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2004-06-15 - 2.40pm��previous entry��next entry
19 weeks, 4 days - crampy and anxious
Still can�t get on to add an entry, so I�m typing this offline again. Can anyone see my diary? I mean, obviously if you�re reading this you can, but could you let me know please? If I try to view my diary, the background loads instantly but the text and links, etc doesn�t load. Well, unless I wait literally 5 minutes, and then all of a sudden it pops up. Soooo annoying, because nobody can read my diary if this is what it�s like on everyone�s screens. I emailed Diaryland about it but it�s not exactly likely that I�ll get a reply what with not being a gold member and the big server issues at the mo. Oh well. I just hope some of you can see my diary anyway, and I hope it fixes itself soon! (edited to add - I figured out it was the diaryrings (which aren't working) that were making my page slow to load, so I removed them for now)
Today I am really really really really anxious about Bean. Well, more about me than Bean, but yeah. I am so uncomfortable and it doesn�t ease off. I�m worried because the discomfort is in the form of crampy pressure over my whole womb which doesn�t ease up, and it just feels so heavy, it�s like there�s a ton of pressure down there. My lower back is a bit achy too, and the whole thing just smacks of stories I have read of incompetent cervix or premature labour. I phoned the maternity unit and said I was nearly 20 weeks and worried about crampy pressure, and they put a midwife on who said she couldn�t really say over the phone, but it could just be stretching discomfort, and I should go to my GP if I was worried. Which didn�t make me feel any better at all because she didn�t sound very interested.
Neil has got the car at work and I have to wait in this afternoon anyway, for the plumber to come and hopefully fix our shower, but what I really want to do is go to the doctor and beg for complete reassurance, and if I can�t get that, then a scan that will tell me what my cervix is doing. I just seem to be easily anxious this week about my body failing to maintain the pregnancy. Bean is fine but I worry about my cervix and my womb doing something wrong.
Yesterday Bean was kind of quiet all morning and then I played some womb music and Bean did not make any movements, so I got anxious and used the Doppler which I haven�t done for a while. It�s getting hard to listen to Bean�s heart for very long now because he/she never stays still. I just get it and then there�s a load of thumps and swishes and it�s gone again! But anyway I did pinpoint it for a little while, but during that time Bean�s heartrate did a scary slowwww thing. All of a sudden it started to slow right down, I mean like to an adult�s pulse rate, just for a moment, and then it picked back up again. I listened for 5 more minutes because I was all scared by that, but it was steady and in the 150s so I stopped after a while. But still, it was scary. I�m sure there shouldn�t be any decelerations like that. I worried about it the rest of the day, and then when I told Neil he said maybe Bean happened to grab the umbilical cord at that moment and grip it tight enough to slow the pulse rate down. I didn�t think of that, and it�s completely possible, so I feel better about it now. Especially since I listened again last night and everything sounded fine, and Bean�s heartrate was a fairly steady 146. Getting slower still, which is all good and normal.
So hmmm, I don�t know what to do about the crampiness. It could be nothing. Or it really could be something, so surely I should err on the side of caution and see my doctor? But I can�t this afternoon. But is it important enough to cancel the plumber and get Neil to bring the car home so I can get to the doctor�s surgery? I don�t know what to do. All the people who have lost a baby at this kind of stage say it�s not worth hesitating even if you�re not sure. But then I also feel silly because I�m probably over-reacting, since I�m good at that. But I don�t know what to do. I�m anxious.
But other than that I�m doing much better lately. Yesterday I went to the supermarket and did the food shopping!! Yay! I felt fine! No dizziness or wooziness yesterday at all. I woke up when Neil got up for work at 6am, and then I couldn�t get back to sleep � all I could think about was tomatoes and cucumber with homemade dressing! So at 6.40am I was down in the kitchen eating a big plateful of the stuff! Then I went back to bed but still couldn�t sleep so I got up again. By late morning I was tired out so that�s when I took my long nap, and I got up around noon. It was reeeeally hot yesterday but I coped with the heat fine! Yay! The supermarket was super cold though. Brrr.
Today Bean kicked me in the cervix I think. I�m not sure, it might have been the bladder because it was very nearby, but it felt slightly different than the bladder punches I�m used to feeling, and also it was painful, quite a sharp pain, and much more of a shock-feeling! It was a very hard kick though! It made me gasp out without even meaning to. Urgh I�m so nervous about my cervix. I just wish I knew from a scan or whatever, what my cervix length is. I know if it�s between 3.5 and 4cm then everything is fine and I have noooo need to worry. But if it�s shorter than 3cm I would worry. Shorter than 2.5 and the DOCTORS would worry, and I�d be on bedrest. I just wish I knew. That would set my mind at rest till my proper scan at 22 weeks.
Okay Neil just phoned me from work and he thinks we shouldn�t take any chances so he�s coming home (!!) and we�re going to the doctor this afternoon. I don�t know how quickly I can get an appointment though. I feel pretty sure they won�t refer me for a scan because it�s NHS money, etc, and because they will probably reassure me that it�s just normal pregnancy achiness. I�m just not convinced, that�s all, so if I�m sent home with that kind of advice then I�ll still worry. I just want to get an answer on the specific thing that is worrying me, and then I can rest easy, and somehow I don�t feel confident that my GP is gonna give me that. But I also feel like I�m being really silly and making a mountain out of a molehill. But Neil says it�s sensible to get things checked out, especially if it�s making me this worried. Bleh.
I guess that�s all I have to say, since I will be updating later or tomorrow about whatever comes of my appointment. Oh except I read on FF that a baby�s foot is 1 inch long at 18 weeks!! How tiny! But actually how BIG, when it comes to my insides being pummelled! That makes a lot of sense, given how my belly rocks when I get a proper kick, and also the size of the lump that bulges out when it�s a foot and not a hand or elbow! Last night I�m sure I got a �jump� with both feet. I could feel two separate things kick me at once in almost the same spot, and the momentary pressure was so hard that it took my breath away. Bean is getting strong in there! I just hope everything is okay and that my body is doing what it�s meant to be doing. I know Bean is fine, I just don�t want my body to let him/her down. I am really scared to lose Bean. Even if I�m just being crazy and everything is totally fine, I�m still really scared about it right now, and I hope someone can give me complete reassurance so I can chill out until the big scan. I don�t like being scared to lose my baby. It feels horrid and I can�t concentrate on anything.
Will update later. Ooh and thanks so much for the guestbook entries - to Elizabeth for getting in touch (congratulations!) and to Megan for the reassuring advice!
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