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2003-10-21 - 11.25am��previous entry��next entry
Blah.
Sorry I haven't updated for a while! Thanks so much to Judy, Andrea and Azrial for your guestbook entries, and Nicola for your email :) Sorry if I worried anyone being away so long! But here I am at last.
This cycle I have been trying to ignore getting pregnant. It hasn't been too hard - for the first time so far! - because I am just feeling fed up with not being pregnant when I want to be pregnant. I feel pessimistic about getting pregnant too, so in my mind I have decided that we aren't getting pregnant this cycle whether we try or not. Fun 'n' cheery, aren't I?! Sorry. I just feel pfththth about it all right now. I guess it's just a phase, after trying without success for a little while, and I'm sure it will pass, but in the meantime I'm hoping it will help me out a bit too. I'm sort of hoping that I'm doing a bit of reverse psychology on myself (!!) by being so sure I WON'T get pregnant, maybe I will after all?
But honestly I am not hopeful this cycle. I don't know why, I just feel sure I won't get pregnant. It hasn't happened so far, so why should it now? I am finding much more comfort from the idea of counting down the months till I can visit the doctor and ask for a referral or some tests or anything that might help us know one way or the other whether we are actually fertile.
Unfortunately the situation isn't helped by the fact that I have been totally off sex since Cameron died. That makes it rather hard to conceive a baby! I have been ignoring what cycle day I'm on till the last few days. It was weird to need to check my old chart and count up to FIND OUT what cycle day I was on!!! That's quite different to the first few obsessive months when I knew what cycle day I was on even in my dreams, hehe!
So today I am on Cycle Day 14. The last couple of cycles I had already ovulated by now, but I haven't ovulated yet this time. Yesterday and today I took my temperature on waking, because I really want to know when I ovulate so that I can know for sure when my period is due. I would hate to get all stressy about whether it's late or whatnot, later in the cycle. So I need to know when I ovulate. My temps are really low this cycle, and today was low too so I haven't ovulated yet. I did a couple of days of OPKs as well (though I forgot yesterday), and they were negative, so no ovulation as yet.
Last night we BD'd just so we'd at least have a "chance" of pregnancy this cycle. I have no EWCM again. None at all. But I know I am coming up to ovulation because I have my most fertile CM that I recognise from other cycles around ovulation.
I don't know. I just can't be bothered. I'm sure it's not gonna happen for us, maybe not ever. You see why I haven't written an entry lately?! I am a real barrel of laughs about TTC right now, and I had no news so it was kinder to my readers not to write! I'm sure you all understand that now you've read this far!
I know this is probably stupid but I haven't taken any folic acid for two or three weeks. Partly after Cameron died it didn't occur to me to do things that I normally did, and then after a while it was partly because I genuinely forgot all the time, now that I am so down on the idea of being able to get pregnant. There just doesn't seem any point. I know I should be taking it if there's ANY chance of pregnancy, which there is really, but I am so not motivated to do anything concerned with having a baby at the moment. I want to have a baby sooooo badly, but I feel like there's no point in the effort, because it will result in nowt. I will try to remember to take my folic acid now though. It has been quite a relief to have a couple of weeks of doing absolutely NOTHING to do with TTC though. No supplements, no temps, no idea of what Cycle Day I was on, nothing. It's been a break, at least that's how it has felt. I am awful with sticking power. I feel like we've tried and failed, so now we need someone else to make us pregnant or else we don't stand a chance and thus there's little point in us bothering anymore. I hate what I'm writing. But it's how I happen to feel at the moment.
But anyway, that said, there is still an allegedly good chance of pregnancy for us each cycle until we are proven to have fertility problems. Neil might have a tiny sperm count or I might have blocked tubes, who knows, but even if that were the case, at this stage we wouldn't have a clue so we and others would still be expecting us to have a normal chance of conception. Which we might not. Or we might. It bugs me that I can't know one way or the other. I suppose it would be worse if we had tests done and everything was okay and we still weren't getting pregnant - then it would bug me that we weren't conceiving but I couldn't understand why not.
Urgh I really think it's time to change the subject!
I haven't made any nappies lately. I have some gorgeous fabrics though. I broke something off my sewing machine last week, hauling carpet over it (!!), but I bought a new part for it yesterday so I think I'm good to sew again now. I can't post a photo of the pocket AIO I made (sorry Andrea!) because we haven't loaded the camera software onto our new PC yet, and um, it's also temporarily lost in the huge mess that's come about in the process of having carpets fitted, so I can't upload the software either yet. But I will! And maybe show you the AIO eventually. It's not that gorgeous, so don't get too excited! It's a "first attempt" type of thing, but I'm still pleased with it.
I have another pair of denim maternity overalls/dungarees. I bought them at UKparents for �5. They are beautiful, but slightly too small around the bum for me. Urgh. And if they're like that now, they will definitely be too small for pregnancy! I also got another maternity bra for pennies, in fab condition. Oh well, if I end up not fitting (or using) any of these, I know I can sell them on at eBay or something. I've been bidding on maternity clothes a lot in the last week or so. That's weird, because of how long it's been since I did that, and because of how I've been ignoring TTC in that time. Odd. But it was fun to do, and I didn't feel pressurised about TTC by bidding on maternity clothes. I won a gorgeous nightie. Can't wait till that arrives. But hmmm, that's all really. People who know about my nappy-making obsession (non-internet friends who have seen them, family, etc) keep on encouraging me to sell them. I don't know how easy that will be, what with patents and testing them out to make sure they fit babies in general and don't wick (leak), etc. There's loads involved in starting to sell cloth nappies. I would love to do it I think, but it would mean a lot of work and a lot of sewing, and I am wary of a fun hobby turning into a job that might make me feel pressurised and then I'll stop enjoying making nappies so much. And I LOVE making them. It's a true hobby. So I don't want that to stop. But maybe that wouldn't happen? I don't know.
I'm waffling now so I'll stop. But I'll write again. I should ovulate any time now, otherwise I'm gonna have a longer cycle than usual. A lady on my TTC board (which I've been reading but not posting on lately) keeps saying that irregular periods show fertility problems, or at least hormonal imbalances that might affect your ability to conceive. She says irregular periods are cycles that vary over more than four days in a 6-month period or a 12-month period of time or something, I can't remember exactly. Well mine have varied a bit, I can't remember off the top of my head, but I've had a couple of 25 day cycles, and then a 31 day cycle, so surely that makes my periods irregular and the rest of what the lady said applies to me? She said people like this should have their hormone levels checked with a blood test. She's always posting replies to people's worries, mostly full-on advice with a negative "you've got problems" vibe, though nothing negative is actually SAID. I usually try to ignore her advice, but this time I wonder.... Anyway, enough. I will write again soon. Like when I ovulate and another wait begins. I don't think I'll temp after I ovulate. I just want this cycle to be over already so the next one can start and be done with too, and then we'll be into cycle 7 and I can start feeling less silly about going to the doctor for help.
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