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2004-03-27 - 7.06pm��previous entry��next entry
8 weeks, 1 day - progress report! :)
Oooh I have had a couple of queeeaasy days so I haven't been on the computer much lately. I am okay though. Ginger is NOT my friend. I thought it didn't like me a few years ago and I am definitely right. It makes me feel MORE sick, not less. Yuck. I am guessing I feel more nauseous than before because the hormone that's responsible for it peaks between 8 and 9 weeks, and I'm 8 weeks (and 1 day) now. Wow! I feel like the end of the first trimester is in sight now, even though it's still weeks away. It has been one month today since I had my first positive pregnancy test. In some ways it feels like forever, but in other ways I can't believe that's ALL the time that has passed! Only one month! But it means 7 more to go, which I know is gonna fly by, especially when I feel better.
Today is my third day running of NO BLEEDING!!! Yaaaaay!! I am so pleased. I have much more CM than usual which makes me nervous because I always think it will be blood, but it never is. I hope it stays that way now!
Thanks everyone for the guestbook messages, especially websites about signing. I have planned to sign with my baby for ages, since I read Aisling and Mia's diaries when they were successfully signing with their clever little boys! I am not gonna buy the info/video stuff yet though - there's plenty of time for that later.
I have been having such vivid dreams lately, which I know is normal since my books all say so. But none of them have been nice. Last night I had a proper nightmare - me and Mummy were running in the town from this gunman who was shooting everybody. We ran and ran, and then Mummy tripped and fell, and she wouldn't get up again, no matter how I screamed at her to run. I had to leave her and go on alone, and it was the most awful feeling ever, because I knew she would get killed and I had left her to die. Anyway I got shot in the end with a bunch of other people. I felt terrible for Neil whenever he finally heard the news. I woke up all out of breath, it was so horrible. The feelings were so extreme, like they were right off my scale, it was awful.
And then I had one where scans of the baby showed Neil was not the father. I just wanted to die and never have the baby, I don't know why, I just felt devastated and it was such a shock. So weird.
I have also been continuing to have a lot of miscarriage dreams - the night before last I had a really vivid one where I had to have a D&C, and the whole part of being anaesthatised was so vivid. And bleeding after. And hoping that somehow they had not done anything to me while I was under, after all, and the baby might still be alive. I couldn't find any pads to deal with the bleeding and people kept interrupting me in the toilet.
I hope I have some good dreams soon!!
I am still sort of waiting for the classic first trimester non-existant libido, but uh it's not happening to me! I am frisky as ever, but we are abstaining anyway till the end of this trimester, just because of the bleed and our general anxiety about it, etc.
What else? I am waiting on my first midwife appointment, which should already be here, I don't know why it hasn't arrived. But oh well. Hopefully I'll get the letter on Monday. I've expected it all week but it's still not here. Anyway I am looking forward to my first appointment. Did I tell you my GP said they would not support a homebirth for a first time pregnancy? I said that's what I was hoping for, and she said my surgery won't support it, but I should talk to my midwife. So I started to think, okay maybe I will have to accept a hospital birth? But then I decided to just explain all this and ask what other mums thought at a homebirth forum online, and EVERYONE is like, "Of COURSE you can have a homebirth for your first baby, don't let them push you around!!! Oh and here's a million links to support you!" So I went to all the links they gave me and read all the research and a LOT of first baby homebirth stories, and I am SO having a homebirth. I am quite confident about insisting, because as I have been reading, the health care profession have absolutely no rights over what kind of birth I have. It is actually 100% my choice, no matter my situation. I can take their reasonings into account but on NO grounds can anyone tell me I can't have this or that kind of birth. It's MY choice. If I have a lot of trouble getting anyone to support me, there's even a place I can report it so it can be fed back on a governmental level! Cool. So I'm HAVING a homebirth. Unless *I* change MY mind :) And I feel loads better for that confidence booster.
Obviously if there ends up being a risk because of something that develops later in my pregnancy or something, then I can change my mind. I know I can transfer to hospital at any point. But I really really want to give birth and labour at home, where I feel most comfortable and familiar. NOT a hospital. There are NO increased risks for a first time mother. Infact the research I saw indicates that it's BETTER for a mother to have her first baby at home, in order to learn about her body and birth in the best setting.
Anyway so I hope I get a midwife who will support me or it could get kind of sticky. And I'll change doctor's surgeries of course. I should anyway because we moved out of their catchment area. I hope the next doctor's surgery supports me though...
I think Bean is working on bones right now, because EVERYTHING I eat has calcium in it! I can't get enough milk and cheese and stuff. I eat a couple of large servings of yoghurt a day, just because it's soooo yummy, and several glasses of milk. Oh and strawberries. I ate a whole punnet of those since yesterday and I LOVE them sooo mcuh!! Yum. Strawberries. Rich in vitamin C I think, and I am not impressed with citrus these days so maybe that's why strawberries are so wonderful right now? Today I had a Domino's Pizza. I felt sick and didn't know if it would be a good idea, but Neil went and got me one (saves money on delivery) and it has been the BEST thing for my nausea these last 2 days! It was soooo yummy. I ate half a huge pizza, the most I've eaten in ages. Mmmm pizza! I didn't weigh myself today because I don't want to get all obsessive with whether I'm putting my weight back on satisfactorily or not. I'm sure my general trend will be UP! So that's okay.
I am getting up to pee in the night now, every night, which is encouraging also. My breasts are still very sore, but I like that too - I like everything, even the bad stuff, because it all reminds me that I am having a baby, and how wonderful is that? Lately I have been getting these surges of.... sort of overwhelmed feelings, like WOOOOAAAH there, I'm not sure I can cope with having a baby, and what on EARTH made me think I wanted to have one, and sometimes I just want to pretend everything is back to how it used to be, just me and Neil and no scary (though lovely) irreversible massive life-change bulletting towards us at the speed of light! That kind of thing. My pregnancy books call it "ambivalence" and say it's completely normal, and even a necessary part of adjusting to impending parenthood, especially for first-time parents. I know it's just fear of change, and it will be the most wonderful change EVER, but it's sometimes still a scary thought all the same.
Well other than that I'm happy and doing fine, just queasy and that. Nothing much more to report, so I'll go for now. I must post a developmental photo now that I'm eight weeks though! Let me see if there's a decent one online to post....
Okay here's one:
Isn't Bean getting cute? Ahhh my special Bean.... :)
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