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2005-07-12 - 10.26pm��previous entry��next entry
Another cycle, another broody month...
Ahhhh, writing here feels like sinking into your favourite comfy chair :)
Okay so I wanted to update on last cycle. And some thoughts and stuff.
I DID ovulate when I thought last cycle, but my temps were a bit weird and changeable through my luteal phase. But oh well. My luteal phase lengthened to 7 days last cycle!!!! Yeeahhh! I was so pleased, because it was 4 days for the previous 2 cycles.
New things this cycle � sex. Yup, finally! It�s weird to be actually WORRYING about sex leading to pregnancy, not that we have anything to worry about so far this cycle. I hate trying to avoid pregnancy. It feels so unnatural!! ;) I think I could keep having babies forever and be happy. But then I can easily say that, only having one baby so far! Also how much does contraception suck? My doctor is always banging on at me to go on the pill or use condoms. I nod and smile, having no intention of doing either, because yeurgh, I hate both. The pill just doesn�t seem like something I want to put in my system, and it messed me up when I was on it for a while after we were first married. There just isn�t an easy convenient method. I bought condoms last week at the supermarket � why oh why am I the most easy-going person around with squeamish issues, and yet buying condoms makes me squirm?!! Even from a very easy-going-looking pharmacist! Silly. Of course I bought two boxes of painkillers as well ;) But anyway. We are not going to use birth control. It will probably be easier for us to avoid my fertile window, and if we happen (by some very unlikely chance) to get pregnant anyway, then we will know it�s God�s plan :) The condoms are for some random moment of fertile passion. OoOoOoOooh, did you see that flying pig?!! ;) Anyway, we are going to be trying for real before we know it. Only 5 months time, if the plan sticks!
Well methinks I have talked enough about our private privateness, heh.
Right now I am ferrrrtile :) I love to know I�m fertile!!! It�s still such a joy and a thrill after the worries and waiting for Arthur to be conceived, even though we aren�t needing to make use of it yet. I hope I stay like this now. Today is CD19 and last cycle I got my first day of EWCM on CD19. Today I was very happy to find a lot of great EWCM again. It does make me feel antsy to put it to good use, but I am biding my time!
I wonder if my luteal phase will be longer, shorter or the same this time? I am nursing Arthur soooo frequently at the moment that I keep being sure I can�t possibly ovulate this cycle! But I think I will. I wonder about the luteal phase though. Surely it will be shorter this time � I breastfeed so frequently. It�s really hot and sticky at the moment and I am offering Arthur the breast hourly if he wants it, to keep his fluids up. He takes a TON of milk around naptimes, as it�s the sleepy tool so if he�s struggling to sleep (like if it�s too hot or he�s teething) then he just nurses and nurses and nurses and nurses till he�s asleep. He gets a lot of milk this way! But it takes him ages to drop off, and then he wakes again after a few minutes so he gets more. I know it would be great if he could learn how to sleep on his own, but he�s only little for a while and I LOVE breastfeeding him. He loves nursing, and he loves my milk, and it works to help him sleep. Soooo it�s all good. It will be over before I know it and I�ll miss it like crazy. Even if I�m already doing it with another little one. I will miss nursing Arthur specifically. I love him so much!
He is 8 months old now! Amazing.
I have the weirdest feelings about having another baby these days. They conflict all over the place. I am terrifically broody. Arthur seems so big and so much older now, and he doesn�t even compare with a tiny newborn anymore, or even a little 2 or 3 month old. He is almost crawling, walks with lots of support, says Mama and Dada, eats big boy food and does big boy poo-poos! He laughs and babbles and has funny little quirks and mannerisms. His personality is really starting to shine through. He looks so big and his hair is growing in so thickly now (though it still won�t lie flat on top!). I don�t have a little baby anymore, and I am getting broody for another.
BUT, the very idea makes me feel sad. Because it�s like I�ll be replacing Arthur in some way. Which obviously isn�t the case, but it FEELS that way sometimes. He will no longer be my baby. Well, my BABY baby, that is. He seems so little for such a thing! I would love to be pregnant again, but I think that if I honestly found myself so right now, I would be scared and have a lot of mixed feelings. My first thoughts would be for Arthur. I know he would probably reap the wonderful benefits of having a sibling so close in age later on, but for his little years I would worry for him. He is my all, my precious, my lovely baby boy. I feel like it should feel this way forever. I don�t want there to be any other focus but him in our family, because he�s THAT precious to me. But at the same time I want to add more children to our family. But then he would not be the only focus any longer.
I just want to spend all my time with just Arthur these days, I feel so so so in love with him. Like never before. Obviously I need to be spending time with just myself and also with my husband too, but my feelings for Arthur just overwhelm me these days. It makes me feel sad to think of that time coming to an end, or moving on from that. Even though it would be a positive thing too.
Urgh, mixed-up me! Arthur just woke up for a feed so I�ll be back in a bit.
Ahh my little precious! Surely he should be my one and only. I know there is plenty of room left in my heart for other little Arthurs, as they are sure to be just as precious. I just can�t get past the feelings at the moment. Anyway, I want Arthur to have his mummy all to himself until he�s at least 12 months old. His first year should be his own, I think. Plus my body needs to fully re-coup. I see an osteopath at the moment for back pain � an injury from lifting Arthur I think, but it is basically only an issue because my back has a lot of problems that I didn�t realise before. So I need to get those fixed BEFORE getting pregnant again. Otherwise I am going to have a painful pregnancy, and the problems will be that much worse when I am finished with the next pregnancy. So far I am having weekly or fortnightly treatments on my back. Also I have to ice it down 2-5 times a day � something I am hideously disorganised about and therefore never manage to do! I have to strengthen the muscles in my lower torso to help my back support itself (it is loooonnnng, compared with my legs) as the muscles seem weaker than they should be, and those that have been compensating in my middle back are now hurting and straining. So I have exercises to do. I particularly need to strengthen my transabdominal muscle. It�s taken me a week or two just to FEEL it contract when I try to move it!! So I have a lot of work to do there. Also pelvic floor exercises (Kegels). I am such a slacker on exercises. I will try harder. Maybe it will motivate me if I remind myself that I will not be physically �ready� for another pregnancy till this is sorted out, even if the time comes around to when we had planned to TTC again! I think that is how it should be anyway. My body being in the best shape it can be is more important than trying a bit earlier.
I have to start swimming at least once a week � my osteopath said today. I don�t know how or when I�ll fit that in! But I have to. I somehow have to get my torso stronger. I like to look at it as getting in training for my next pregnancy! That makes it so much more exciting!!! Almost like it felt when I was taking the prenatal vitamins in the months before we even started TTC Arthur! Not actually trying, but definitely preparing for the next special baby in our lives!! How exciting! I am not currently taking prenatal vitamins though. I guess I�ll start that in the autumn, if we are still planning to start TTC in December. Although it wouldn�t hurt me to take them now actually. Breastfeeding mama and all that.
My, I�m waffly this evening.
What else? Oh my last period was the REAL thing. Reeeeal thing. Heavy as it ever used to be, and crampy crampy crampy. It lasted a good 5 days which is at least as long as it used to. I was sort of hoping I would be one of those mothers whose periods improve drastically after having a baby, but oh well! I guess I didn�t have to take so many painkillers as normal, or writhe around with a hot water bottle in the night, so that is something! :)
Fertility Friend and TTC forums make me broody. Brooooooody. I shouldn�t read them! But I am hooked, I can�t help myself. Also I should NOT be watching �The Baby House� on daytime telly. Nope. But the right time will come, and it will be my turn again. Arthur is suddenly 8 months old, which seems to have just miraculously passed in an instant, so 5 months till the official TTC time will be here in like a blink of an eye, and I�ll be amazed once I�m there again. So I should stop waffling and go now, and get on with my one-baby-is-all-I-need life for now! But I will be back :)
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