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2004-06-03 - 11.27pm��previous entry��next entry
17 weeks, 6 days - difficult days
18 weeks tomorrow. Wow!
I just felt like writing an entry but I don't think I've got a whole lot to say today. Hmmm. I am not feeling so great today (and yesterday). My IBS was awful yesterday so I have been feeling a bit sick and blah. I don't know what set it off though.
Bean is kicking me LOADS, and the kicks are getting so much stronger day by day. Yesterday I realised I can really feel it now when Bean kicks me on the bladder (or anywhere in that region!). The first time I felt a kick there it was the weirdest feeling. Like for the split second that the kick hit me, I thought I might pee right there and then! I noticed the kick made my pee muscles tighten involuntarily, just for that split second, and then it was gone again. The kick wasn't as clear as when they are against my tummy, but I felt a definite jolt in there at the same moment as that pee-sensation (!!). Sometimes I realise I sound very weird the way I describe things! ;) I just like to try and tell them so that maybe people can read and say, "Ohhh so THAT'S what it feels like!" But you probably just go, "Huh?!" don't you?! Oh well.
Bean seemed to go to sleep for a couple of hours before we got in bed last night. I was feeling so yucky and couldn't think what to eat, my stomach felt so horrible. So we were up kind of late, figuring out something for me to eat. All that time Bean was so quiet, and yesterday was a seriously active day for Bean, I got thumpled and bumpled alllll day long! So I could really tell the difference when it went quiet in there. Anyway I wondered if Bean would wake up the moment I was lying down in bed trying to sleep - and what do you know?! That's exactly what happened. Last night was the first time Bean kept me awake for a bit. But it's only because Bean was head up, and suddenly full of energy, and seemed to be practising stomping and jumping really hard. Every single bounce and thump was smack on my bladder, and it started to get quite uncomfortable. That's the first time it's felt like that and it was a bit weird. I felt like a bad horrid mummy because I wanted Bean to stop, and that just is awful because I should NEVER want Bean to stop, I should be loving every second of feeling little movements. Urgh. But I did want Bean to stop trampolining on my bladder, and I shifted into all different positions trying to get Bean to move a little. I didn't mind kicks anywhere else, it's just that my bladder has a tendency to be a little sore, plus it doesn't like being repeatedly kicked anyway! It was really uncomfy because Bean's kicks are getting so hard and forceful now. I know they are going to get more so, and that worries me because of how I am already being horrible and wishing Bean would move or stop. I feel so bad.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to feel Bean moving! I am just surprised that now it's getting stronger it can actually be quite uncomfortable. I had this rosy picture in my mind of tenderly cherishing every single kick, but I had no idea some of it might be sore or uncomfy or aggravating. I feel so embarrassed to admit I feel this way, because I know soooooo many women would give anything to feel a baby kicking inside them :(
I am feeling slightly detached from pregnancy and even from Bean, these last couple of days. I don't know why. I can't picture Bean in my womb even though I can feel him/her, and I was lying down in bed the other night and I suddenly had this thought that made me feel very weird. I was thinking how much I love Bean and can't wait to meet him/her. And then suddenly I thought how Bean is a complete stranger to me. Bean is a completely seperate individual. The baby isn't part of me, even though it's inside me and growing "from" me. I can't control this child's life like my own. We don't know what the baby's personality will be like. We don't know what the baby will look like. We don't know it's name, or even if it's a boy or a girl. Suddenly I realised we know nothing about this little person at all, which makes him/her a stranger who will make everything different in our lives for ever and ever, and there's no going back (I know I won't want to of course, but this is just how I was feeling at the time). It scared me, y'know? I didn't carry on feeling that way, but I have felt kind of more distant from Bean since then and I can't seem to shake it.
I feel like I am longing to have that scan. I feel like I need it, to re-connect with my baby, to be able to visualise him/her in my womb again - I have completely lost that, it seems. I try to think about what the baby must look like in there, and I can't at all. My mind just creates this picture of a weird half-formed little creature and that's another scary thought. I need to connect to Bean again and fall back in love, and I'm scared and upset because I can't seem to do it and that makes me feel terrible. Maybe it's just hormones? Maybe it's just these last couple of days and it won't last? I don't know. But I don't like it. I thought the more I felt Bean move, the more I would bond. That bonding was going soooo well. But now it seems to have stalled or something. I don't like that. I want to be gushing with love for my little one every second of the day and night, all the time. It feels wrong when I'm so ambivalent.
So I want that scan. If I can just SEE Bean then I'm sure everything will fall back into place. I want to know if he/she is a boy or a girl. Then I can start bonding with my little boy or little girl, and start knowing the baby by a real name rather than Bean (though I'm very fond of the name Bean now!). I think that will help.
This all just makes me so nervous that I'm gonna be a bad mummy. The last two days have been weird as well because I keep having these horrid daydreams about losing the baby or something going horribly wrong. I keep dreaming that I start to bleed this thick dark red blood and it scares me so much. My womb has been so achy since my last diary entry and I can't get comfy lying down. Yesterday I felt quite dizzy, even though my blood pressure was fine (115/60), and I felt tired out, so I lay down a lot but just couldn't get comfy and Bean kept kicking my bladder. I hate hate hate moaning about anything to do with pregnancy because it's such a precious gift. I don't know why things seem so weird and scary at the moment though.
I still love being pregnant! I'm just scared that something will go wrong. And I'm uncomfy and tired. I have been in SUCH a bad mood come to think of it, for the last couple of days. I feel so bored and stuck indoors, even though I'm not actually stuck indoors. I just keep feeling too tired or yucky to go places, or else I sit down to think about it, and realise there's nowhere to go and nothing to do. That's so depressing! I have no life. Except being pregnant, which is wonderful. But no other life. I am so boring and bored. I guess reading back what I'm writing, I must be having a big hormonal time or something! That's probably what it is. But I hope it passes soon.
I am going out to have lunch with Katie, my pregnant friend at church. She is due at the end of this month and is finished with work now, so she invited me over for lunch with another friend she invited. I nevvvver get to see Katie and I have been longing to get together with another pregnant person for ages. I hope lunch at Katie's will do me the world of good. I hope. I don't feel like going, but I hope it will help and I'll feel like a different person later on.
I do love Bean. But so far I think I suck as a mummy. I hope I improve soon.
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