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2004-03-10 - 7.26pm��previous entry��next entry
Not such good news....
Well girls, I am bleeding. I can hardly believe I'm writing this, this afternoon/evening has been so surreal. Things do not look hopeful. But one thing is amazingly good - remember I said Neil was coming home from work because he felt lightheaded or something? Well he got home just before I started bleeding, and he's okay, just a bit tired. God had his hand on that one, I'm sure - thank you Lord. I needed Neil here with me, and not in an office in the middle of London with a long commute to get home again.
We were just chatting in the kitchen at 1.15pm when I felt something leaking a bit. I didn't think anything of it, because I often get that feeling with more watery CM. But I went straight up to the loo all the same. I was wearing a panty liner, and when I pulled my pants down, I got the shock of my life when I saw lots of dark red and brown blood. It scared the living doodahs out of me and I went nauseous instantly and shook violently. I yelled down to Neil that I was bleeding, and then I put a new panty liner on and came downstairs to lie on the sofa. I heard you should lie down if you have bleeding in pregnancy.
I shook and felt sick for a long time, maybe half an hour, and needed Neil next to me all the time. I couldn't think what to do, now that I was bleeding - what do you do next? What happens? It was a lot to take in all at once.
Well eventually I thought we should ring NHS direct, so Neil did, and after waiting a while he got through, told the nurse all my details and passed the phone to me. The nurse asked me how heavy the bleeding was, whether I had passed any clots, if I had cramps or pain, etc. I am classed as six weeks pregnant apparantly, already. I had no pain whatsoever, but in the hour or so after bleeding started, I have had some mild cramping both front and back. It really doesn't look good.
Well the nurse asked me if it was getting worse, and I said I didn't know because I had been lying down since I found the bleeding, so she made me get up and check my pants, which I did, and there was just a bit of dark red spotting. I felt like it was just a matter of being horizontal though. Anyway, she said I should stay resting and phone my doctor as soon as the surgery re-opened at 3.15. She said it was okay to wait till then.
At 3pm I had to pee, so I went up to the loo and there was no further spotting on my pad. But after I peed, the water had blood in it and when I wiped there was bright red blood :(
Urgh, why am I writing all this down? Because I need to I think. All part of my journey and all that.
Neil went out to buy me some heavy duty sanitary pads (yuck, I haven't used them since I was 12, but you can't use tampons when you're bleeding in pregnancy, obviously). I phoned the surgery and asked to speak to my doctor, only to be told by the rather unfriendly receptionist that there were no doctors there at present and I'd have to try later. I told her it was "somewhat urgent" since I thought I was having a miscarriage, and she suddenly got all helpful and went to find the nurse-practitioner.
The N/P phoned me back and she was sooooo wonderful, she has been great to me all afternoon. She asked all my symptoms and stuff, and told me to rest up. She was so sympathetic and was very honest with me, saying it was very likely I am having a miscarriage, but she wanted to make some calls on my behalf to ask a few questions.
While I waited for her call (she said she'd be a little while), I phoned Gordon and Katie, and when Gordon answered I asked him to please pray for me because I was bleeding quite a lot. I thought of them because Gordon had made such a point of telling me to let them know if there was ever anything I wanted prayer over, during my pregnancy. Also I guess because they have been through miscarriage recently too. Gordon was so lovely. He too was honest and said it did not sound good, and I appreciated that soooo much. He said they would start praying for me right away, and asked if he could pray for me on the phone, there and then. I said yes please. He prayed, and I started to cry and couldn't stop. I don't know what my feelings were exactly, or what thoughts were in my head, but the crying just came.
I was feeling so.... weirdly normal. Like, "Okay so I am having a miscarriage. Oh well, c'est la vie!" That kind of thing, really weird. At the same time as I was feeling all normal, I was also worrying about why I wasn't more upset or crying. So I was relieved when I started to cry when Gordon prayed for me.
Everything felt so surreal, I can't even begin to describe it. I didn't consider for one second that I might still be pregnant. As soon as I saw the blood I knew I had miscarried. I don't know why. I still feel that way, even though there is apparantly the slimmest of chances. But that's just it, I wasn't desperately and tearfully grasping at straws and hoping above all hope that somehow my Bean might make it. There just seemed no point in that. I seemed to accept it in an instant, it was just a shock, that's all.
I don't know why I feel so level-headed. I felt a certain level of relief, which I feel ashamed about, but I have to be honest and admit it's there. That has GOT to be wrong, big time wrong, but I can't deny the feeling is there. It's just that I was just getting to that (normal) stage where pregnancy was beginning to unnerve me a little. The idea of actually becoming a parent and having all that responsibility. The idea of morning sickness any time now. Just the whole "change" thing that made me feel like I wanted to hide and just be like I was before I got pregnant. I know those feelings are normal but I still can't help but feel ashamed of them, especially when I might be actually losing my baby.
But the other stuff I was feeling was mainly confidence that God is good and faithful, and that no matter what happens, I can trust him and I know he will bring things out of every situation that will bless me and bring me joy. I already know this from experience. So there's that. I know if I have a miscarriage I will be able to bless other people in the same kind of way that I am blessing people who are struggling to conceive. I want to bless people so that is an optimistic side of what's happening.
I don't know. I just didn't react like I expected.
Well anyway, the N/P phoned back and she has made an appointment for me at the hospital tomorrow morning, for a scan. She said it will tell me what's going on, even this early in pregnancy. I am not expecting good news at all, but I would like to see some visible confirmation that I was pregnant and to know for sure whether I have definitely miscarried or not. I would hate to have an inconclusive result, and to be honest, if by chance we DID see a tiny embryo with a beating heart, I would be terribly nervous for the rest of the trimester that I might miscarry at any time. These things can happen, and a bleed like this is NOT a good sign in early pregnancy. Not at all. There has to be a reason for the blood, and it's not going to be a healthy baby-friendly reason.
I asked the nurse about getting an Anti-D injection, since my blood type is Rhesus Negative, and she left to make another call to a lab, bless her, she was so helpful and kind! She called back to say the lab said it's likely that I will need Anti-D, and I should be sure to mention it when I have my scan. They have stocks of it on the ward there, so they can give me the shot if miscarriage is confirmed.
The nurse offered me an afternoon appt with a doctor at the surgery, but said all they could do from there was talk to me and try to reassure me, and possibly examine me but probably not, since they wouldn't want to disturb anything. I didn't see much point in a talk with a doctor that would mean getting up, getting dressed to go out, and sitting upright for an hour or so. She said she didn't blame me, and told me to rest up. She said I may get cramping in my tummy or in my back. I may pass a clot. The bleeding may ease up, or stop, or continue. I should keep an eye on it so I can clearly describe what's been happening when I go for my scan. If I get dizzy when I stand up or anything, I should call the surgery or the on-call doctor, but she said that is unlikely to happen. I worried about heavy bleeding, but she said I would not bleed torrentially during a miscarriage this early in pregnancy, although I might find it heavier than a normal period.
She was so nice. Neil phoned his work and told them I am having a miscarriage. His voice broke and he had trouble getting the words out. They said he can have time off as necessary, but he needs to phone in each morning to update them so they can keep signing him off with pay. I don't think that is a long-term thing at all, but he should be able to take the rest of this week off, and that's good.
I phoned Mummy and told her. I cried, but I told her I was fine through tears, because I really am fine. I'm doing okay. Mummy said what was important to her was ME and that I had not let anyone down if I am having a miscarriage and not able to hold onto this baby.
Well I think that's it. I just wanted to update you all. I am fine. I think I need to cry and grieve a little more than I have felt able to, but that will come, I'm sure. I am not sure about trying for a baby again yet. I feel kind of numb to the whole idea of getting pregnant and being a mother right now.
Of course there IS that chance that I may not have miscarried. But honestly, there isn't much hope I'm afraid. The scan will tell us tomorrow, it's at 10.40am, and I will update afterwards. I don't know if I have had any more bleeding since I went for a pee, because I have stayed reclining or lying down, and haven't been back to the loo. I don't feel awfully "stable" down there, so I don't feel that hopeful about it.
Will update tomorrow.
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