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2007-06-21 - 11.08pm��previous entry��next entry
6 weeks, 3 days pregnant - bleurgh!
Soooo nauseous today, ugh.
It's 9pm, Arthur is finally asleep and I just feel to sick to stay up trying to do things, so I think I will go to bed. I just wanted to write a few things here until I can't any more (!), before that. Usually at this stage (or, last pregnancy anyway!) the whole of week 6 is unrecorded here, because I just feel too yeurghy! I didn't want to let it pass without updating, so here I am.
I'm nauseous all day, every day, though some days not for the first hour or so, which is great! Today the nausea is at a whole new gear for some reason. All the foods I was eating to make the queasiness go away, before, are now not having ANY effect on the nausea. I seem to remember this from the other times though, blah. I still need to eat them, to stop the nausea getting way worse. I HATE eating while I feel too sick to eat, and I also hate eating food that I can hardly bear to look at, let alone put it in my mouth and chew and swallow it!
But, I'm still soooo grateful, because it surely MUST mean that Beanlet is doing well in there?! I am still having daft moments of denial, where I think, "Oh maybe I am just feeling a bit queasy for a random reason, and I'm making it out to be more than it is anyway?" (I think this particular thought when the nausea has gone away - noooo way could I think that when it's kicking my butt!).
Ugh, I stopped for 30 mins because I felt too gross. The salt and vinegar crisps didn't work at all 45 minutes ago. But I just ate an apple, which was awful to do at first, but better as I went on, and now I feel soooo much better! Yay! I predict it will last about 3 minutes, but I will take that! :)
We are going Arthur's little friend Joshua's 3rd birthday party on Saturday. It's at a farm. I will be sure to steer well clear of sheep and goats, and not pet or feed any. I can't actually remember EXACTLY why you have to do that when pregnant, but I just remember the bit about avoiding them! So I'll do that. I am a bit nervous about feeling awful though. Right now I am thinking that farm-y smells are NOT going to be friends with me on the day. Yeurgh. I hope it will be okay. I am not going to touch animals at all because I will need to snack pretty much constantly (as I seem to need to these days!)!
Biting my nails and fingers totally turns my stomach. This is a GOOD thing! It happens every pregnancy when I'm morning sick, and it means I actually have un-mangled-looking fingers and nice nails for once!! ;) I don't always bite my nails any more, but I am hopeless at stopping biting my actual fingers. Yuck! It's such a horrid habit. My fingers taste dreadful to me when I feel morning sick so I just can't do it. I still find myself absent-mindedly doing so anyway, but I pay for instantly with a lurchy tummy and sudden increase in the intensity of my nausea. NOT worth it! I'm trying not to. It's better than that nil-bite stuff that my grandparents used to paint on my fingernails when I was young! Way more effective! ;)
Today I took the boys out to the park, just for a short time to run about and stuff (well, the one who runs did!) and I pushed Matthew in the tandem pushchair. Lately Arthur wants to go in the pushchair when he's had enough and so the tandem is being very useful again! But huffing them back to the car slightly uphill was actually more than I was able to do, which was weird for me! I was so exhausted. I just couldn't catch my breath or make my body push it any longer, and I could see the car not 50 feet away but still felt anxious about how I would ever get them there! I seem to have such a short "burst" when it comes to energy. It's okay for a tiny amount of time, and then SUDDENLY, it's gone. Just like that! And when I say gone, I don't mean that then I'm tired. I mean, like I am breathless and can't walk any further - needing somebody to help me and worrying about what's going to happen to my kids, that kind of thing! I am generally so exhausted this pregnancy. I know it's normal for the 1st trimester though, and more so for the fact that I have two other kids under 3. I hope I get to that blooming energetic nesty stage of pregnancy mercifully fast!
Oh! I had my first gender dream the other night!! I wanted to write here about it straight away but I just didn't get chance, and then I needed to update my other diary about Matthew's birthday party. Now I have kind of forgotten the details of my dream, which annoys me! But the baby was a boy. Doesn't that make it quite likely that Beanlet IS a boy? I can't remember, this early on. I know I had boy gender dreams RIGHT before my big scan with Matthew, and sort of knew he was a boy based on those alone (even though that sounds really weird, and also I DID also sort of think he might be a girl while we were actually at the scan waiting to find out!). I can't actually remember with Arthur, but I feel sure I had boy gender dreams with him before the scan. I just can't remember any from early on. Maybe I will search my diary and try to find out?
I ate 3 satsumas last night when Neil got back from the supermarket with them and they were soooooo good! I haven't had a thing for citrus at all with the boys' pregnancies so I thought "Hmmm..." especially considering that the Old Wives Tale says that craving citrus (esp. oranges/orange juice) means girl. But then, it's not actually a craving. They aren't doing much for me today at ALL. And I know several ladies who craved citrus and had boys.
I can't BELIEVE I am letting myself do this "Hmmm" thing over the gender already!!! I really said to myself that I wouldn't. I am anxious about building up a hope or a preference, or an expectation. Before I got pregnant I actually wanted to have another boy, despite having two already and no daughters! I just soooo love having little boys and (excuse my bias!) we just make SUCH scrummy baby boys! :) I know I would be thrilled with another boy, and three little boys close in age are surely as wonderful as two little boys close in age (for each other, I mean) except three is even a bonus over two - more little play mates!
At first when I got pregnant, I was all happy to be neutral. The entry I lost a couple of weeks back had a ton in it about how 100% neutral I felt and how it would be just as joyful whichever way it went with the baby's gender. A win-win situation! :) THAT'S how I want to stay. But sneeeaking up on me are little subtle things like excitement over enjoying 3 satsumas because they just might be a girl craving. And wondering why my pregnant sense of smell only turned up like YESTERDAY instead of at the moment of implantation with the boys. Differences shouldn't excite me if I really don't care what sex the baby is. It makes me sad. I was thrilled to have another boy after Arthur, but even so I still had a rather deflated thing going on during the afternoon after we found out Matthew was a boy. I was happy he was a boy, but at the same time kind of disappointed not to experience being a mummy to a daughter. That all evaporated by the next day and I have spent the entire time since then THANKFUL that he wasn't a girl :) I know it will be the same way if Beanlet is a boy - I will be soooo glad he wasn't a girl, because it will be HIM that I fall in love with. Anything else will just seem wrong!
But I'm anxious. I don't want to set myself up for feeling disappointed if Beanlet is a boy, on the day we find out. I would much rather find out while I'm pregnant than at the birth, if possible, because MUCH more worrying to me is the whole thing about getting those deflated feelings while I'm actually holding my new baby. That would seem soooo wrong, towards the baby at the time. I know people say that you pretty much just fall in love instantly and don't care about the gender, so it's a GOOD way to do it, but I don't trust myself!
I think I probably WILL feel disappointed at the moment we find out, if Beanlet IS a boy. I hate to even admit that. I just hope and pray that those feelings will pass quickly and be easy to deal with. It's crazy because it's not like I have any sort of "thing" whereby I LONG for a daughter or anything! I don't know why I would even have strong feelings about any of my babies' genders, since I always just wanted a bunch of BABIES, not set genders. I just want to have kids. Though, if I'm honest, I did always think I would love to have a bunch of kids sort of evenly mixed as far as the genders go. Like 3 boys and 2 girls. Or 3 of each. Or 2 boys, 2 girls, and then 2 more boys. Or 2 boys, girl, boy, and girl. Not that I've given it ANY thought, of course! ;) Heh.
I just don't WANT to be silly about it. I don't want my silly feelings to influence how I feel for even a nanosecond towards my little one growing inside me. Who cares if it's a boy or a girl!!! It annoys me that for a short while, I might care, and that it might make me either happy or not for that short while. It feels wrong. But I'm not sure if I can do anything about it.
Anyway. I would be so excited if this baby is a girl! Soooooooooooooooooo excited. I don't want to write any more about my feelings about "if it's a girl" because I am worried it will add to the hope/expectation/preference thing that I don't want to get into, and also I will feel soooo daft if Beanlet is a boy, when I write about that and think back to all the waffle I spouted about girl stuff! Haha, I've just rememebered - I referred to Arthur as "she" until 12/13 weeks pregnant with him, SO SURE was I that he was a girl! I mean, it wasn't just an inexperienced hunch. I was absolutely 100% convinced in my gut that he was a girl. I actually wanted to have a boy, which I guess I didn't acknowledge to myself until I found out that's what he was :) Maybe I was protecting myself with the girl thing?
Ugh, I wish I didn't have thoughts and feelings like this complicating things! Anyway. I actually have no hunches as such, about this baby's gender. I do sometimes have a "Hmmm, I think maybe this baby might be a girl..." moment, but for no actual reason, and I am WAY put off trusting any of my own instincts after the first trimester with Arthur! ;) I did know Matthew was a boy, but then the pregnancy was so identical to Arthur's. And we saw maybe-boy-bits at the 12 week scan, just like Arthur's much more obvious bits at his 13 week scan! I am actually nervous to look this time at that scan, because with our boys, we DO seem to see a little something. I am anxious to see a little something which we can't be sure of till months later at the next scan, and get a whole disappointed thing on before time.
The boy dream the other night also made me annoyed, because I woke up feeling kind of deflated. I feel so angry with myself about it!! I wish I WAS just neutral.
Honestly, plainly speaking? I would love to have a girl this time. I am actually thinking I would love to have a girl this time AND next time. And then back to boys again :) Slightly jumping ahead of myself there, since Neil has only okayed 4 kids. NO more. I do plan to be especially seductive and irresistable from about 9 months after the birth of our fourth child, haha! But I have to be serious about it too. It depends how AGAINST any more children he would feel, after four. If he just says no more than four and yet oopsies still happen and he just makes comments at the time of the oopsies, like, "We've gotta be crazy!" (like, well, how it was with the conception of our last two children, haha!) and doesn't get aghast at the prospect, then I plan to become parsniply irresistable, hehe! ;)
I get a clutchy cold thing at my throat when I think that NEXT pregnancy will be my last one. Next pregnancy! That's like, NO time away! I just wanted to fill my adult years with being pregnant and having babies and bringing up little ones! My eldest is only two! I can't believe I'm looking at my last pregnancy next time around already. I hope it won't be. I could honestly keep going till my body says no more. I just pray Neil that will somehow decide to be okay with that! We'll have to see!
Well. If Beanlet is a boy, you KNOW I will be thrilled after the stupid deflated period.
I have been through the entire database at Baby Names World (19,000 names!!!) - well, the ones used in the English language, anyway! It took me over a week to do it, and the site lets you make a list as you go. I put anything on my list that I would consider, even at all. Not just the ones I really like. I wanted a list that was absolute, so there would be no other names ANYWHERE that I would consider outside of this list! I figured it would make the choosing process easier, and Neil would get to see exactly what my preferences were. It's a bit restricting though, since it also means for him that there are NO other names I will consider even if he likes ones that aren't on my list! I think if we really can't decide, I will probably consider others anyway as we'll have to go back to the drawing board. So far, Neil has been enfuriatingly not-on-the-same-page as far as thinking of names in concerned! I know that's just a man thing, but it still drives me crazy!!! I want his opinion on names I like NOW! Darn it! ;) But he's like, "Oh I don't care about that yet! Let me just watch my mindless-violence movie instead. I will let you know what names I like before the big scan." Aaaaaargh! That will SO not do!! Which, of course, I communicated to him and now he has at least allowed me to email my list to him at work so he can look at it when he's bored there :)
My list has 42 girls names and about 30 boys names on it!! But it is ALL exclusive. Wait a minute, do I mean inclusive? My brain is soup lately. Anyway. He brought home a printout of my list with 3 girls names circled and 3 boys names - those are the ones he likes of my vast array of beautiful names! I am not even crazy about the ones he circled. *sigh* I hope it's not going to be horribly difficult to choose a name for Beanlet. It was so easy with the boys! We just knew we loved Arthur for "Bean" (as he was back then!) and Matthew was our back-up name as we loved it sooo much, too. So it was super-easy to name Matthew. We pretty much didn't have to do the whole name-choosing game at all with my second pregnancy. We did do it anyway in case he was a girl, but once we knew he was a boy, he was only ever going to be Matthew.
THIS time, we have already used our two much-loved boy names. So now we have to start from scratch again. We do have some names that were on our shortlist back at Arthur's pregnancy, but they weren't special enough to make the short shortlist (of just those two names!), so they don't seem quite special enough to us now. And Beanlet's name HAS to feel as special to us as Arthur and Matthew! I don't know what to do if nothing feels special enough! GIRL names, however, seem very easy to choose from this time. We found choosing a girl's name hard both my other pregnancies, and we've actually always said that it was because we were expecting boys that it was so hard to choose girl names! When Bennie and Sarah were expecting recently, they told us how easy it had been to decide on a girl's name, and how HARD they were finding it with the boy names. Neil and I said to them, "A-ha! I bet you're having a girl then!" because of our experience! And she was a girl :) So that makes me wonder too. BUT, it could just be as simple as the fact that we've just used the boy names we like, and so it gets harder to find more!
Anyway. This entry is getting waffly, and I'm not sure if I even like some of its content. Pfthth.
I am starting to feel a bit too nauseous again. I think I will finish with some stuff about Beanlet. OH! And I have been lurking at the January due dates forum at FF, and I saw that two ladies there used home dopplers and heard the heartbeat at 8 weeks, 3 days (well, one of them was 8 weeks, 2 days)!!!! Sooooo early! It made me so excited, because I heard both the boys early in week 9, and I totally planned to be even crazier this time and start trying to find it in week 8. I felt silly, because it's GOT to be too early then, but if these other ladies did, then I may be able to as well. That's only TWO WEEKS AWAY!!! How amazing! Even if I don't hear anything, I'm going to start trying crazy early :) I just am. If I can hear Beanlet I will be so thrilled and feel sooo much easier about everything, even though I already DO because I am no longer spotting and I feel sick as a dog.
Okay, stuff about Beanlet! He/she is at the end of Carnegie Stage 13 (finished yesterday!) and began Carnegie Stage 14 today!! I am 31 days past ovulation today. Stage 14 runs from 31-35DPO. Beanlet has little tiny lower limb buds! And the upper ones will start to get a little more exciting at the hand end soon! Beanlet's eye is starting to develop. There's more at the above links. Here's a link to a photo of an embryo at Stage 14 (like the last one I posted here, but it's just easier to link than save the photo, upload it to photobucket, etc, etc) - it's labelled which is helpful: http://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/wwwhuman/Stages/Stage14L.htm.
I think there were some other things I wanted to mention.... But I can't remember them and I feel sick, so I'm going to bed after I force some food down. Oh, but I am hungry in the night lately. It sucks because I am already disturbed enough at night with Matthew still waking a few times to breastfeed! I am managing that fine so long as I can just stay sleepy and zonk back out to sleep as soon as he's done breastfeeding. If I have to breastfeed with horrible hunger cramps, then that is no fun, but it's worse if I have to get up and eat because a) it uses up precious sleeping time! And b) it means I am more awake and it takes me longer to get back to sleep once I'm in bed again. It's so annoying! So I try to make myself eat right before I go to bed. It worked last night!
I am also peeing more at night suddenly. I went last night at 1.30am, and was painfully desperate to wee at 4am! And again at 6am. I have to respond to Matthew first when he wakes, because otherwise he gets really cross about waiting while he's soooo sleepy and wanting to nurse, and that would wake Neil and Arthur. But it's awful to need to wee THAT badly and have to just lie and be serene and breastfeed till Matthew is done! It is worth it for how easily he goes back to sleep, but yow!
Okay, that's it. Will be back as soon as I can! I love updating here when I'm pregnant!! Only nausea to really write about at the moment, but oh well. It will pass. And then I'll be back properly! :)
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