from a portion that used to make me ache with being so stuffed. So it was a nice evening :)
Today Neil had to go back to work to finish his assignments and it has taken him longer than he thought so he�s still there now. Actually he�s on his way home because he doesn�t want to miss the football (*sigh*) but that means he�ll go in early tomorrow to finish it. So I haven�t seen him today.
BUT!!! I did go to church this morning!!!! I was sooo nervous because of how rough I felt last week, and because I would be on my own this week and would have to drive myself home whether I felt ill or not. So I prayed about it before I went, and I had a good breakfast, and made myself drink a big glass of water before leaving. I stopped at a garage on the way and bought a bottle of water, which I made sure I drank throughout the service. And I didn�t stand up. Well, I did briefly, but I sat down again BEFORE I felt woozy, and when we started the worship time and the guy said, �Let�s all stand up� I stayed sitting, which I always feel self-conscious doing but this time it wasn�t too bad! I chose a seat on an aisle so I could get more air and get out easily if I needed to. It helped a lot that it wasn�t as warm as last Sunday though. It was warm, but not as humid.
Anyway it went GREAT!!!! I drove myself there. I felt a little woozy at the start of the singing so I just stayed sitting and didn�t sing if I felt breathless. But it�s weird/great, I just felt gradually better and better as the service went along. I kept on drinking water if I got woozy or hot, and that seemed to help a lot. The sermon was soooo great, we had a guest speaker from the States who we have had lots of times before, and he�s always really good. I noticed for the first time how exquisitely uncomfortable the seats are � I never really noticed that before. I seem to feel extremely heavy, especially in my pelvis, and hard or plastic seating is just unbearable after a few minutes of sitting still on it. So I squirmed and shifted around a lot. I would have been much happier sprawled on the floor but oh well. Or with another chair to put my feet up on, because that�s another thing that bothered me for the first time � my feet felt achy and swollen, and like they REALLY wanted to be up and not below the rest of my body filling up with all its fluids! They didn�t seem too swollen afterwards though. I just didn�t like sitting still all that time, it was too uncomfy and sweaty.
But yay!! And then we stood up and sang again, and I felt GREAT so I stood up too, and when I still felt great, I sang as well, and I was able to sing as loud as I liked without feeling woozy at all! Afterwards I went forward for prayer again, partly for physical things like the sore pee and the tired/giddy thing, and partly because I have forgotten how to �enjoy� God and I want to be passionate for him again. I have felt so distant from God lately, and I know how wonderful it is to feel close to him and full of joy from that closeness, and life feels soooo different like that. I miss it. So I was glad to get prayer for that. Last week when I was prayed for, that was about these woozy symptoms not restricting me at church anymore, and yay, God answered that prayer!! I was sooo pleased, and I had such a great time at church today. I chatted to people afterwards and I drove myself home and I still wasn�t tired out or anything when I got home! :)
The best fun though was that this week at church people seem to be noticing my bump!!!!! Last week they would be talking to me and asking what I had planned for the future � it was so obvious they couldn�t tell I was pregnant. Well today I wore Neil�s shorts (yay!) which fit me nicely and don�t have a big jersey panel so I can wear my non-pregnant summer tops with them, and I guess that reveals my shape better than a big tenty top.
I wish I could bottle and pass on the joy I felt when I said hi to a girl I haven�t seen for a while, and she said hi, how are you, and I said fine. And she was looking at my belly sort of funny. Then she said, a bit hesitantly, �Are you expecting?� I felt like it should be the kind of moment that you get on game shows where they say the right thing and all that papery stuff showers down from the ceiling and lights flash and everybody cheers and it�s this big happy moment!!!! But I just said, �YES!!� all excited that she had noticed, and stuck my bump out in a very exaggerated manner!! She congratulated me. It was so so so cool. Seriously, I wish I could bottle how I felt. Then seconds after that I saw another lady who just took one look at my bump and said, �Congratulations!� and asked me when I was due. And then after the service a lady I haven�t seen since I was praying with her about my difficulty getting pregnant, she was staring at my bump in that aforementioned funny way, and then she approached me and said, �Are you�.?� and put her hand on her own tummy to finish the question. So I said YES again!!! It is so much fun to tell people, but even MORE fun when they see it for themselves!!! I love this. People can see, people can see, people can seeeee!!!! Yay!!
And then after the service I went to talk to Katie, my very pregnant friend who is now 38 weeks. She looks wonderful. I am sort of envious! But I know it will be me in, well, the same amount of time that I�ve been pregnant already, and I wouldn�t wish myself there right now. I want to relish every moment of the bit in between now and then. People were coming over to say things that she probably finds annoying by now (!!), like �When are you due again?�, �Aren�t you due already?�, �Not doing too much, are you?� and the infamous, �How are you feeling?� She was a pro though, she just smiled sweetly and kept saying, �2 weeks� yes, just 2 more weeks�. Nope, not yet, 2 more weeks!� etc. And it was so nice because people noticed me as another pregnant person in the group, and I got asked how I was feeling a lot (something I am not remotely bored with being asked yet!) and when I said the baby was kicking a lot, 2 people immediately asked to put their hand on my bump as if Bean was kicking right that SECOND and they didn�t want to miss it! Some people hate others touching their bumps, but I don�t mind it really. Maybe I will after a few months of people doing so without asking, but I like it for now. These people asked though. Of course Bean wasn�t kicking ;) But he/she kicked like crazy all through the sermon, and some of the singing too. I am pretty sure Bean could hear the music/singing, and I like that. It�s amplified and loud and yeah. I like the idea that Bean can listen to people praising God already. It was so hard not to spread out and feel my bump and completely ignore the sermon when Bean was kicking during the service! I usually give all my attention to Bean when he/she kicks, so it was hard to stay sitting like I was and just lay my hand on my tummy to feel the kicks without breaking into a massive grin and going all gooey and nudging the person next to me to tell them my baby was kicking! I felt like the whole room should know that this special thing was happening in my tummy, because my baby was awake and kicking me. I wanted to tell everyone near me. I love my baby Bean.
Okay this is getting long! What else do I need to say about today? I had another nosebleed. Those are getting so pesky. But they are very mild and clear up pretty quickly, so I can�t complain. Well, except I just did! :) But yeah.
I seem to be 2lbs heavier today than yesterday!!!! Hmmm! I am really really packing on the lbs at the moment, just this week alone I seem to have gained half of all the weight-gain in this pregnancy so far! I�m not sure where it�s going, because I still can�t see any part of me looking rounder or �softer� than normal, except my bump. Which feels so heavy these days. Yesterday I stepped up onto the bed to examine something on the ceiling, and woah I got such a shock because my legs shook and almost didn�t manage to push my weight up with the effort!!! Okay so that�s partly unfit legs. But also I DO weigh a lot more and it all seems to be in the pelvic area. So I am really feeling it on my legs when I climb the stairs and stuff. I just FEEL so heavy. My belly aches a lot when I�ve been standing for a while. I can�t explain it. I just feel like I weigh a ton all in one little area, and it�s worse in the evening and makes my back feel pulled and achy. But it�s perfectly manageable at the moment. Just uncomfy at times.
Today I have a weird craving. I have had so few cravings this pregnancy so it�s quite nice to report one! When I woke up I wanted cucumber slices with homemade French vinaigrette dressing on them. I wanted them for breakfast! But I made toast and marmite and ate that, and then I still wanted the cucumber and dressing (both equally important parts of this craving!) so I made some! Yum! And when I got home from church I just wanted cucumbers and dressing again, but tomatoes too. So that�s what I had. And then I ate lunch. And I kept waking during my nap, just enough to realise I was tasting cucumbers and dressing, and longing for more of it! That�s what I want now, so I think I am going to have a biiiig salad for dinner. I am gonna have cucumber and tomatoes and lettuce and grated carrot, all with loads of that dressing on. Mmmm. And probably also something that will actually fill me up, hehe! But I don�t care what that is right now. I just want that dressing�. gagghghghhhh (Homer-style drooling).
So yay, I am pretty sure my mood was all down to hormones (and boredom!) yesterday, especially since I am all elated and craving today! I have had a much better day, and tomorrow I reach yet another half-week mark!! And I just realised it�s only 18 days till my scan!!!!! And Neil is home now so I will stop and hope that Diaryland is ready to admit me! Tsk.
Thanks so much if you�ve prayed for me. God is so faithful and I know he is answering your prayers. And mine. :)
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