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2009-01-04 - 10:55 p.m.��previous entry��next entry
13 weeks, 4 days - names, names...
A week since my last entry!!! I wanted to write a lot this week, but haven't had the chance till now.
Off the subject of pregnancy for a moment, I just wanted to make sure I mention here that I have moved my main diary to Blogger! My arthursmummy diary in the left hand list over there is not at Diaryland any more. But I did move EVERYTHING over, so it's just all that I usually am, just in a new home! :) My new blog url is http://arthursmummy.blogspot.com. I hope you'll come and visit me there! I plan to write more often (we'll see!). I really want to move this diary there too (I keep getting nervous about how long Diaryland is going to last, now that it's sooooo tiny compared with the bloggy giants out there, hehe!), but there are 578 entries at this diary - can you believe it?!?! That's a whoooole lotta pregnant waffling, hehe! I copied and pasted the 269 entries from arthursmummy, but I don't know if I could face 578! 269 was hard enough! So, that's news that I wanted to post here tonight! :)
Pregnancy stuff! :D
I'll be 14 weeks pregnant this coming week. It's going pretty fast! I have had a re-appearance of morning sickness these last 4 or 5 days, bleurgh. I don't know why. I'm EXTRA super duper tired though, just getting silly late nights and then Nathan being ultrarooney wakeful or wanting to hang out on my breast for 2 hours straight in the night (I can't sleep well like that now I'm getting a little uncomfy in the pelvis for pregnancy reasons). He is really screechy and distraught if I don't do that when he wants to. I am finding myself increasingly impatient lately and feeling SO READY for him to sleep through the night, or at least 4 hours of it! He has never really done 4+ hours at night - his usual is a couple of hours, but he's easy to settle on the breast. I've also hit a stage of pregnancy where I am feeling "touched out" all the time, it just makes me so irritable!
I think I'm just irritable at the moment, hormonally speaking. Which makes extended breastfeeding a bit more tricky! ;) I am doing a lot more shouting at my kids than I SHOULD be doing, which I really really really don't like :( I need more sleep. I am going to bed after this entry.
I have had really bad IBS this last few days too, and I think that's made the nausea seem worse. Anything I eat just sends my bowel cramping horribly and it's so painful and bothersome. It kept me awake quite a lot for two nights running, so I suppose that hasn't helped the tiredness! I do get patches of MUCH WORSE IBS than usual during my pregnancies, and thankfully I haven't had much at all this time, compared with the other times! But this weekend hasn't been so nice.
It's nearly time for another belly pic! I've just remembered, I take one at 14 weeks and then fortnightly from then on! My uterus is getting bigger and higher all the time. When I lie in bed on my back it's really clear to feel, pretty flat still, but rounding out more all the time. This morning when I woke up and felt my tummy, the top of my uterus was only an inch and a half from my tummy button!! It's not really that high normally, just when I've been lying down all night! :) I'm getting a few noticable Braxton Hicks now, and STILL really not feeling any movements from little Babydot! I think I felt a little tiny tap one time the other night, but that was it, and it was so light that I could have been mistaken. So weird for my babies! I sometimes get nervous that he's not okay in there, but my uterus is fairly rocketing in size so I guess he is growing in there okay. Also I felt his little body pressed against the front/top of my uterus the other morning, lying in bed! I could actually feel his HARD little head sticking out, and even see a sort of small egg shape to the flat of my tummy when I took a look under the covers! It was maybe just over an inch in diameter, through my tummy, and so much harder than I expected, even though I've been there and done this before a few times! So, even though I don't feel him moving around, I guess I can be reassured that he's growing and changing position and that! :)
Now, the main thing this week has been the issue of Babydot's NAME. That is what I've really wanted to write about, but just keep not having time, or if I have a tiny window then I just think about it and feel "uuphhfhfhfh" about writing it all out. But, I really need some advice and opinions, and I WANT to write about it, so here we are! :)
You guys know that we felt God told me when Nathan was 3 weeks old, that the next baby would be "Benjamin". So, there has been no question about his name, for me. Neil goes along with it, though it's not his favourite choice, apparently (not that he has any other ideas!). The only thing I didn't know about was what his middle name would be. I like my babies to have middle names! I don't like 2 or more middle names, but I DO like a middle name for babies. So far we have always chosen "special" names for our children's middle names - they are named after other special people with their middle names. Arthur's middle name is Cameron, after my sweet Cam who died in 2003. Most of you know about Cam so I don't need to go over it again this time, I think.
Matthew's middle name is Gerrard - Neil's dad's name. He was ill with leukaemia and strokes and such for several years, and while I was pregnant with Matthew it became pretty clear that he was not going to survive to see Matthew born. Using his name for Matthew was obvious, for us. And we were so glad he was a boy, to do that! The family name that has been used a lot in my family for boys is Robert. I know I have mentioned that here, probably every time I've been pregnant. In fact, last pregnancy I was up in the air for a while about whether to use Martin (my dad's name), or Robert. I liked the idea of using my dad's name since we had just used Neil's dad's name, and I loved the idea of honouring my daddy like that. But originally it was going to be Robert. I remember asking for advice here because I didn't know which to use! I thought Nathan Robert flowed so much better than Nathan Martin. But I'm glad to have used Martin in the end! :)
When I was younger, Robert was the only name I had in mind to use as a middle name if I had a son, because of its specialness in my family. My mummy's beloved Pa (her daddy) was called Robert, and he died when I was a baby. Mummy's sister named her only son Robert. Mummy gave her only son Robert for his middle name. Well, he has two middle names - Robert Edward, but anyway. I have always wanted to carry that on.
Soooo, you see where I'm going with this? If we have a Benjamin and his middle name is Robert, which is what I WANT more than anything, because Benjamin Robert - how well does that flow, and how lovely does it sound, not to mention that those two names are special in their own right to me?! But, my brother's name is also Benjamin Robert (Edward). I wondered if that might be getting a bit close for comfort, and I was talking to Neil about it. He suggested that I phone my mum and my brother and ask what they think. They're very supportive and easy-going about everything, so I wasn't worried about doing so.
My brother happened to be staying with my parents' over Christmas and New Year, so I phoned them during the week to ask about it. I spoke to Mummy, and she said she didn't know how he'd feel about it. She said she'd ask him for me, if I wanted (which I did). But she did surprise me saying all sorts of stuff about how she'd always have "her Benjamin" and so if I named my baby Benjamin then he could never be "her Benjamin" like Arthur is "her Arthur", etc. Which I kind of understand, so that's okay, but yeah. But she also said about how it would be sure to get shortened from Benjamin, and wouldn't it just end up as Bennie? My brother was named Benjamin with the intention of him being called Bennie from day one. So we've never called him Benjamin, except the RARE occasions he seemed to be in trouble with my mum, hehe! He was a very good boy (drove me nuts, as I was quite the opposite! Hehe!). As my mum pointed out though, he still IS Benjamin, as well.
Now, I know my weakness with names! I KNOW I can't seem to help shortening my children's names and adding an "ee" sound at the end of them! Arthur is quite often "Arthie", Matthew is very often, "Mathie" or "Mathsie", and Nathan is probably "Nathey" more often than he's Nathan to me at the moment! ;) So, Benjamin? Let's face it, I probably WILL be at risk of turning that into Bennie. Mummy has more of an issue with that than I thought she would, which is a bit of a bummer. I feel like I can't imagine ACTUALLY calling the baby Bennie, because that really does feel like it's already somebody else's name close to me. So it would (surely?) feel weird to call him that by accident, and thus I wouldn't keep it up? She asked what else I might shorten it to, if not Bennie. I don't really know. I am thinking Ben-Ben, or Little Ben, or Benny-boy sometimes, maybe, when he's tiny like Nathan is. I really can't tell ahead of time, it's frustrating me! I imagine that doing that will mean that he becomes Ben pretty quickly. I used to really not like Ben as a name, but it's growing on me a lot lately.
What I REALLY like more than all those, is just the plain full name, Benjamin! I fully intend to just call the baby Benjamin, without shortening it! That's what I've wanted to do all along, but I do recognise that I have a weakness for shortening names! ;) Mummy is saying that it will be weird to be talking on the phone and saying his name (especially if I've shortened it to Bennie) and we won't know which one we're talking about, since we talk about Bennie quite a bit too. She pointed out that Sarah calls him "Benji", so I guess by that she means that I "can't" use that one either?! It's starting to frustrate/slightly annoy me, just a little. I think she's seeing it more exaggerated than it will really be, but anyway, she seemed bothered by the idea. I can't promise not to call him Bennie or Benji, and it makes me feel nervous and uneasy about using the name Benjamin now :(
Mummy said she would go and discuss it with Bennie and Sarah and Daddy, since they were all there around the fire - if I wanted her to. I DID, because I value their opinions and want to know how they feel about it. They're all lovely people who love me and I trust them, and knew they'd be nice and Mummy would report honestly, so that's fine. Also, much easier for Bennie to react honestly without me right there - I asked Mummy to be sure to notice his body language as well when she told him. He doesn't really say anything negative in response to anything people say or reveal to him, he's SO loyal, and would just be supportive even if he felt funny about it. So I asked her to really NOTICE his reaction for me!
I phoned later in the evening and they'd chatted. I had also had a think, feeling a bit down about the idea that it might not be so easy to call this baby Benjamin as I thought, and therefore maybe I shouldn't? I started to think maybe we should use a different middle name (because she seemed to think that the use of both my brother's first AND middle name might be more bothersome to him), so I looked online and in the baby names book for ideas before phoning my mum. Neil and I had already said that once we use up all our special/family names (which we have, for boys, Robert aside), we'll maybe start using names for their meanings, or that tell something about our story at the time, or our faith or something.
I considered:
Benjamin David, because David means "beloved". But I don't really like the name David in itself.
Benjamin Asher, because Asher means "happy, blessed". I like that, but the full name there just doesn't look familiar and "us" enough to me.
Benjamin Isaac, because Isaac means "laughter", or "he laughs". I love that! I think that is my favourite so far.
There were a few others, Michael (God is gracious), Joseph (he will enlarge, hehe!), etc. But nothing really did it for me, and I'd much rather use Robert (which incidentally means "bright fame").
Then I started to think maybe we should consider using Benjamin as a MIDDLE name. I just thought, "What on earth are we going to name him, if not Benjamin?!" because I just hadn't thought of baby names, ones to actually NAME a baby, because Benjamin has been so obvious to me since Nathan was a newborn. I thought about the VERY FEW boys names I had left last pregnancy, that I vaguely/quite liked. Really I could only think of Toby or Noah. I once thought after Nathan, if we have 3 more boys, I would name them Benjamin, Noah, and Toby! That's just ME though, Neil would never agree! We don't really agree on names easily, it seems!
So then I went back to Noah and Toby. I'm not sure about Toby. But I just looked at the words Noah and Benjamin together, and suddenly just had one of those unexpected, "Aaawwww!" moments as I saw the name Noah Benjamin. I just LOVE that name! It sounds and flows soooo beautifully! I also LOVE the meaning of Noah - it means "rest, comfort" and when I looked it up again to remind myself of the meaning, and saw it there on the page, it INSTANTLY made me think of Babydot's scan picture - he's soooo laid back! Nicola has pointed out to me since that he was using the placenta as a pillow under his head, hehe! I can't believe that didn't occur to me as I looked at the picture, until she mentioned it. I LOVE that he's doing that, because it really adds yet another thing to the whole image that I was trying to explain last entry about how LAID-BACK this baby seems to be! So, the meaning of Noah seems to be perfect for this little one, so far!
So, I instantly felt way better about it, and feeling more cheerful, I put the book down and picked up the phone to call my mum. She told me that when she told them that I wanted to name the baby Benjamin Robert, Bennie got a sort of mock horrified look on his face and pointed to himself! So that really tells me that he feels like that is HIS name and it feels weird to think he'll have a close family member with the exact same name. I wondered if he might have just been surprised and covering feeling flattered, or something, but I don't know. Anyway, nobody said anything BAD about it, but I think they all felt that it might seem odd.
Mummy told them I was open to the idea of other middle names, and they talked about that for a while. Then she told me that they'd had an idea that I might not like, and they felt a bit awkward about suggesting things because it shouldn't be up to them to name our baby! But I said that was fine, and she asked what about if we used Benjamin for his middle name instead of his first? I said I had thought of that too. And then she said that Sarah thought Noah Benjamin was a beautiful name!!! It was such a weird moment, because I had just come to that conclusion myself!
The only thing is, Neil has always said he doesn't like the name Noah. He's funny like that - Bible names that aren't used so much around here just make him think of old men in white robes with long beards. *sigh* I find that kind of tiresome, like has he NO imagination?! ;) But anyway. That's his image. But I told him about the phone conversation and he immediately just said, "Great, let's go with Noah Benjamin then!" I was a bit stunned and asked if he was sure because he said he didn't like it before. He said it was fine! So I was really excited about my little Noah Benjamin!
Over the next couple of days, I've realised that I'm NOT really so happy about it as I thought. I just keep feeling kind of deflated and sad about not having my own baby Benjamin. I like that we'd still be using the name Benjamin (which is really important to me as I feel God said that's his name), and I love the name Noah, but I keep thinking of the baby and absent-mindedly calling him Benjamin in my mind, and then having to correct myself and when I do it's so.... I don't know. I feel a little sag in my shoulders, emotionally, when I do. I also think that Arthur, Matthew, Nathan and Benjamin goes soooooooooo nicely! And Arthur, Matthew, Nathan and Noah does not go so well as the Benjamin version. Benjamin with our surname is such a fab, strong-sounding name! I LOVE it with our surname! Noah is still a nice match, but not so fab to me as Benjamin.
Is it just a case of getting used to a new idea of a name, after all this time of feeling sure we'd call our next baby Benjamin, and already associating it with Babydot? Will I get used to it? Should I just give myself more time? Or is this evidence that I'm really not happy with giving Benjamin the heave-ho as a first name for my family's sake, and thus I shouldn't?
I have such mixed feelings about it. I don't want to make my family feel funny. We're close and they're supportive, and I know if I just say, "Look, you know what? I think we're just going to go with Benjamin Robert anyway." they'll just be supportive and not say any more about it, I'm sure (I hope!). But I don't like to think they're not happy with that, or that our choice makes them uncomfortable for the long-haul, you know?
Lately I've started to hit a new (possibly hormonally-influenced?!) phase where I'm starting to feel annoyed that this is being made a bit of a difficult decision for me/us, when originally there was no question and I was soooo happy about the name! It feels annoying that it's been spoiled for me because of other people's thoughts on the name when it's nothing to do with them!! But I feel bad thinking like that, because it's not very nice of me! Also, Mummy IS nice about it, and she did point out that it was actually none of their business what we name our baby! But she said that I asked what they thought about it (because I did want to know how they felt, and I wanted to take that into account, but didn't expect to have trouble...), and so she was letting me know.
Urgh, what to do?!
Do I just go with Noah Benjamin and get used to it in time? Do you think I will? I feel sad that I won't ever have a Benjamin then, even if we have another boy after this, because Benjamin will have been used by then as a middle name. And next time, Noah Robert doesn't sound so well as Noah Benjamin. But that's just a minor thing! :)
Do I go back to Benjamin as a first name but pick a different middle name - Benjamin Isaac is my favourite so far, and Neil says he doesn't mind that name at all, so that's good.
Or do I just brush aside all the above and go for Benjamin Robert like I would ideally choose to do if there were not issues about it in the family?
I just don't know! Thankfully we have plenty of time to figure it out, but I don't like stuff like this hanging over me, and I'd love to sort it out asap! I'm glad to have a place where I can lay it alllllllll out on the table and get some opinions!
Well, this entry is really long and it's getting late. Neil worked tonight (it's Sunday!) because he had stuff that needed doing for Monday morning, but he's back now, at midnight. I can never go to sleep till his key turns in the door, when he's out, so I figured it was a good evening to do all the LONG-WINDED stuff like diary entries and such! :) Glad I caught up a bit! Back again soon!
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