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2005-09-27 - 10.25pm��previous entry��next entry
3 weeks, 6 days - still going!
I'm still pregnant! I will finally be FOUR whole weeks pregnant tomorrow, haha! It feels like it has taken forever to get to four weeks, from when I first found out, and I only found out at 3w3d! I'm silly.
I peed on another cheapie stick yesterday and got a slightly darker BFP. Only verrrry slightly though. Today I didn't test. Tomorrow morning I plan to test with my last stick. I hope it's darker. I guess if I get nervous after that then I'll have to spend money on tests or something! *sigh*
Let's see. I am tired out. Crampy as anything. Hungry, although not actually "hungry". I just feel like my stomach is queasy and empty, and wants filling. So I put something in it, which doesn't feel good. Then it just feels bleurghy and like it didn't really get any food, so it feels queasy and empty again. If I eat a full meal, I feel bloated and yucky and queasy. I don't know if this is morning sickness for me. I feel like it would be very naive of me to say that, since REAL morning sickness could sweep in and kick my butt in a week or two, and then I would feel really silly for having wondered if this mild queasy thing is morning sickness!
I felt gross this morning when I got up. I didn't want to eat anything at all, but I made toast and got through the first slice, before I gave up and took a shower. After the shower I still felt yucky but I ate my other piece of toast, and after that I suddenly felt fine! :) So that's good. I felt pretty good the rest of the morning. I snacked every 2 hours ish, and drank fruit juice, etc. Lunch had garlic in and the smell made me feel really ewwy and queasy, but I managed to eat it all the same. I felt kind of like it was still in my throat for a while afterwards though. I couldn't finish lunch today or yesterday. Snacks seem to be suiting me better at the moment. This evening I have felt more queasy again, but not too bad though. In a way I hope it's not morning sickness, because it feels awfully early for it - although I know lots of women have it this early. But on the other hand, I sort of hope it IS morning sickness, if this is as bad as it gets. I hope it IS as bad as it will get. I am really not looking forward to feeling the way I did with Arthur, urgh. I felt sick as a dog, so bad that I could barely eat, from 5w6d (from the evening onwards) till around 18 weeks, all day long. Nights were a blessed relief however :) And at least I wasn't actually sick. I hope I won't be this time either.
My nose is very clever. It is still smelling things really clearly. My back aches a lot. I know I will probably get SPD soon enough, as I had it quite badly last time and my osteopath says I am very likely to have it the same this time :( I hope it stays away as long as possible!
This is sounding wayyyy too moany.
The main thing on my mind at the moment is that I seem really scared that this pregnancy is not going to stick. I don't know why, but I just am. I barely believe I AM pregnant, it just seems too.... unlikely. Surreal. Something. I don't want to think of names or antenatal appointments because it feels like I can't even see myself getting that far along, so getting attached by doing those things would be a bad idea. I have a pregnant friend online whose ticker says 7w5d, and I couldn't imagine being 7w5d pregnant with this baby. Like I wonder if it will even happen. So I set that as a mental marker in my mind. At 7w5d, I wonder what I'll be doing, how I'll be feeling. What my situation will be. Will I still be pregnant? Will I have morning sickness big time? Will I feel differently about the pregnancy, safer and more confident? Whatever is happening on the day I am 7w5d, I hope I remember today and think of how I'm feeling now. I hope it will be reassuring when I'm there.
I am scared about the fact that I have doubts about this pregnancy. I don't know why I do. Not DOUBTS as such, just like I'm not confident that it's going to stick. Which IS doubt then, isn't it? Maybe I'm just being normal and nervous. But I keep on reading when people have miscarriages, they soooo often say, "Somehow I knew from the start that something wasn't right." What if that's what this is? Is this feeling going to find me saying that same line a few weeks from now? The very thought makes me feel nervous and trapped, like maybe I am getting some weird insight into what's coming, and there's nothing I can do about it. Like it's a train coming towards me and I can only sit and wait for it to hit.
Urgh. Sorry to write that. But I am nervous. Somebody put me out of my misery. Either confirm for me that yeah, you felt this way and miscarried, or that you felt this way and didn't. Or something. I feel like I just need a panel of 1000 people who have experienced this feeling to tell me what the outcome of their pregnancy was. Then if the results look good, I can relax a little. Maybe. But then I'd worry that I hadn't clearly explained exactly how I'm feeling, so they might THINK they felt the same way but really they didn't, and so the panel would be flawed, and thus the results also. I need to stop this train of thought, don't I?
I told someone at the mother-and-baby group this morning!!! Yay! Another mum asked me if we were settled where we are, and I explained about Neil's job and how we might have to move away within a month (!!) if he gets it (he finds out this week). She said what an upheaval it was, and asked how I felt about it. I said I felt okay about it. She said it sounded like a lot of new changes at once, and then I said, "Hmmm, yes, and I just found out I am pregnant again!" ;) It was nice to tell someone, even this early. If I miscarry then I will simply say I did. I wouldn't tell people at this stage who would not be supportive and loving if it all went wrong later. Anyway she said congratulations. Her first two boys are 19 months apart. I have known them since the first one was born, so I have seen their kids grow up and I love the relationship her boys have together. They are such close friends. They are 9 and 8 now. I referred to that family when Neil and I realised I was pregnant and figured out the age gap. We both felt great thinking our little ones would have the age gap that this family's two boys have, since they are so close.
I did ask Neil about names this evening. Right away he started suggesting girl names! So far we haven't looked into it that much, but we went through the baby books with a fine toothed comb last time, and wrote out a big list of all of them that we liked, boy list and girl list. So that makes it a little easier this time, since we just refer to those lists again. I love how Arthur's name is there on the boy list :) We used it and here he is!! Aww :) Of course there may be names that would now appeal to us that didn't back then, so it's worth going through the books again. I have been from A to D tonight and didn't find a single thing I liked that wasn't already on the list. So I'm not sure we'll find anything new. The list is pretty big though, maybe 20 names? Lots of them are not names we'd consider any more though. LOTS of them. So that leaves us with 3 girls names and two boys names at the moment, that we like and would consider (from the lists). One of the girls names is nearly the exact same name that a friend of mine just called her second baby, so we might not use that one. It might seem a bit like we did it on purpose, since she's the same friend who planned to call her first baby Arthur if it was a boy, but it was a girl. And then I used Arthur, knowing she liked it (but not BECAUSE she liked it). And now I have had a nasty case of cold shoulder since I told her he was a boy at the 22 week scan. So yeah. I don't want to make that even worse by using a very very similar name to the one she just used for her second baby. She used to read here but I am certain she doesn't any more (hence my writing about it).
We had Ella on our girl list! But my little niece is Ella now, so that's off. I like two girls names in particular, and two boys names. I don't know if we'd use them or not in the end, but they are nice names, they go really well with our surname, and they sound good with "Arthur and...". One of the boys names is a back-up from last pregnancy, but the girls names are new. I liked Georgia for a girl last time, but I don't know about it now that I have seen Arthur and wonder if another baby might look similar to him. If he was a girl I don't think he would suit Georgia at all. Anyway, that is all I'm saying on names! I will do the same as last pregnancy, keep names a secret till we know if it's a boy or a girl, or near enough! I hope we find out at the 20 week scan.
See, now I am talking like it's all going to be fine. Maybe I'm just being silly?
It's all just soooooooo surreal. I am 13 days past ovulation today. I still keep thinking, "Ohhh surely not! I'm sure I'll just get my period any time now, and I was never pregnant in the first place!" And then I remember the tests with two lines scattered all over the computer desk, and go, "Oh yeah..." But then five minutes later I go through the same thought process again.
I have pregnancy brain. Wow that didn't take long to kick in! My words are coming out like gobbledy-gook all day long. I remember the starting letter for a word and then the rest of it comes out as the wrong word! It can be quite embarrassing! We have a desk fan in our bedroom which is still being used while I'm nursing Arthur to sleep, since he gets sweaty then. I asked Neil to put the fan on so that it ovulates. *sigh* Oscillates, obviously! Of course the upshot is that I'm suddenly a very amusing person to have around, apparantly! ;)
Sometimes I don't even get as far as actual words, and key words in my sentences keep being replaced with words like "doo-dah", "thingumy-whatsit", or at times when I can't even get my tongue round "thingumy-whatsit", something like, "dum-dingly-thing" instead. Of course if the sentence was, "I saw Sarah at the mother-and-baby group and her bag had such a cool slogan on it!", then it loses all meaning when I say it like, "I saw Thingumy at the whatsit-place and her doo-dah had such a cool diddly-dumpkin on it!" *sigh*
But lucky me. Neil is the MOST patient husband ever ;) He does his fair share of eye-rolling and smirking, but I figure that's his privilege in this situation, hehe!
I have checked my underwear fifty billion times these last couple of days. I swear I keep feeling like I am starting my period, and with the cramps it just makes me more nervous to check. But nothing. Not even a spot. I feel like I would believe it more if I knew I had missed a period. Which of course I have. But I can't say for SURE, since I don't know when I might have expected a period, with my LP changing all the time lately. Before Arthur though, my LP was 12 or 13 days, and since I am 13dpo I should pretty much be able to say that my period is now late, whatever angle you look at it from. I guess I will believe it more after another couple of days, when I have never had a LP that long, or at 18dpo when pretty much nobody would have reached that stage without being pregnant.
But I definitely must be though. I have tests to prove it after all! This is just such a strange way to feel.
Okay it's getting late and I need my bed. My temp this morning was still up there, just a tiny bit lower than yesterday's, but perfectly fine. I am eager to temp again tomorrow and then test. I hope I can hold my pee long enough. I was so glad I wasn't testing this morning as I would have popped if I had tried to save up a night's worth of wee!
I'm soooo sorry I haven't replied to any emails yet. I will I will, I promise. I hope! I am just tired out and using up my online time to do pregnancy things at FF and update here and my other diary. I am so behind there. I need to update again tomorrow if I can. Thank you for more lovely notes and messages! It's so exciting to have people saying Yay! and Congrats! and being excited for me! :) Thank you!!! xxx
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