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2007-04-21 - 11.19am��previous entry��next entry
Post-chemical pregnancy cycle....
I wrote this entry last night but Diaryland was being all broken and not letting me update, so THANKFULLY I had saved it to Word (can you imagine?! It took me FOUR HOURS (interrupted, of course) to write it, and when I clicked "done", it gave me a blank screen saying, "Unable to connect to database"!!!), and I'm pasting in here this morning. Here it is!...
I'm back because I'm mid-cycle (ish) already!! How did that happen so fast?! And I had wanted to write about this cycle as it panned out, so here I am.
Thanks so much for the messages after my last entry! You are all so supportive, and I really appreciate that! :)
I did want to just respond quickly (oh heck, you know me - it's never going to be "quick" now, is it?! Hehe!) to Jemma's comment, though, as something she said was food for thought for Neil and I, and I want to write about my thoughts on it here a bit too. Jemma said:
"You have an interesting dichotomy in your entries at the moment. On the one hand talking of trusting in god to decide when you have your next child and on the other charting religiously and planning for an April 08 baby. You don't seem to be able to decide whether to go one way or the other. You seem to want to trust totally in god but can't bear to give up the control over the situation yourself."
Well, that did sort of stop me in my tracks and make me think about it, especially that last sentence. It challenged me over my faith in God regarding the issue of having babies, and the timing of things. It IS totally true that I'm a control freak and have a HARD time giving up the control of things to God (and other people). It's just part of my nature, and that goes rather against the thing I WANT to do, which is trusting in God and casting all my anxieties onto him, etc. - giving him the control and being worry-free because of it. That is just the BEST gift for me, from God, but it's still something I have struggled with constantly since becoming a Christian - it's crazy that I can't bring myself to accept the very gift that would make life sooooooo much easier for me, given the type of person I am!!
But it did make me re-evaluate things and wonder if I SHOULD be trusting God more and letting go of the control more, over when we have our children, and how many we have, etc. So I sat down with Neil one evening and we talked about it. He is waaaay more sensible and level-headed than me, and also he has the slightly more sane (?!) "wooooah there!" attitude about having too many kids or age-gaps that are too small, which I felt sure would balance out any control-freakishness on my part in our discussion, to leave us with a sensible and realistic conclusion! ;)
Although, he DID ask me if I was bringing up the subject of "just winging it and letting God decide" (!) IN ORDER TO try and wheedle more babies out of him, haha! But I wasn't. ;)
We pretty much agreed that we are not trusting God enough, either of us. I guess that is a reflection of our individual spiritual lives at the moment, which is not a good thing. The main thing that we noted was that we seem scared about the prospect of having a baby before we feel ready, which IS a normal way to feel for anybody, but which doesn't go hand-in-hand with trusting God. The fear factor was a pretty good indicator that we were not trusting God over it. Even if it seemed daunting, if we were trusting God, we'd KNOW he would provide for us and make us able to deal with whatever he brought us to, so that should leave no room for anxiety about it. So we kind of acknowledged that one, but I was a bit disappointed that we didn't make an effort to FIX it right there and then. It sort of went on the back burner, but at least we were made aware of it and both agreed about it. The conversation went onto trusting God about jobs and house-moves, etc, which is a pretty big subject in our lives at the moment, with Neil applying for several jobs a week at the moment, all over the place. That seems MUCH more scary to me than having babies! So it was good to talk about the trusting God thing in relation to jobs and stuff, but it meant we sort of left the babies bit behind.
We did finish the bit about babies, enough to decide what we felt, agree on it, and feel happy about it, that sort of thing. Annie left a comment for me at my other diary just a day or so later, that sums up well our basic conclusion:
"You seem to be sort of wavering between "giving it to God completely" and planning out conception - just my 2c - can't you do both, simultaneously? I mean, if a person doesn't use chemo/radiotherapy to treat a cancer, and it gets worse, do you think that means God didn't want it to get better? Or did it mean that God gave them that option and hoped they'd work towards what God wanted (which, I think most of the time would be to get better)? You've also been given the good judgment to know whether/when you want another kid, and the ability to plan (...well... to a point!) for that to happen, yet you can still go psychologically "well, what happens, happens, and it's out of my hands" while doing that."
It was the "good judgement" bit that rang true for us when we discussed it. Neil felt that for us, doing both (trusting God, AND having some control over the timing) was the way to go, because we know we don't feel ready to have another baby before a certain point. That's the place where we take the control, I suppose. After that point, we both want to have another baby, so we start trying in earnest! The charting and planning and obsessiveness (haha!) is because I soooo want to have babies, but I know we need to wait till a certain point before we feel ready in every way. When the time finally comes, I want to get pregnant NOW, hehe! So I chart to try and get as well-prepared as possible, and to DO something with my want-to-have-a-baby-ness in the meantime. And to maximise our chances when we do start trying, because of knowing exactly what my cycles are doing and what to expect from them.
I also know when I WANT a baby, regardless of what God's plan is! I want a baby in April 2008! I have told God that's what I really want, and I am trusting that he will bless me with that when the time comes - IF it's his desire for us. I mean, I totally WANTED an April 2004 baby, does anyone remember?! Man oh man, did I get angry with God about that one, hehe! I felt sure we'd have our first baby then, because of the prayer and careful planning that went into the build-up as I waited for the months to pass. But nope. God already knew Arthur was coming in November 2004. I didn't have a clue, obviously, so I just felt sad and angry and forsaken, etc, etc.
Anyway. God ALWAYS knows what's best! If he has no intention of letting us have an April 2008 baby, then all my happy dreams and careful planning and well-timed parsnips are not going to do a THING. That will bug the heck out of me, and I'll find it hard and likely get annoyed with God about it (*sigh*), but deep down I will know that if it's not happening, it's because God has a better plan and I will just have to wait and see what it is. I HATE waiting though! ;) It's always soooo much easier to see all this in hindsight, when you HAVE your baby in your arms. You forget the pain of waiting and think, "Oh yes, God is so faithful! I'll be SURE to trust him 100% if this happens again!" Mmm-hmmm!
Also, I believe that God has given us our own judgement over the issue, and the ability to decide if it's not time yet for us. Some women get their fertility back in shape quite a long time after having a baby, and are keen for another child before too long, and so it's easier to let nature take its course, so to speak, and conceive as soon as God enables them without worrying about it. I know that my fertility returns early-ish. My periods are always back by 6 months postpartum, and I'm always ovulating from before my first period. My cycles ARE out-of-whack enough to be infertile for a while, but I think if we were just not preventing pregnancy, 18 months might be our LARGEST age gap. I think God enables me to conceive "whenever I'm ready" as it were, because for us, 18-month gaps or less seem a bit too intense when we're talking about having several children in a row. Some families manage it, but I think we would cope with life better if we had enough space to feel ready first. I realise that somewhat contradicts what I was saying before about trusting God if he brings us to it, but I just feel like God has put us in the BLESSED position of being "ready to go", fertile-wise, and giving us the free-will to decide when we would like to start trying again. The issue of whether or not we conceive when we feel ready is a whole 'nother ballgame, and I know that if we were to conceive by "accident" with like a 16-month age gap one time, we would KNOW that it was 100% God's timing and that would give us the assurance and courage to face what lay ahead!
So those are our feelings on it. We feel, for us, that it is possible (and okay) to both trust God over the timing of having our children, AND plan it out roughly to what WE desire for our family. We pray about what we choose, and then let God handle the rest! So that explains my dichotomous thoughts here lately! I also know (well, mostly know OF) Christian families who trust God ENTIRELY over the timing, and just don't use any contraception or anything, and rejoice over every surprise conception, and have huge amounts of kids! They are mostly parents living out of the built-up city area, and who were one of like TEN children amongst their own siblings! Also I notice that families who do this pretty consistently have 2-year-ish gaps between their kids. I think if it was panning out that this was the kind of gap my own body would manage (regarding my cycles and breastfeeding) then I would probably be eager to embrace never trying to prevent pregnancy and looking forward to the surprise conceptions along the way! I don't think I could ever bear to NOT chart though, now! I find it so much fun, and it's like a sneaky peek into what's going on! I like to see what is happening even BEFORE a test would tell me I'm pregnant! I am just toooo obsessed with baby-making, haha!
I told you it would be long-winded, hehe! ;) But I wanted to write about it, because it's really relevant to this diary and it was something we had a serious talk about, which was a good thing!! Thanks for your honest comment, Jemma! :)
Well. All that said, we are SO decided that we will NOT try to conceive this cycle that I am actually praying for willpower, haha! I'm NOT praying, "Oh God, please don't let us get pregnant this cycle!" because if I did get pregnant, I would be OVER THE MOON, you know I would. But I am thinking - I sooo want that April baby, if I can... And I much prefer that to the idea of having a baby next January or February. March is a "hmmm, let's see if I have any willpower left..." month ;) My eyes are rather on the prize, so to speak, over the April baby now. I know I am setting myself up for a huge-o disappointment if the April baby is not meant to be, but hey ho. I can't seem to help myself. I want it so badly at the moment. It's just like April 2008 is a month surrounded by a heavenly glow, or something, to my mind! So that is making me eager to exercise some willpower for a couple more months so that I can reach my goal, since I want it so badly now. I KNOW that I'm useless at these things when it comes to ovulation time, and that's when the "oopsies" happen! So I am praying along the lines of, "God please let me have enough strength to avoid just going with my hormones and jumping Neil's bones at a point where I might get pregnant - though if you are planning to bless us with a baby this month then THANK YOU LORD! I am going to try to resist making babies this month, and if you want to override that in me because you plan to give us another baby sooner than we think, we will know that it's your perfect plan for us! But Lord, please give me the willpower that I need this cycle!" - that kind of thing!
So far, so good, but I know I'm not at the bone-jumping stage of my cycle yet. I am currently on Cycle Day 16 with fertile signs for a few days now, but I am in tune with my body enough to know that I'm not actually that fertile yet. I do have long patches of fertile signs though, since having Arthur. This patch could yet end up fading off and I could get delayed ovulation. I have found that I have to have EWCM in a certain way to know that I'm definitely going to ovulate. It's not that certain way yet, so we'll see. The bone-jumping thing goes with it, usually!
Exactly as I predicted for one of my "post chemical pregnancy" cycles, my pre-ovulatory temps are weirdly flat this cycle :) I like that! I don't know why. I think I just like the feeling that I KNOW my body that well that I can predict it. It also is another reassuring sign that I DID have a chemical pregnancy. My cycles only ever have flat pre-ovulatory temps after an early miscarriage. I also only ever (so far!) conceive my babies on cycles with flat pre-ovulatory temps.... I DO feel the pull, especially KNOWING that this cycle will be really fertile, but I am trying to remember my thoughts about it from earlier in the cycle! I am really curious to see whether I will still have a short luteal phase, without being pregnant after a chemical pregnancy. If it's short, I am planning to talk to Neil about whether he is okay with me taking the Vitamin B6 supplements again to lengthen it, like I did after Arthur, so that I'm ready for July.
Anyway. My temperature for the last FIVE mornings running has been 36.1! That's pretty flat for me! I can't help smiling every time the thermometer peeps and I look at it and see 36.1 again :) Other than that, it has been 36.2 - two flat patches either side of a 36.3/36.1 blip. Exactly the same two temps (36.1 and 36.2) as the pre-ovulatory temps in the two cycles when Arthur and Matthew were conceived. Howwww uncanny. I look at those stats and all my biological-ness just knows it is supposed to be making a baby about now! It's a weird feeling NOT to.
On Monday this week (it's Friday evening), I started drinking more water. I am rubbish at drinking enough fluids, and I am wondering if that has been accounting for some of my tiredness and some recent dizziness and weakness, etc, since my chemical pregnancy. So today is the fifth day running that I have had a minimum of 2 litres of water every day!! Go me! :) Yesterday I even had 3L, and a couple of days I had 2.5L. I have a piece of paper on the fridge door and every time I finish a LARGE glass (400mls) of water, I put a tick on it next to the day (I just write "Mon" and then the ticks for that day go along next to it). I know myself quite well and a tick chart is something I'm quite likely to respond well to! I like seeing my progress as I pass the chart, and enjoy patting myself on the back for the ticks that I've earned so far during the day! I do also have other things like milk and juice, but I have a new rule for myself that I must have no less than 2L of water in a day. If I am disorganised and end up an hour before bedtime with only 3 ticks, then I am going to have to chug down a couple of large glasses of water before bed to make it up! That will keep me peeing all night, so obviously it serves as a motivator to get me drinking my fluids in the DAY instead! I am going to be strict with myself and I WILL follow through on it, even if it disturbs my sleep a ton for peeing. I want to get the fluids in, that's the main thing right now. I AM peeing in the night like I'm pregnant at the moment, hehe! But I'm sure that's just my body not being used to all the fluids! I hope I'll adjust soon.
I'm also taking my prenatal vitamins (with iron) again, yay! About 5DPO last cycle, I suddenly freaked out realising I was probably pregnant and hadn't had a folic acid supplement since my pregnancy with Matthew!! So I frantically took my prenatal vitamins a few nights running. At the time I only had ones that were a month or so past their expiry date, still in the cupboard from my pregnancy with Matthew. After I got my period, I put prenatal vitamins on the list (I take Sanatogen Pronatal - I like the levels of certain vitamins and minerals in those better than Pregnacare - they DO differ from brand to brand), and since Monday I have been taking them regularly every evening, because even without a surprise conception, it is now three months before we try for our April 2008 baby, and 3 months before conception is the recommended time to start taking the supplements :) It's so much FUN every time I pop one of those, thinking how I'm actually doing it as part of a REAL TTC PLAN again! Yay! I remember being SO excited when it was finally time to start taking them 3 months before we started trying for Arthur. It felt like the first really legitimate thing I was allowed to DO towards having the baby I wanted, and it was so exciting being on the actual journey at last. This time I haven't been waiting 20+ years to have a baby (!) and I have only recently had a couple anyways (!!!), but it still feels just as exciting to me! :)
Oooh Baby Number 3, I love you already!!! Yeee!
April changed her description of my diary in her profile (I saw the little thingy on my buddy list to tell me she'd changed it), so I went to see her profile, and the line to describe this diary now reads, "Alice's pregnancy diary - TTC for #3 soon". And it's so simple, and something I obviously already KNOW, but reading that one line made me think, "Wow, really?!! Number THREE?!!" as though it was somebody else instead of me, and I couldn't beliiieeeve they were about to TTC #3 already when they were surely only just pregnant with #1 the last time I looked! It was a really odd feeling to think, yikes, that's ME - I'm the one trying for baby number three! It seemed an impressive number for a moment, even though it isn't, really. Llllloads of people have three children. But little old me, really?! I STILL have plenty of moments where I can't believe I'm actually a mother, as though I'm still so new at the job that I'm adjusting to the concept still. So it makes the feeling rather odd to combine it with getting ready to try to conceive our THIRD child! I'm so excited for meee!!!
And, do you know? I don't care one JOT whether it's a boy or a girl. Seriously. I thought I would. I even thought (way back when) that I would perhaps want to try "swaying" for a girl if we already had two boys. But honestly, I would LOVE to have another boy. It's almost a preference, if I'm honest. I don't think I actually have a preference though, but I am that eager to have another baby boy. I can't imagine ever having a girl, so perhaps that's part of it?! Although you know I'd be delighted to have one. So it's just a JOY all round!! I just can't wait to get started and meet my precious little. Since the chemical pregnancy, when I was thinking in terms of already having a third child on the way, I have noticed that a third "chamber" (as I like to call them!) has already been built in my heart - ALREADY! In just that space of time! I mean, before that, I already knew I would love my 3rd child just as much as I love Arthur and Matthew, and I already DID love that baby if I imagined myself having one. But my heart felt divided in two, for Arthur and Matthew. Since the chemical pregnancy, my heart feels different. It feels divided in three. Not smaller parts, just that it has divided and enlarged so that the parts are the same size as they always were, just one more of them! I already have a chamber of love ready for my third baby. It already belongs to that child and nobody else. Arthur does not get that love, and nor does Matthew. They have BUNCHES of their own. But it's already there, it feels as big and as strong as Arthur's portion or Matthew's. Maybe that's why I am suddenly raring to go, and excited to meet my next little one, because my heart has multiplied again ready for them, unexpectedly. Now it needs a little person to spend it on, and I feel very much like I am waiting for that person.
I can't really describe it any better, though I wish I could. I can totally SEE myself with three little - well, boys, let's be honest! I might have a girl, but all my mental images are of three little boys :) Before now, I sometimes watched my boys together and tried to squeeeeze my imagination into "seeing" another child with them, but I couldn't. Since about 4 or 5DPO last cycle, I found that I could, with ease. It felt normal and good to "see" that mental image. I am so sure I'll have another boy! ;) I even know his name, unless Neil disagrees, which so far, he sort of does. Poo! He has no alternatives in mind yet, so maybe he'll come round?! ;)
Okay, it's getting waaaaay too late so I must stop this waffle and go to bed! Will update again soon!
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