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2007-07-30 - 4.01pm��previous entry��next entry
12 weeks! Second trimester!
Boys are napping so just a quick entry.
I didn't want to miss writing today to say that I'm 12 weeks and officially in my 2nd trimester! I'm so happy to have the first trimester behind me, and so excited about everything to come in the second trimester.
Haven't felt Beanlet move so much these last few days, but I feel him/her now, lying on the hard floor on my stomach with the laptop. I listened with the doppler last night and everything sounded fine and dandy in there - lots of strong bumps and disappearing/reappearing heartbeats!
I had a dream last night that I was having triplets - identical twins and a singleton. Weirdly, it did not freak me out in the dream, but then I was only 12 weeks yet.
I think we've decided on a boy's name.
The weekend was good. I got some rest in the day time which was really good. My bleeding has completely stopped - even the brown spotting is gone. I'm so relieved.
I WISH I never wrote the last entry, or at least, not the ranty stuff. Call me naive, but I honestly did not expect to get alllll those responses. Well, not such huge analytical or challenging responses. I can see that none of them were written with malice or anything, but some of them upset me all the same. I AM grateful for people taking the time and effort to send me love and support over things in my guestbook. But I guess there is some of the stuff that was written which I feel was unnecessary, unhelpful, and maybe even insensitive. Even if it's the truth. I do not need to hear home truths right now. I'm sure I'll bug some people with this paragraph, but oh well. I'm tired of stressing and I don't want extra stress, however well meant.
This week I have no help scheduled - the boys are still snotty and coldy. Neil is at his new job all week (as in, no training days in London this week). But you know what? I am more... resigned?... to it this week, and less scared about bleeding now that the last of it has stopped and I am past the first week. And most definitely not inclined to discuss it here again, if I do feel desperate about needing help.
Neil and I did discuss some stuff at the weekend - and also had an argument about some stuff, well, some of the stuff I mentioned last entry. Neil apparently can't cope with my hormones, and thus washes his hands of it and says no more kids after this one. I have a ton I would love to say on that here, but after the responses to last entry I am going to have to censor that. Which I'm really peeved about, but there you go. I'm sure a ton of you think, "Thank God for that, finally someone's making her stop at three!"
Whatever.
Today I am exhausted and nauseous. I am eating meals as normally as I can, but I don't think it's low blood sugar. I come over faint and lie on the kitchen floor while the boys eat, and I just tell them Mummy is feeling tired, but actually I'm feeling pretty scared. It does pass, but I am pretty much faint and shaky for the best part of the morning. If I exert myself even slightly during the morning (esp. early on), then I come over faint or else break out in a cold sweat, or my arms feel too sore and shaky to hold Matthew. Maybe it's that I'm really NOT a morning person, on top of the pregnancy knackeredness?
I am also feeling kind of depressed these last couple of days, and today I am just crying randomly a lot, which is NOT like me at all. The boys haven't noticed, which for some reason I am really relieved about. I cry in the kitchen getting them a drink and then try to pull myself together to go back in the living room and hand them to the boys. Or when I'm waiting for Matthew to fall asleep for a nap upstairs.
I did talk to my mum for over an hour today on the phone while the boys alternately played and pulled the house apart a bit! She made me feel somewhat better about things, which she is always good at doing.
I have a lot on my plate. Please don't judge me or presume you know how it feels unless you have also been where I'm standing. I am BLESSED and a lot of wonderful stuff is happening for me right now, but the hard stuff is pretty intense and a LOT of stressful things are coming together all at one time for me at the moment. It's really helpful when I'm at the absolute limit of what I can cope with and then to get the distinct impression that I'm doing crap at looking after my kids and I'm nuts for having another, since I will clearly be more crap once there are three to juggle.
Yes, I'm bitter. I need to deal with it. I want to write happy normal stuff here. I don't want to come here and debate about my life.
Okay, Matthew is awake and crying, and Arthur has done a poo, so I have to go. I will be back with a normal entry soon, hopefully. I hope I didn't offend people, though I guess I might have. I'm grateful for guestbook messages, I can't deal with ones that aren't 100% loving and upbeat and supportive right now, and I have nothing left with which to try to respond in just the "right" way and be all nice and that, not right now. I hope people can understand that, because I hate annoying people. And I'm crabby and pregnant and stressed - all with good reason - and yes I'm not really coping at the moment, but my mum says I should NOT feel bad about that, nor let it be a what-d'you-call-it on my marriage, mothering abilities, etc.
And I guess that is all. Please don't leave a message if any of this makes you want to write anything kind of defensive or whatnot. I am not up to reading it. Thank you.
And Arthur thinks I have a baby girl in my tummy, but I don't think he actually has a preference! Okay, def going now - Matthew seems to have dozed back off but that pooey nappy needs my attention! :)
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