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2008-01-27 - 11.45pm��previous entry��next entry
15 days old already!
Nathan is two weeks old! I am writing this one-handed, as he is in my other arm, breastfeeding. It's slooooow for me to type one-handed, and once he's finished nursing I will stop to burp him (this can take AGES!) and it's already 11.45pm so basically this needs to be a quick entry.
I got my new camera! Hooray! I have taken fifty thousand photos with it but still haven't uploaded the software onto the computer, so I can't share the photos yet. I must get around to that! There seems to be no time to do anything at ALL these days!
Okay, he's off the breast and he burped IMMEDIATELY! So now he is back on Neil's chest while he watches something-or-other on TV :)
Still want to make this a quick-ish entry (though that never normally pans out!) because I don't want to be up crazy late. Going to bed takes HOURS these days, seriously. I start going to bed, and in the process Nathan wakes and nurses, and then needs burping, and a nappy change, and then needs to nurse on the other side, and be burped again. And then I try to put him down to finish getting ready for bed, but he cries and fusses (and often wakes a small boy). Somehow the whole process takes hours. If I start "going to bed" around midnight, for example, I am actually going to sleep somewhere around 3.30am. Not kidding. I'm so tired! But, indescribably thankful that Neil is out of work right now! Because after the boys are all up in the morning and Nathan has nursed again and been changed, etc, and I've eaten breakfast, I can go back to bed with Nathan upstairs for as long as he'll let me sleep, to catch up a bit.
Sleep is going pretty badly. Nathan still won't sleep much anywhere except on me. I got so anxious about it, but in the end the need for sleep won out and I just put him on my tummy and covered us with a sheet and 2 blankets and we slept fine. After a couple more days/nights, Nathan was getting more mobile in his sleep. He stretches and stuff, and ends up in a slightly different position from his stretching, but still asleep. One morning I woke to odd little skwawking sounds, and looked down and saw Nathan's legs and bottom still on my tummy, but his head hanging right over the side of me to the mattress!! It scared me silly! The next time we slept like that it happened again, and the next time. After that, I told Neil I couldn't risk sleeping with him on me anymore.
So the next night we got NO sleep till 4am, either of us, because we were back to square one with Nathan not sleeping for any length of time unless he was on one of us. Neil eventually sat up with Nathan on his front and slept that way till the boys woke at 6.30am. Nathan didn't fall off him - Neil's arms were propped well and he held onto Nathan while he slept.
Matthew and Arthur are being disturbed by Nathan more than ever now, at night. I don't know why! I thought they would get MORE used to it with each passing night, not less so. It's difficult. Matthew cries and cries and is so distressed when he wakes at night, for some reason. He won't go back to sleep without one of us in his sight, and gets hysterical about it (for a LONG time) otherwise. So in the end we decided I would move downstairs with Nathan, until we reach the stage where we can move the older boys into a shared bedroom (not till a couple of months after Nathan arrived). That way, Matthew is less disturbed as we're further away. Arthur is less disturbed too, as we're not in his room. Neil gets to sleep on the bed next to Arthur where they're both used to being, and another bonus for him is that he doesn't have to sleep on the floor any more! Poor guy!
I sleep on the sofa with the Moses basket right up next to me on its stand (though I just put the basket on the floor last night next to the sofa, not on the stand). Then I can have some low light on (in the kitchen, so it shines through but we are still in an unlit room as such), to see him and get him latched on the breast easily, etc. I can do his nappy changes in the kitchen which is the furthest away from the sleeping boys upstairs (Nathan cries LOUDLY when having a nappy change!), and also the nappies are kept in the kitchen above the tumble dryer, so it's straightforward.
The first night it worked really well. I put him down in his Moses basket every time he'd nursed fully, and then I'd been holding him for at least 10 minutes FAST asleep. Once I put him down after that, he stayed asleep for the next couple of hours till he woke for a feed again. I was so encouraged!
But that was it. The next night he slept the first block okay, and woke up around 4am to feed, and that was it. He didn't stay asleep when back in the Moses basket after that, so I didn't get any more sleep that night. Last night he wouldn't go down in the basket at all. Even if he was FAST asleep, he would stir and fuss straight away when I put him down. I know he CAN sleep well in there on his back, he just doesn't want to at the moment for some reason. Anyway, so by 3.30am last night I was too tired to do it any longer, and I knew he could keep it up ALL night if he needed to! So I lay down slightly propped up on the sofa, put cushions under my arms so that my arms were like raised "walls" either side of my body, and lay Nathan on my tummy as before. That way he couldn't roll off or get his face in bedlinen or a cushion or something. He slept till 5.30 and then woke fussing, so I picked him up to nurse him, but he settled right down again, so I put him back on my tummy and went back to sleep till the boys came down at 6.50am! Yay! He really does sleep great on me.
I just love him so much! Slightly random sentence, but it just suddenly occurred to me with force, just like that :) His little face and features are becoming so familiar to me already, like it's a face I've always known somehow. I cherish his differences from his brothers. I always used to think it would be so cute to have children that looked very similar, like peas in a pod. I still think that's cute! :) But I love my children as individuals so I particularly love the things that make them different from each other, that make each of them unique. Equally, I LOVE seeing the features that are identical to one of the others - it just makes my heart melt to see Nathan scrunch his little face up and think, "Wow, he looked JUST like Arthur/Matthew when he was a tiny baby!"
Nathan has had a slightly goopy right eye for a day or two. I have been squirting breastmilk in it :) That will fix it, I hope. Breastmilk is amazing stuff! Today the right eye is much better than yesterday, but the left eye is juuuust starting to be goopy too. I squirted milk in it this evening so hopefully it won't get really yucky before it gets better. My aim is rather poor though! ;) It takes me a few squirts before I get one in his eye! He doesn't mind at all, and doesn't even flinch when he gets milk shot in his eye! It's a very fine soft spray though, and it's gentle stuff. He does end up with that fine spray all up his forehead and over his nose and cheeks in the process though, haha!
Oh, oh, guess what?!!! We found the baby clothes!!!! Yaaaaay! We sat down and prayed, and then Neil went up in the loft and found them within the hour! Thank you Lord! They were in a box labelled "clothes age 4-5" *sigh*
Anyway now we have a huuuuge overabundance of teeny tiny clothes, and I'm so so happy to see all the clothes I bought when broody and childless a few years back, and which my other babies didn't even fit in because they were over 7.5lbs (which is what the tiny/early baby clothing goes up to!). Nathan fits it ALL soooo well! I'm actually worried that he won't have time to wear all the cute little outfits before he outgrows them! Thankfully he pees or pukes on an outfit a couple of times a day, so we're getting through the cute outfits after all ;) He still has more than 50% of them to wear for the first time yet though!
Thank you Jemma for being ready to send more baby clothes! I am pretty sure we won't need them now, as we have so many now we've found the box! Nathan has outgrown a couple of the very tiny things he wore at first, so he must be growing a little bit. He's getting longer in the body I think, as the popper vests aren't quite doing up on the early baby size now. He is wearing newborn popper vests, but still the early baby sleepsuits (except the Tesco ones we bought for him when he was born and used in the hospital. Either he has grown or they have shrunk a bit in the wash). I have something like 20 tiny (and oh-so-cute!) sleepsuits and maybe 15 vests, so even if we're behind with the laundry (not hard to do these days!), there is still plenty for him to wear. Yay! I'm so pleased!!
He's wearing all sorts of nappies, except for disposables. Neil keeps suggesting to just put him in a disposable when it comes time to change him, but I refuse to let him, haha! He still has that sore bottom, but it seems better today than it was. I use that as my excuse! But really I just want him to be in cloth nappies. I love them, they are so cute! And better for his bottom :) At the moment the other boys are wearing disposables quite a lot - I don't like it! It's SO much easier, but I don't like it. I pretty much refuse to let Nathan's new little bottom sit in paper and plastic though. He is wearing XS Fuzzis (still rather large on him!), size 0 Kissaluvs, lots of newborn homemade nappies (he fits the Honeyboys really well), and right now he's in his first size 0 Tots Bot! He is wearing mostly newborn Proraps and newborn Bummis Super Whisper Wraps. If we have lots of them waiting to be washed, he'll wear a size small BSWW but they are too big on him really.
I'm doing okay. My bleeding is fairly light now, and brown, not pink or red any more. I can't WAIT till that part is ALL GONE! I always hate the messy after-bit. Yuck! This time I haven't got round to using my cloth pads at all. There's so much we never got round to doing or preparing because we weren't ready for him to arrive so soon! Next time I will be better prepared, even though it's unlikely to happen again this early.
The boys (Arthur and Matthew) are being incredibly difficult to handle at the moment still - Arthur especially. He is having some difficulty adjusting. He is feeling threatened, I think, as far as his "place" in the family goes. His behaviour is so aggressive and manic most of the time. He is so sensitive and highly strung and goes out of his way to do the opposite of what we're asking, and screams like crazy over the tiniest thing, like "It's time to change your nappy/put your bib on/get ready for bed." He runs away screaming and makes a HUGE fuss about doing anything we ask him to. His behaviour is driving. me. crazy. I'm so glad Neil's at home doing a lot with the boys, because I do not know how I'd manage it otherwise. I mean, I think I would lose my temper and be too rough with him a lot. I just seem to have a very short fuse at the moment, and he is being absolutely horrible to be with a lot of the time, going out of his way to disobey, or destroy something, or hurt somebody, and then laughing or singing mocking songs while I'm trying to explain why he mustn't do such-and-such, or discipline him for something. I can't BEAR the laughing/mocking thing, it makes me want to explode! Urgh.
Anyway. I am trying to encourage him to talk about how he's feeling about things at bedtime, when we have some good alone time together and he's in a more wound-down state. The other night I prayed aloud with him (like I do every night), and prayed that God would help him feel happy and secure, and that he wouldn't find it so difficult to have Nathan in the family, etc. He listened quietly while I prayed and looked sad afterwards. I asked him if there were things worrying him, and he said yes, several things!
The things were a bit non-sensical though, so I wondered at first if he was making them up. But I listened and sympathised, and talked with him about the way he was feeling and hugged and kissed him a lot, etc. He said the first thing was, "What if Nathan and Matthew and Daddy laugh at me?" I told him that he was Nathan and Matthew's BIG brother and they would think he's wonderful, and not laugh at him. And Daddy would never laugh at him because he loves Arthur as much as Mummy does, and we love him too much to ever want to laugh at him.
Then the next thing was that "some people say I look like a high wire" (very sad face after this was revealed). After much talking, this turns out to be something he overheard - I don't even know who it was saying it. He overheard somebody saying to Neil or I that Arthur is a real live wire (or something like that) - you know how it would sound, sort of with the rolling eyes and the "oh my gosh you've got your hands full!" tone. He knew it meant that the person thought he was making life hard for Mummy and Daddy because he was a "high wire" as he calls it, and he didn't know what it meant but he felt that it was a bad thing to be, poor little love.
I explained to him that being a "live wire" meant that he had lots of energy, that's all, that he was lively and busy and energetic, and that it was NOT a bad thing at all. He just shook his head and looked sad :( I explained that an energetic little boy might mean that his mummy and daddy had to run around after him a bit more, and maybe that might make them a bit tired! But not a BAD thing! I told him that I love his energy and liveliness!
Then he said, "Mummy, there are two more things worrying me..." and told me that some people said he looked like a painting (??) and the other one was that some people called him "dirty mud". I didn't know what to make of those - maybe he was making them up by then?! But I went with it and hugged him and said how that must have made him feel sad, and sometimes people say mean things, and we KNOW they're not true because he isn't dirty OR muddy! So it's best to try to ignore people who say mean things. *sigh* Poor baby. Right after that I sang to him and patted his back and told him to think of all his favourite happy things. He then said, "Mummy, those were all the things from my bad dreams." Ah-HA! So he has been dreaming about people calling him mean things and his brothers and his daddy laughing at him, and worrying about what somebody said about him being hard work for his mummy and daddy. Poor Arthur. That definitely tells me he feels threatened and unsure about things right now. I need to help him with that, but I feel clueless as to how! Advice, anyone? I should have written all this at my other diary as it's not really pregnancy/baby related, but hey ho. Maybe I'll copy and paste this part in there, in case there are people reading there but not here, who might be able to give some advice?
Anyway. I am not sure how to parent my kids right now. It's all new, the issues and challenges, and I have no CLUE what I'm doing! And no arms free or energy or time for anything at all, quite apart from that.
My Coorie sling arrived in the post and it's beautiful! I love it! I have worn Nathan in it 3 times so far around the house, and it's fine, but I'm not sure if I'm wearing it quite right. I'm doing what the instructions say, and it does seem to be the right size too, but somehow Nathan seems kind of squished up wrong in there, in the cradle position, or there isn't enough of the fabric up behind his head to support it if he's in the tummy-to-tummy position (upright). And the sling seems to slide after a while so that he's no longer centred on my front (or rather, the sling isn't centred any more), and it slips off my shoulder a little. I wore him for the longest time so far today, only about 45 minutes, and he slept soundly the whole time (though noisily as his chin was squashed onto his chest making him snortle a bit!), but it seemed to slide a bit (shoulder) and after about 30 minutes my back was aching a little. So hmmm. I guess I can't be wearing him quite right, but I can't see what I'm doing wrong, if anything. I don't seem to get on very well with slings! I WAS able to put the lamb casserole on to thaw/cook, switch the laundry from the washing machine to the tumble dryer, and look online for a little while, all with Nathan in the sling! If it works, it makes life so much easier! If only my back didn't ache with every sling I try. And Nathan's so tiny and light so far too! I even needed to go to the loo, and managed to do that with Nathan in the sling! :)
Okay it's really late now and Nathan has nursed again on the other side, burped, and is now sucking Neil's little finger. He really seems to need to suck, beyond when he's filled his tummy (he's started possetting tons of milk after he's full now, the very day that I told the health visitor and Neil (and this diary??) that he ISN'T the possetty type, haha! That very evening he brought up huge swathes of milk after a big feed! My milk supply is up in response to his first growth-spurt marathon. The let-down is more forceful since a couple of days after that, and he is getting a fuller tummy too.
All three of my boys have had a huge need to suck. The doctor told me (when Arthur was tiny) that one in three babies will NEED to suck for comfort, rather than just enjoying sucking for comfort. Otherwise they'll get distressed and root and so on, for many hours if needed! Arthur sucked our fingers for hours at a time, for months on end till he seemed to outgrow the need for it so much. Then Matthew was the same way! We had a little one to attend to as well as a tiny baby, so he couldn't suck our fingers around the clock so easily. We used a dummy for Matthew and that soothed him wonderfully. He gave them up himself by around 6 months old. We didn't have to wean him off them at all.
Now Nathan shows signs that he NEEDS to suck too. So much for one-in-three babies! THREE-in-three, in our case! I think we'll go the dummy route with Nathan too, but he is so tiny still, I'm not sure if the dummies would gag him with his tiny mouth and palate. We have two in the cupboard that are still in their packaging, left over from Matthew's time, so we can use those when we get around to it. If they soothe him and he'll take them, it will make things a lot easier, as he'll be happier for us to put him down (I hope!) to attend to one of the other boys or get something done, and we'll also be more hands-free in the evenings if he isn't sucking our fingers to soothe himself to sleep.
Oh! I almost forgot (how could I?!)! Today I won a CAR at eBay!!!! A car!!! I can't believe we bought a car at eBay, it seems such a craaaazy thing to have done, lol! We can't go anywhere as a family at the moment. We have a Ford Mondeo and it only fits two toddler car seats in it, with no room for another. So no room for Nathan. We had always intended to sell the Ford in January and buy a bigger car (an MPV - we basically need a 7-seater vehicle, especially if we're going to have another baby before we're "done") with whatever money we got for the Ford. We knew it might mean we could only afford a VERY second-hand MPV right now, but we were prepared to accept that. We just need a car big enough to seat us all (preferably with luggage space for the pushchairs), even if it's old and flagging! We can't afford anything outside of what we get for the Ford anyway, as we have NO other money or income right now.
So of course Nathan came before we got around to that! We really want to go to church! But we can't go anywhere as a family at all. Neil continues to take the older boys to the park, shops, etc, every day in the Ford, and I haven't wanted to go out in the first couple of weeks postpartum anyway, so it hasn't mattered. But we're really missing church now, and want to take our tiny boy out and show him off a bit! It would be nice to be ABLE to go out, all of us together as well, in our car.
So we were just looking on eBay for an idea of what things were selling for. And somehow ended up bidding on a Chrysler Grand Voyager! It's old (1998) but the milage isn't awful, and it's in great condition with recent new parts and nobody has ever smoked in it (important to me!). It's a vile colour inside and out, but oh well! We did our research and found that the Voyager has the best luggage space at the back out of all the MPVs. And captain's chairs. So we have four seats that can take infant or toddler car seats, and another seat with just a lap belt in the back row. That will suit us well! I hope it lasts on us!
We are pretty sure from our research that we can get �3000 plus for our Ford, and that's pretty much what we were expecting to pay for a Chrysler, from what we'd seen. We were just hoping we wouldn't have to pay anything extra on top of what we get for the Ford, to buy a Chrysler. This one I bid on had to sell and be picked up this week, because the family have a new car coming on Tuesday and need rid of the old one asap. So they had a low starting price and a low reserve. I won it for under �2000!!! Here's hoping it will all work out okay and we won't be diddled or anything - I do hear of these things happening, but we checked the details out carefully and it seems pretty legitimate - even had tax and MOT till NEXT January! Actually it's getting MOT'd tomorrow, so if it happens to fail, we'll have the option of saying we don't want it any more. I think we MIGHT say no thanks if that happens. There are others we can bid on, though I'm not sure we'd get quite as good a buy. But if it doesn't fail the MOT, Neil will go and pick it up this week! We will pay them with our groaning credit card, and sell the Ford (for as much as we can!) as fast as we can - Neil will get it cleaned as soon as the car seats are transferred to the Chrysler and then put it up for sale straight away. Then when we get the money for the Ford, we'll put it back on the credit card, and hopefully even have a profit to take the credit card debt down a bit more, or put in the bank to help us pay our next mortgage payment - those are getting kind of scary now!
Anyway. Another load of stuff that should have been in the other diary! But oh well.
Nathan is stirring and fussing, and rooting now that I look at him and see what he's doing! More milk, already?! Well, I will nurse him again and see what he wants to do. Then try to go to bed, it's soooo late. I'll try to get the camera stuff up soon, and hopefully post new photos next entry.
Thank you for the messages - Meg, I can't believe we're a family of 5! It really made me think, "What?!" when I saw your message, hehe! I really appreciate everyone's support and comments. I have been a bit weepy and feeling down today, so hopefully not getting a bit bluesy like I did from around this time (for the next few MONTHS!) with my other babies. I reeeally hope not.
Okay, got to go - Nathan crying.
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