Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2007-07-27 - 10:34 p.m.��previous entry��next entry
11 weeks, 4 days - huge-o venty entry (be warned!)
This might end up being a quick entry, as I just hurt with exhaustion tonight, and also, the minute I opened this entry box, my brain went completely blank! There must be a fair amount of stuff to say because I have wanted to update today (and yesterday too) when I got the chance, but I can't think what now! Tsk.
I know one thing is that my ticker says there are now 199 days to go till my due date!! Under the 200 mark, wow! Umm... but that's all I can remember. Maybe if I waffle it will all just come to me?
So Beanlet is still moving about and I feel him/her tapping or squirming several times a day usually - even sitting up now! Which is so lovely! I haven't used the doppler since Monday, I think. My bleeding has almost gone. I have some brown spotting at the moment, that's all. Today (and maybe last night?) is the first time I have noticed my normal CM again. Before today it was just bleeding, like a period. I'm just so glad to have signs that things are returning to normal!
My milk is still there. I did wonder if it wasn't so plentiful in the day, and maybe it's not, but the boys still seem to be getting plenty. For a couple of weeks I have been saying to Neil that I am still making plenty of milk, but that it seems to me like I am only making enough for ONE toddler now, not two. If Matthew nurses and then Arthur wants to, there isn't really much left at all for him, and vice versa. It used to be that one of the boys could take a huge feed from both sides and then my "miracle breasts" (haha!) would seem to somehow provide the same again just 10 minutes later, if the other boy wanted to nurse. At night I definitely have more milk, and first thing in the morning - maybe less in the middle of the day? I don't know. They still gulp for ages as long as they want to, and Matthew seems like he's struggling with the flow a bit at night like he always used to. Not so in the day though. It was the same way last pregnancy though - the daytime milk went first.
One evening recently, after I had put Matthew to bed (and thus thoroughly breastfed him!), I went to put Arthur to bed and we settled down in his bed to nurse. He sucked for a bit and then broke off and said to me, "There's no milky in there! There's no milky for me to drink." Poor lovey! He seemed a little bit put out, but not too bad! It's really handy this time around having a nursling who is old enough to talk fluently, because I can ask him regularly if Mummy's milk tastes different, or if there's any milky left, etc. And he can answer me straight off and be detailed about his replies, so I get a good idea of how my milk is doing as it starts the inevitable drying-up process now that I'm pregnant. Last time he was only Matthew's age so couldn't communicate to me what was going on with the milk. I had to guess from hand expressing, listening to his sounds as he nurses, and what sensation I had left of a let-down. I still feel the milk let down at the moment but not too strongly any more. When I'm not pregnant it HURTS when the milk lets down. Now it only feels like a light pinch.
I ask Arthur quite a lot if there's any milky left, when he's nursing. Sometimes he looks at me and says, "Hmmm, I'm not sure.... Let me just check this one..." and latches on, hehe! Then he nods (whilst nursing) to let me know it's still there :) When he's finished, he says, "Now I'll check THIS one!" ;) I think he quite enjoys being my milky tester, hehe!
Hmmm, what else to say?
It's Friday evening - phew! This has been Neil's first week at his new job. I'm sure this should be in my other diary but this is where I'm spilling this evening so there we go. Maybe I will just put a link to this entry in the next entry I write there? Then if I'm reading back there any time in the future, I can click and fill in the gap with this entry.
Neil's first week has gone well, and he is happy with his new job. His commute is long but not stressful, so that's another good thing for him. It's less stressful than the quick car drive he was making through the absolute rat race of a rush hour through the town centre, for his old job. He just sits on a train for ages.
My week hasn't been easy at all. A few friends from church have really been so lovely and generous and helped me out this week, and I just keep feeling tearful with how sweet they have been when I have so needed it! But the week in general has been so hard. I have not had the help I have needed. Nothing can be done about it, so hey ho.
I guess I need some prayer about it (if you pray) because I'm having some personal issues about it at the moment that I'm not happy with/proud of. It's all so selfish of me and that's why I'm not happy/proud about it.
Sunday I bled more than I ever have before (even during/after giving birth!) in a very short time, and obviously that was super scary considering that I'm pregnant and all. THANKFULLY the baby is okay, and the pregnancy itself is too. The cramping was of some concern to the doctor, along with the bleeding, so she said I MUST rest this week, and to a certain degree next week too. Not like, oh do the best you can with your two small kids and try to rest! But - lie down and REST this week until your pregnancy stabilises again. With good reason, you know?
So, Wednesday and Friday (today) Neil left at 7.15am and arrived home at 7pm. I had bugger all help, and have thus worked my bleeding arse off lifting kids and cooking meals and getting Matthew down from X for the fifty millionth time and stopping Matthew ruining Arthur's game for the 10 thousandth time, etc. And all the other stuff that you have to do in 12 hours with two small children. Except going out - no going out. Which makes for MORE difficulty with the kids, not less for me, as they are climbing the walls due to lack of escape outside. I can't exactly go for a walk and push the pushchair. I am not even supposed to be walking around doing stuff.
It just really gets to me that, HELLO? I'm in the middle of a threatened miscarriage, you know, with loss of blood and all that? I just feel so LET DOWN that I'm having no choice but to battle on anyway despite the doctor's orders. Surely someone could have helped me so that I just didn't have to DO stuff that would potentially put things at risk? Isn't it important enough?
Now, I know I am being over the top about it and need to pull myself together a bit. With a bleed like I had, I am just SO blessed that everything is so well inside me. The baby is fine, and the only sign of a potential cause is my placenta touching my cervix. My cramps are finally all but gone, and my bleeding is nearly finished too. I had a few VERY exhausted and lightheaded days, but I have noticed that I have been feeling stronger since then, almost back to normal even. Pregnantly exhausted, but normal all the same. It isn't really the same situation as someone who is on the brink of potentially losing their baby - like if they did what I did this week, their pregnancy would already be over with. I am blessed that I haven't had to have that fear over me. But I AM anxious about having another big bleed, which apparently COULD threaten the pregnancy, given how much I cramped up the last time. Maybe it had nothing to do with it, but the bleeding started when I was at an absolute end-of-my-rope stretch, physically and emotionally. I was just exhausted, terribly anxious about Neil having just started throwing up with the stupid tummy bug, and up earlier than normal, running around trying to do more things than my body was telling me it could manage. I literally just started bleeding after a straight 10 minutes of feeling like I couldn't keep going for another second. So yeah, that makes me anxious.
Aside from anything else, I have also had to recover from bleeding that much, and from the scare of it. My GP thought maybe it could be shock (the lightheadedness and exhaustion, etc) if it wasn't anaemia. I got my blood test results and my haemoglobin is 12.5, so I'm not anaemic in the least. My baseline is thankfully high, so if I DO bleed, I have a long way to fall before becoming anaemic. My pregnancy norm is 13. something, so I guess it must have dropped some with the bleed. But NOT anaemic. So maybe shock? I feel silly considering that option, but anyway. It's what the doctor thought, so... I feel a lot better from that now anyway.
So. I cannot do a 12 hour day with an early start (6.45am), with just me and the boys. I. CAN'T. DO IT. I say as much in an anxious flap before bed, and then again in the morning. But nobody comes and Neil buggers off to sit and snooze on his train and enjoy a 3-hour lunch break with pizza and football at the park (a special thing at work today) and then luxuriate in the workplace shower afterwards.
This is what I need prayer about. I seem to feel so much resentment towards Neil, when a) it's TOTALLY unfair to have that attitude towards him, and b) he isn't remotely to blame because he can't possibly help me anyway. It's his FIRST darn week at a new job, and it happens to be a long way away. It's a GOOD thing, for him, for us. I don't know what I even expected him to do - he can't possibly even ASK for time out on his first week, let alone take some! He didn't ask, or mention the situation at home. It just didn't seem right to.
So it's NOT RIGHT that I feel resentful towards him, but it's sitting there like a huge ugly lump and I can't mind-over-matter change the way I feel. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame? I don't know. I just know I need HELP, desperately, with the kids at the moment so that I can get some (not enough, but just SOME would be good) rest. So, help in a parenting sense maybe? And I guess the only parents here are me, and Neil. Maybe that's why I'm stupidly putting all the resentment onto Neil, since he's the other parent and not helping at all in the day when I really need it (because he can't, being at work).
Ugh, it's awful of me. I am trying to shift it and pull myself together, but so far I'm not remotely succeeding, and in fact, each day that passes I get more irritable towards him and find fault with the tiniest things. I feel angry in all directions, irrationally really. People at church (3 of them) have been so loving and helpful, and given of their time and energy to help me. But selfish me is still fuming that, given the seriousness of the situation just a few days ago and the fact that the church knows about it, WHY has the church not come running to help me so that I can follow the doctor's orders and get some actual off-my-feet rest for a week? Part of it is that it's the school holidays and people are away. And another (large) part - something else I'm also highly pissed off about - is that we are just ILL all the darn time while all this is going on. People do not want to catch germs from us, which is perfectly reasonable and understandable. Some people have very good reasons not to come near us, because they have elderly relatives, etc. My own grandparents offered to come (despite being too frail really, to do things like lift the boys, or keep them occupied for more than an hour or so at a time), but I wouldn't let them because I can't risk them getting a cold from us. Yes, we have Lilian's cold. Matthew got it mildly, as is his thing, but Arthur is streaming today. Neil has had a sore throat for 3 days but feels he's fighting it off. Of course, he will now come down with it like a tonne weight fell on him because it's weekend and thus my only chance to actually have a rest.
Ugh, I'm sorry I'm in such a horrible mood about it all.
I'm just pissed off that I have had such a frightening time and heavy bleeding, without my husband by my side in the hospital like I needed, because he was busy being sick with some annoyingly stupid bug that wouldn't leave our family alone. And then next day, all better! Work's the priority! I KNOW I'm being unreasonable. I'm just venting unreasonable stuff.
I mean, I felt today like if I got so exhausted that I actually PASSED OUT, or heck, started bleeding again, there would still actually be nobody I could turn to. How much does that suck? Neil's at work (a couple of hours door to door), my parents are in FRANCE, everybody family-wise are working. Or else we're too germy to risk them coming. I just feel so angry that nobody is HELPING ME. How much more serious do I have to BE about needing help for someone to actually help me?!
If I was at the other end of my pregnancy and on bedrest for preterm labour, say, then wouldn�t people HAVE to help me, by hook or by crook?! I mean, in that situation, if you DON�T rest then you could literally end up giving birth that same day as a result, and then the baby could have serious complications and risks to its life. So surely if that happened, people would make sure you did not get up at all, let alone do a ton of things. Your every waking hour would be covered by help in order to make that happen, surely? I KNOW it�s not the same thing at all. But why should a risk to my baby which could be prevented by REST, be any different in terms of people�s responses, just because it�s early in the pregnancy? It just gets to me, that�s all.
I wrote a list when I knew I would be doing whole days without any help, of things that I needed to have ready beforehand, to make the day a little more manageable. Things like, all clothes and nappy changes for the boys laid out ready so I only had to reach out and grab something. At the moment, the clean laundry is in a HUGE tangled mountain on the kitchen floor where it has been hastily pulled out of the dryer. Many loads-worth. It�s hard to sort through it to find something simple like a vest or a nappy. Or heck, even a wipe or two! And meals � sandwiches for the boys� lunch ready the night before, or something. Another thing that I only have to grab and set on the table. Meals have been one of the biggest challenges for me, physically, this week. I�m not even sure why. When I HAVE had help, I have asked for particular help with meals because I am finding it hard to handle. I am super nauseous this week (especially today and yesterday) but it�s not that � it�s more to do with wading through the horrible mess in the kitchen, cleaning the table and highchair, and lifting the boys over the gate that stops Matthew getting in the kitchen (it�s fixed, not openable), rushing around getting their food sorted, not being able to eat myself between all the stuff I�m sorting for them, and then cleaning them off and lifting them back down again. It�s simple stuff but something I�m finding SO hard this week. Nappy changes are not really a problem, unless I can�t find the nappy stuff I need and thus have to spend ten minutes wading through the washing pile. Also there were things on the list like make sure the dishwasher is run the night before so that I have plates and cutlery for the meals the next day, etc. Just stuff to make it as manageable as possible.
It bugs me so much that Neil laid out nappies and clothes on the first day but nothing else. He got tired and went to bed. Then he had no time in the morning to do any more of the stuff. The next time he put out a couple of nappies and that was it. I KNOW he�s got enough on his own plate. He needs sleep because he is going to a new job each day. But it just upsets me. I�m KNACKERED all the time because of all the aforementioned reasons. I can�t manage the day on my own even WITH the things on the list made ready for me. I personally feel like it was important enough to get the things done even if it was hard to do it. It ended up being MUCH harder for me to have to deal without those things being done, than it probably was for Neil to have stayed up and got a bit more tired doing them. I didn�t make the list for ME to do. I am not even supposed to be doing any of the other stuff I do all day, let alone making my own preparations for another day of the same!
Also upsetting were a couple of little tiny silly things that I am sure I�m blowing waaaay out of proportion, but still. On Wednesday evening when Neil got home the boys were with our friends Gordon and Katie for an hour or two (wonderful friends!!!), and Neil set about tidying up as fast as he could while I rested on the sofa. After about 10 minutes Neil said he wanted to video something later and asked me to grab the blank video and put it in the machine, and check what was on it. I feel stupid even writing it. And then the next evening he was changing Matthew�s nappy for bed and Matthew was writhing about not keeping still, and Neil got all eye-rolly with me and snapped at me to come and help him. I know it�s another tiiiny thing. I was resting on the sofa (again less than 10 mins for the whole DAY thus far). Both occasions just gave me the distinct impression that Neil isn�t really taking seriously my need for rest. The contrast is really noticeable when the friends from church come in to help me. They wince at me attempting to pick Matthew up and say I shouldn�t do it. They constantly tell me I should sit down or not do this or that. They say, �Oh! Let me!� all the time. Neil doesn�t do that at all, and he just doesn�t give any sort of vibe of concern about my situation at all. I have to ask him for anything and everything. When Matthew is ready for bed, he�ll say, �You can take Matthew upstairs now.� And then I�ll have to say, �Oh, actually, can you carry him up for me?� and feel awkward or guilty about it. If it doesn�t even occur to him to be precious with me about things like me lifting or carrying the boys, that really tells me that he doesn�t have the mindset of concern for me. And I feel REALLY really sad about that, and bitter and angry.
Yesterday, bitter angry me wrote a small list of a few urgent things that needed doing. Yes, I know it sucks that Neil works all day, is out for so long, and then gets home to a fairly useless wife and a list of chores. Ordinarily that would SUCK, but this is a week for pushing yourself I think, to meet needs. *I* have had to. Anyway, so there were DOZENS of pooed-in nappies festering in the buckets (really, dozens, I kid you not). The fridge was crammed with OLD food and somebody was going to do some shopping for us the next day. There was some damp/wet stuff in front of the washing machine that was literally mouldering. And a couple of other urgent things like that. They HAD to be done, and no, I was not about to do them. I was/am past caring if that is attitudey. I had already done like 50 times more than I should have done that day. So I made a list. It was easier than sounding naggy when Neil got home. I put a couple of sections on the lists, �need doing� and �urgent� and listed the things accordingly. Then, something that has increasingly been pissing me off all week � upstairs in the bathroom are three bowls with SICK in them (dry now, of course) and tissues. One was Arthur�s, two were Neil�s. Arthur threw up TWO WEEKS ago, and Neil 5 days ago. Every day or near enough, I have been nicely asking Neil to please clean and disinfect the sick bowls. It�s embarrassing (if people come to help and need to go up to the bathroom), and also just plain DISGUSTING AND UNACCEPTABLE!!! I mean, come on! *sigh* Even if I was fighting fit and doing household chores, I would not be cleaning those sick bowls, because a) I�m the only one who has not had that bug, and somebody who HAS had it would be the more obvious person to deal with the infected stuff, and b) can you say �emitophobia�?
So, I was too bitter and twisted when I wrote the list, I know it. I made a third section under �need doing� and �urgent�, titled, �for the love of God� and then I listed �CLEAN THE SICK BOWLS!� under it. At the time it felt vaguely sense-of-humour-ish, but ugh, I know it was inappropriate. I should have used a much more sensitive way of asking for that to be done urgently. Anyway. Neil took HUGE offense and we had a big argument. But in that argument I discovered again that he seemed to think I could have (and could still) done the job myself. Which tells me he doesn�t think of me as needing to rest like the doctor said I should. I can�t understand why he has come to the conclusion in his mind that I am okay and nothing is out of the ordinary and I don�t really need to rest. It doesn�t make sense. But it really upsets me because it makes me feel unsupported, emotionally, as well as physically. I feel like everybody else is treating me with more care than Neil is, and I don�t know why he isn�t. It�s not like Neil at all. I haven�t talked to him about it because the argument about the sick bowls had me shaking like a leaf for like 20 minutes, and I felt so sick and exhausted from it. I was anxious afterwards because I felt so incredibly stressed by the argument, way out of proportion to the actual argument itself. I do tend to get over-stressed more easily when I�m pregnant. Which Neil knows. And thus it hurts me more that he knows it and is happy to argue with me anyway, saying all sorts of stressful or hurtful things, when it can NOT be good for me or the baby to do so. Anyway, I am worried that if I talk to him about it, we�ll just argue again, and I don�t want that, for the reasons I just mentioned. So.
Anyway. He did clean the sick bowls very grumpily, right away. But I was putting pooey nappies in plastic bags today as the buckets were still full this morning. He�s done them now though. He does SUCH a lot of stuff to help out. I feel ROTTEN complaining. But it�s not so much the �stuff� that I�m whining about right now, more the things I feel hurt about, the little things that he probably doesn�t even notice he�s doing/not doing. They speak volumes to me about the underlying attitude and that is what upsets me and builds resentment, I guess. So, I need prayer to be nice and lose the chip on my shoulder and all that stuff. Bitterness and resentment is not appropriate between a husband and wife. It needs to go. I can�t seem to shift it, so I know I need God�s help.
I have done my long days with the little ones on my own and I'm still here and the boys are fed, clothed and not sleep deprived. And Beanlet is still there, and my bleeding is slowing. So, I should be able to shake the week off and say thank you to God for giving me what I needed to make it through, and just say PHEW! I made it! That's alright then! But I can't find that place right now. I hate being so negative, but I'm struggling to find a way to feel any different about it all at the moment. I keep trying the "bigger picture" thing where I actually go out of my way to read online about people in MUCH worse situations - THAT should give me the kick up the bum that I need. But it's not. Even still, it's not. So I don't know how to get past it. And thus the request for prayer.
Okay, let's talk about the POSITIVES this week - the help I DID get! It really did make a difference, even just little bits of help. I am SO grateful to those who have been so kind as to give their time and energy to help me! Lilian was a WONDER, and I felt so tearful when she left on Tuesday evening, because suddenly I didn't know how I would manage without her at ALL. She just was a tower of strength while I was bleeding, and my co-parent while Neil was ill, and I didn't even realise how much so until she left.
On Wednesday, Rosemary (Neil's other sister) had offered to come over for a few hours to watch the kids (and bring her own - Ella, who just turned 2). So lovely of her!! But then Ella got a sore throat and a cough the day before, and when Rosemary asked about it, we decided to say that they shouldn�t come. I NEEDED the help, but we both felt that we really did not need any more illness at the moment. Ironically, Matthew was full of cold the very next day. *sigh* So Wednesday was almost completely on my own, except for something lovely that happened late in the day! Neil phoned home in the afternoon to say he thought he would have to attend an EVENING function in London, going straight from work. And then right after that, my friend (from church) Katie phoned, to see how I was doing, and also to apologise (for some reason!) for not being able to help. She has two kids the same ages as mine (well, Josh is 3 now, so almost the same) and they are about to move house so she has well enough on her plate. I never for a second expected her to help out! But anyway, somewhere in her apologies � bless her! � she said they were all eating at her mum�s (a few roads away from me) that evening, and perhaps there would be leftovers. She said she could bring them round, and when she heard that Neil might not be home she was horrified for me and said maybe there was a way she could put her kids to bed and then come and help me put mine to bed. She was just SO lovely. Anyway, then she went, after saying she�d let me know about the leftovers (we didn�t have any food so I didn�t really know what to make for the boys, let alone Neil and I!). Then she called back 5 minutes later to say she had thought that dinner was spaghetti bolognese, and she and her mum could eat pasta sauce from a jar, because then the boys and I could have spag bol. She said they didn�t mind the veggie option and she thought I needed the red meat after all that had happened. HOW sweet is that? See, why isn�t Neil treating me like that this week?
Anyway, in the end she called back with an Even Better Idea, bless her heart! She had to check with her mum first, but she thought that her mum could come and pick the boys up and take them back to her house. They could have dinner with Katie�s family and her kids, and then they could bathe them with their kids and bring them back dressed in sleepsuits and night nappies, ready for bed! AND bring me leftover spaghetti bolognese to eat! I was so touched by what they were going to do for me and the boys that I just got quite tearful when I put the phone down. It just bowled me over.
Anyway, at 5.45pm, Katie�s mum came. She put the boys� shoes on and I handed her their night things and their sippy cups. Then she put them in her grandchildren�s car seats and I waved them off. Arthur was thrilled and not remotely bothered to be driven away from me! Matthew clung to the edges of the car seat and stared at me through the window with wide, uncertain eyes. The last thing I saw as the car pulled away was his wiiiide eyes as he craned his neck to see me over the back of the seat. I came into the house and cried and sobbed for AGES. I just felt like my babies were GONE! Somebody took them away! Matthew might even be crying about it by now. I couldn�t even get them fed and bathed, so somebody had to take the away to do it. Etc. I know, I know, crazy hormones. I knew it was irrational, but urgh I just felt so overcome. It bothered me that I couldn�t rest or recharge at all, which was the whole point of their extreme generosity, because I was crying for such an age in such an exhausting way. BUT then I remembered how much I had needed to cry earlier in the week, and how this was my first actual chance to do so. And I realised that was probably what it was about, so I let it happen. When it finally went away, I phoned my mum and talked to her while I lay on the sofa.
Gordon and Katie drove my sweet little boys home in their car, while Katie�s mum put their kids to bed at her house. They didn�t get here till almost 8pm, over an hour after I started wringing my hands and wistfully wondering aloud, �Where are my little boys?!� *sigh* I just don�t know how to be apart from them. I LOVE the break. But I need them close to me. When they got home I watched Gordon lift Arthur out of the car in his sleepsuit with as much love and care as his own son. He set him down in the house and went to fetch Matthew out. My heart just melted as I watched my lovely fluffy-haired boy in his little blue sleepsuit, being lifted out of the car with such tenderness. Katie brought me a tray with LOTS of food on it, pasta and bolognese sauce, and veg and some fruit too. They wouldn�t let me take Matthew into my arms at the door � they said, �No, don�t lift him Alice!� and seemed nervous about me doing so. Such a contrast to Neil at the moment :( Then they came in and asked to pray for me. They sat with me at the sofa and prayed aloud for me and for the baby. The boys crawled around playing, and when Matthew squealed, Arthur would whisper to him, �Shhh! Gordon�s praying to God!� hehe! I just felt sooooo full of joy at what they had done/were doing for me. It felt so special. They were treating me so special. It was like balm to a wound, somewhere inside. But now, after, I feel sad � again because of the contrast with Neil. I was just beaming all the way through eating the spaghetti bolognese that they brought too. Every part of what they did for me was just such a HUGE gift, and such a blessing. I can�t believe they were still apologising that they couldn�t do more! I feel so sad to be moving away from such lovely friends.
On Thursday a lady from church and her 16-year-old daughter (who likes working with little ones) came over for a couple of hours. I asked if they could time it for the boys� lunchtime, because that is a hurdle for me. We had also run out of food and stuff, so they did some shopping for us with their weekly shopping in the morning before they came! We needed SO much stuff, having run out of everything, that I only gave them half the list. I knew Sue had offered to get us some shopping on Friday so I thought it would be better to split the list between them. They came round, unpacked the shopping, and made sandwiches for the boys and me! They ate packed lunches that they brought with them, and then after lunch they did playdough with Arthur at the table for a while, and I did stuff with Matthew in the other room. I took Matthew up to settle him for his nap, which took ages, and they watched Arthur for me while I did that. Then when Matthew was asleep, they left, and I took Arthur up to bed. I didn�t get to actually sit and rest, but it was still soooo helpful to have extra hands and especially to do the lunch and lift the boys. Sarah also did some washing up, and emptied the dishwasher and put a wash load on that I had sorted ready. It was so nice of her!
On Friday (today), Sue had arranged to come round for a few hours in the morning, but she can�t because we�re coldy now. She lives with her elderly mother so she really can�t afford to get a cold from us. But she did go shopping for us! She even went to the chemist and got refills for our Karvol plug (a marvellous invention, by the way!). She brought the bags to the door and offered to take away some washing to do � so sweet of her!
And now it�s weekend. So you see, I really have LITTLE to complain about. I am ashamed to have written all the ugly details of my bitter irrational-ness. But I needed to write it ALL for those who will pray for me about it. You guys need to know the worst of it. My issue seems to be mainly with Neil, and I don�t like it. This weekend he had made an appt to go to the London passport office and get Matthew a passport, and renew his own � fast track. It was an early morning appt on Saturday, so it would have meant an early start for me and more time without help. But my parents suggested to us that I take the boys and go to France to stay with them for a while. Then they could help out lots with the little ones, and cook for me. And Neil would go to work as normal and work on the house while he�s not at work. And maybe come to France at the weekends. If I could BEAM myself and the boys there, I would be there already, like a shot! But the journey is a hassle. It�s long and difficult with little ones, which is why we don�t go to France any more at the moment. But if we could just GET there, it would be a wonderful solution. I would be nervous about bleeding whilst there, but that�s not really a reason not to go. They have hospitals. We�re a bit out in the country there, but still accessible. I couldn�t travel on my own with the boys though, so Neil would have to come with us on our outward journey. His passport expired and Matthew never had one (slipped our notice!) so Neil was going to fast-track it by going to the London passport office. But, in the end, we actually don�t have a good window to go. I have a scan coming up, and the passports would take till then to arrive. And then 2 weeks later I have a midwife appt. Just before that, my parents are going away for a long weekend. So the earliest I could really go with the boys would be after my midwife appt on August 21st. Which is ages away! So Neil cancelled the passport appt tonight, which is good.
We have someone coming to value our property tomorrow, and Neil is in a state about how awful the house looks. Not that it makes a difference to the VALUE of the property, but hey. He was talking about getting a couple of hours to put things in the loft upstairs tomorrow, before this guy comes round. And again, I thought, �So, I�ll be resting HOW, while you do that?� He really doesn�t seem to see me as needing to rest at all. And it hurts me that to him, boxes getting put in the loft for the estate agent bloke is more important than me getting the rest I need. I mean, let's weigh it up - who is more important to Neil? Bleeding pregnant wife.... Bloke we don't even know.... Bleeding pregnant wife.... Bloke we don't know.... Hmmm, it's a tough one.
Ugh. Sorry for the over-sarcasm. I�m afraid I have told him straight that I will be resting this weekend like I was meant to all week. I said he�s fine to do the things upstairs, so long as he can also be 100% responsible for watching the boys at the same time (obviously not a possibility) � sort of to get the message across. I said that I would either be on my bum or lying down this weekend at all times, and that I would happily interact with the children and breastfeed them as normal on demand, etc. But that�s IT. I am RESTING this weekend, darn it. There isn�t the greatest air between us this evening, unsurprisingly. Neil has watched TV while I have been writing this, and now it�s CRAZY late so I am going to bed. I really needed to purge myself of all this, even staying up to do so. Anyway. If I asked Neil if something was up, he said no. I guess if I pressed it (which I did for a while, but then gave it up), he would probably just say (and maybe even think) that he was just tired. But I don�t know. There�s a bit of an air. I reeeeeally don�t want to cause (or be part of) a big unpleasant THING. So I need to fix how I�m feeling. Please pray for me! This whole entry should really be in my other diary, but oh well. It�s so related to my pregnancy right now, so here it shall stay. It has so much stuff that I normally write in my arthursmummy diary that I think I will link to it as a sort of entry that I wrote elsewhere, at my other diary.
Okay, there�s sure to be more stuff about my pregnancy, but it�s tooooo late and I�m going to bed. Oh but I�m 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant! Only THREE DAYS to go till my second trimester starts!!!!!!! Can you believe that?! I�m so excited � it has crept up on me so fast! Yay for only 3 days left of the scary/queasy first trimester :) Of course it will still be scary after 12 weeks for a bit, and I will likely feel this sick for a while yet. But yay all the same!!! :)
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25