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2004-06-12 - 3.29pm��previous entry��next entry
19 weeks, 1 day - not-so-great hormones
I think I am having some major hormones at the moment. I am really weepy and down and irritable, so I guess that's hormones.
Also when will I start to get that 2nd trimester energy? I'm almost halfway through the second trimester and I am more wiped out now than ever. Am I gonna get the energy bloom or will I hit the 3rd trimester exhaustion before the 1st trimester knackeredness wears off? It's just getting me down a bit lately, because I just can't get anything done for being so tired. It's not just feeling tired either, if I don't stop what I'm doing and rest then I get nauseous and dizzy and weak, and it lasts for hours, and sometimes it happens even if I was resting in the first place. How am I supposed to have a life or get any exercise or go out and avoid going stir crazy in the house? It's really getting me down at the moment.
Yesterday was a bad day. It started okay but everything was making me super abnormally irritable, and I was sooooo bored, and it was too hot, and I felt queasy all day long. My IBS kicked my butt, for some reason my hayfever was bad without once breathing any outdoor air, 4 sales people called on the phone, my pee started being really sore again, the shower broke and we can't fix it, and I had another nosebleed. In the evening I had no appetite at all, I just felt depressed and horrible and unhappy. We had planned to watch Friends for a while but I felt too down to even watch something that cheerful and funny. I sat upstairs with my childhood teddy and missed my parents and my childhood and cried for hours.
I don't know what it is, but it has to be hormone-fuelled! When I listen to my daddy's music I feel homesick for my parents, and I miss how I used to feel before I was pregnant, physically. I don't wish I wasn't pregnant at all, I love carrying my baby. But I keep thinking that last summer when I wasn't pregnant I could handle the heat and go out and enjoy myself and have the energy to do the housework instead of watching the house turn into a pit that is depressing to be in, and I'm stuck in it, it seems. If I wasn't pregnant I would be going out and stuff and managing all that. I wouldn't be feeling sick or faint or stuff. But then I feel horribly guilty for feeling that way because it sounds like I don't want to be pregnant. Which is not true at all, I just don't want to feel like this anymore, seperate from having a baby.
The last straw yesterday was this guy at eBay sent me a horrible email saying he's taking "action" against me through eBay because I left him negative feedback and lied in what I said. I won a nappy pail from him. It turned up filthy from what must be years of storage. It's soooo gross. I sent an email through eBay so as to be sure of it getting to him, complaining about it. No reply after one month so I left negative feedback which said quite simply that the item was filthy and I received no reply to my email. He sent me a nasty email saying he never received an email from me so I am lying and he plans to take action against me therefore, because I have falsely damaged his reputation at eBay. This was the absolute last thing I needed yesterday. Why are people so mean and vindictive over such stupid small things that they don't bother to check out before being nasty?
Today Neil was at work before I even woke up, studying for his final assignments due in on Monday. I got up late after disturbing vivid dreams and had another nosebleed, sat around feeling nauseous and bored, watched some tennis on TV and ate breakfast. I feel so lonely today, I mean like crazy lonely, like sit and sob for ages lonely. I kept thinking, "Why doesn't Neil phone me? He knows I'm finding things hard at the moment" and then he did phone me around 3pm to say he thought he would need to stay working till like 9pm or something. He is hoping to finish everything today so he can relax tomorrow and we can spend some time together and he can watch the football in the evening.
His phone call just made me cry and cry, not on the phone, afterwards. I want some company and I'm desperate for something to do. This afternoon I was so bored and tearful that I started putting some laundry away that has been piling up for ages, only I just got it sorted into piles all over the living room when I felt too tired to do anymore, so then the living room was even worse than before and I couldn't fix it without feeling crap and I was STILL bored out of my skull. I rested half an hour then started clearing the piles of laundry and putting them away upstairs, but my nausea just got worse and worse so I have had to stop again.
I feel like my body isn't going to let me do anything at all that's useful or interesting or stimulating, and I am so upset about it. I feel like I have been bored so many days and weeks running that it's engrained and nothing seems interesting anymore. I just want to sit and cry all the time instead, like I'm doing now, and if I do that then I just ache for my parents and fun summers and childhood when I wasn't on my own and I didn't have any responsibility round the corner.
But yeah, it's probably hormones. I just don't like it very much and I want it to stop.
I had a dream the other night that my MIL spoke to me on the phone and decided I was showing emotional signs of impending labour (!!) - I was 38 weeks pregnant in the dream. So she arranged for me to be admitted into hospital based on this, and the whole family turned up to march me down there. When we arrived the midwife didn't even assess or examine me, she just sat with my parents and in-laws and asked them how long I had been "like this" and what my symptoms were. I was so steaming mad!! I felt so ignored. Plus I wanted to be at home to give birth. Plus I KNEW I was not going into labour.
But I got admitted to an old fashioned labour ward with 20 beds full of labouring women at various stages, all in the same room. I wanted to go to sleep and there was this lady in the bed next to me who was making nasty comments that made all the other women laugh at me, like some mean slumber party in my teens or something. It was horrible. I kept saying, "I just want to go home!" but they wouldn't let me.
Anyway I don't remember the next bit but I had the baby eventually and it was a boy again - all my dreams are about boys these days. I was having trouble breast-feeding him and there were relatives EVERYWHERE who kept taking the baby from me for a cuddle or to "put him down" for a nap when I wanted to be left alone to bond and hold him all the time. I felt completely overpowered and just kept crying. It was horrible.
Last night one of my dreams was about having the cutest little puppy dog and I was the most horrible owner ever. I know it's a dream but writing about it is making me cry. He was so loyal and happy to see me all the time, but I kept being pulled in different directions by people and having to leave him tied up places. And then I'd lose track of time and he'd be there for hours. And I could never find anything to feed him so he went hungry. But he always loved me just the same and I just wanted to die with how awful I felt, but it was like I was unable to do any better. Urgh I'm crying so much I can hardly see. What is the matter with me?!
I don't want to let my baby down but I'm scared that I will, and not because I try to be bad, but because I just can't seem to help it. I know my baby will love me no matter what when it's little.
Oh I don't even know what I'm getting at or what exactly is bothering me so much. I just can't stop crying today and everything feels overwhelming, even though it's mostly stuff I can't even put my finger on. I'm writing it here because it's most likely pregnancy/hormone related.
Last night I did cheer up around bed time because Bean started kicking me harder than ever before. Some of the kicks to my tummy almost hurt they were so hard. The movements were constant, as though Bean was head down with his/her tummy up against my tummy, and all the arms and legs going at once for like 15 minutes! Neil got to feel some really big kicks and he was amazed, since he's only ever felt blips and bumps before. He had no idea they had become that strong. Anyway, spending some time absolutely distracted by my baby in that way was really good for me. I guess it reminded me why I'm doing all of this, and it was just so nice to have that contact with Bean for all that time. I felt full of love for him/her and really enjoyed the kicks, even the really hard ones, even ones on my bladder!
I just hope my feelings level out soon.
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