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2007-06-02 - 10.50am��previous entry��next entry
3 weeks, 5 days - nerves....
Hello, hello!!! I'm still pregnant today, so I'm relieved and happy! For some reason I keep thinking it will all just go back to normal any moment now - my temp will drop, my period will arrive and this will all become a faded memory of something weird!
I'm beginning to worry about SILLY things, like, I wanted an April baby so much that maybe this February baby won't stick and then by some quirk of "fate" I'll still end up trying for that April baby. But I desperately want to back-peddle on what I longed for before, because I want THIS baby so much more than the April baby now. I know it doesn't work that way - that a spoken desire for a baby in a certain month does not mean any baby conceived at a DIFFERENT time won't survive. But you know. Early early pregnancy makes me a paranoid crazy hormonal freaky woman ;)
So tired this morning. Matthew woke lots during the night again. I temped at my normal time but I had woken in a huge sweat (FOURTH morning running, actually), which, apart from being really GROSS, also left me feeling surface-chilled. I got a slight dip in temp, back to the flat level again (36.7).
THEN when I got up a bit later, I started to get nervous about the fact that my temps are so flat, and at 12dpo they are STILL not rising. It started to make me anxious about my progesterone levels. I'm part of a TTC while breastfeeding group online, and there are two others there who recently got pregnant. They are all on about their progesterone levels being low because of breastfeeding and how they both went to their doctors and got progesterone to take, to prevent miscarriage. Yikes! In England, you can't walk in to the doctor's and ask for progesterone! They don't even do a blood test when you tell them you're pregnant. There are no betas here. You walk in, say, "I'm pregnant!" and they say, "Congratulations!" and start filling out your booking in forms! They never confirm it, with me, let alone start checking my blood for exact hormone levels and give me a prescription to counter any "off" readings. But now I'm nervous! Because what if low progesterone is the cause of my temps not rising yet? I can't go and get help to fix it, like my US friends at this group.
Also, I noticed this morning that my skin is still feeling normal. By now, even with my chemical pregnancies, my skin was weirdly soft - I even charted it each time. I know that my weirdly soft pregnant skin is a direct result of increased progesterone, so that on top of the things my friends were saying, AND the flat temps, is making me rather nervous that my progesterone is low (AND the spotting, come to think of it - that could be another sign) and my risk of miscarriage is therefore rather high. *quiver*
I just wish my temps would rise. I really do NOT plan to get stressy about what my temps do, but it is hard, and I don't want to stop taking my temperature till 18dpo, because then I'd stress about what it MIGHT be doing in the meantime! I just want to see a nice climby-climb now. By 12dpo, shouldn't that be happening? Maybe I should ask at the FF boards? But nearly everyone there is from the States and I feel like they'll all just tell me to go get some progesterone from my doctor (simple as that!). Hmmm.
Anyway. No spotting at all today. Oh but another thing made me anxious (I know, bear with me, I'm like this early on!) last night - I joined a February 2008 due date board!!! Yay! How exciting!!! But, there was a post about spotting, and several people had replied to it already when I got there. The poster had said she was having some brown spotting and was worried. Everyone was really reassuring, and some said they had the same thing going on. But one lady said not to worry because her obstetritian said that it's fine and normal for implantantion type issues at this stage, and so long as it's just BROWN spotting, not to worry about it. Also another lady said so long as it's just brown and you're not cramping, it's fine. Aaaargh! But I've had pink, and even RED spotting, AND cramping! I know it has essentially cleared up, but I feel rather unstable, like a simple BM would start it all off again (though it didn't last night). So I'm anxious about that. My spotting with the boys was brown. No pink or red. I'm not sure what to think.
But, here's a positive thing! :) I peed on another cheapy internet stick this morning, so as not to waste my precious Clearblue in case I was somehow not remotely pregnant any more (!!), and at first I thought it was not going to have a second line on it! Then sloooowly it appeared. But it looked so faint that I got anxious that it was fainter than yesterday's and thus not good news. Then I used the same pee for the Clearblue test, since my cheapy stick was positive. The Clearblue was lovely and pregnant! :) Here they both are:
I was still nervous that the cheapy stick was fainter than yesterday's and Neil couldn't remember yesterday's well enough either. He just said it did look faint. So I dug around in our horribly messy house and eventually found the test from yesterday. MUCH to my relief, today's test has a significantly STRONGER line than yesterdays, phew! It really makes me see how faint yesterday's positive really was! But I suppose, against no previous positives, yesterday's looked pretty clear to me. Anyway, I took a rather rubbish photo of the two cheapy sticks together (well okay, I'll be honest, fifteen rubbish photos!!), and had to fiddle with the lighting a bit to make it clear enough. Here it is, so you can see! Yesterday's is at the bottom - I wrote 11DPO on the blue bit:
So I'm still pregnant! I'm feeling anxious today about calling myself 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I feel a little safer saying, "I'm 12DPO today..." But that's exciting in itself because yay, my luteal phase does not get to 12DPO normally, and so I must be pregnant! Obviously I AM, but yeah. It still hasn't sunk in properly, I think. I noticed from my pregnancy with Matthew that 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant was Anxious Flappy Time, and I was suddenly very nervous about all the things I'm mentioning today. So it's normal for me. And it will pass. I just hope my Beanlet sticks!
I am a bit crampy this morning, mainly just inside my right hip (but in the period-cramps zone) like a slice through from my front to the small of my back. I hope that's okay. At this stage I tend to get nervous about every little twinge and wish that it would all settle down! Neil pointed out yesterday that there is a long way to go before we reach the "safe zone". The end of the first trimester feels like FOREVER away right now, and anything could happen in between. But I am counting down till I can start using my doppler and looking for Beanlet's heartbeat. That's only 5 weeks away. The heart starts beating just before 6 weeks of pregnancy, but you can't hear it with a doppler till a while beyond that. I heard Arthur at 9 weeks and 3 days, and Matthew at 9 weeks. Both times that was that day I got my doppler in the post so I don't know if I'd have found it earlier. This time I think I'll try from 8.5 weeks or something. If I can find it, it will be sooooo reassuring as far as missed miscarriages are concerned.
Okay, Matthew just woke from his nap and Arthur and Neil are at the park, so I need to go and get my tiny Boo and snuggle him up! Back later, no doubt!
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