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2004-03-12 - 7.17pm��previous entry��next entry
6 weeks. Maybe.
Thanks for all the supportive guestbook messages again. It feels so puny to just say thank you, but I do mean it. I probably would not have updated today but then I saw Ash had asked! So here I am :)
Nothing too newsy really. I am a feeling quite blah today. I can't put myself in either camp, pregnant, or not pregnant. Today I am having some brown bleeding, but not very much. I had a fair bit this afternoon, and then nothing till just now when I had a bit of spotting. But at least it's not red.
The whooole afternoon I have been convinced I was bleeding. I could even feel it leaking. But amazingly, when I checked there was nothing there. What is that about? Maybe I'm starting to go crazy?
Here's another crazy thing that I am super-embarrassed about. I am absolutely terrified of needing to uhm, move my bowels. I feel sure I will bleed and bleed and bleeeeed. But I don't mean, oh that makes me a little anxious. I am really panicked about it. It's crazy of me. I have to have the water running in the bathroom and my hand on a wet flannel in order to even pee. I physically can't relax my muscles enough, I am that tense about the bleeding. I know people will tell me to relax and for goodness sake calm down, this is not good for me or the baby, etc, etc, but please don't, because you have no idea. I cannot physically do anything about this type of tension.
I am bleeding despite being super-cautious with my muscles when I pee. I am usually constipated so I am scared out of my wits to go for a BM. I haven't since before I started bleeding so I know it's gonna be soon, and I'm so afraid to start having fresh bleeding again. Of course this whole thing is stupid because if I am miscarrying there is absolutely NO WAY going for a BM will make things any different. If I am NOT miscarrying then all the things I read tell me that a BM will not CAUSE miscarriage. So why am I so worried?
Urgh. It's seeing bleeding, that's all it is. Doesn't matter if it's inevitable or harmless, or what. It's so scary to see blood when you're pregnant. And I KNOW I'm gonna see some if I have a BM. But it's not like I can choose not to go. A girl's gotta go and all that.
Urgh.
Well in other news, I am nauseous today like never before. I felt sick for 3 hours last night until I went to bed, and then today I slept in till NOON (!!) and felt sick from when I was still in bed. I have hardly been able to eat today. I nibbled on crackers, but the tiniest nibbles EVER otherwise I felt too gaggy. After I got through 4 or 5, I had a break, still feeling gross. And then later I ate an apple, which went down fine even though I still felt nauseous. Neil made me ham and lettuce sandwiches which I felt like eating, so I ate most of those but still felt sick. And now I still feel sick.
So that is.... encouraging? Frustrating? Infuriating? Scary? I don't know what to think. It seems to me like morning sickness, which is obviously a great sign of a healthy pregnancy, but I am quite aware that faced with a threatened miscarriage, I could fairly easily feel very sick with no physical cause. And I am capable of feeling this sick from my IBS, although perhaps not this persistantly. Hmmm. I don't want to let those hopes rise up, not till I see Bean. Only if I see Bean will I be able to relax. Until then I can't afford to hope.
Last night I phoned the lady who organises the prayer chain at church. I phoned her at 9.20pm as Sue told me if I called her then, I might just be in time - apparantly she doesn't like being called late at night. Anyway she was really cold with me :( She listened and wrote things down and said she'd email people straight away, and she said to take care, etc, but really, I felt like she was annoyed with me. I asked her if I was calling too late. She did that "..... No." answer, you know, where there's a pause before the answer so you can be sure to notice she means "yes". So I said are you sure, and got the same answer. I asked if was disturbing something. Same answer. I know I shouldn't be getting all bitter or down on people, but man I really could have used a little compassion last night, whether it was 9pm or 2am, don't you think?! I feel really cross. Neil was actually angry when I told him. But oh well, people have been told about our situation and are praying as a result, so hey ho, that's good.
I feel sick. And I have nothing else to say. Sorry I am less cheerful today. I just don't know how I'm going to make it another whole week. I am six weeks pregnant today. I looked at the pictures and read about the development but I can't dwell on it. I hate that I am being robbed of this time with my baby. I hate that I can't even know if I HAVE baby or not. I hate this whole thing. (but I am also doing okay, and the hate thing is just a part of how I'm feeling, so don't worry!). Just venting.
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