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2004-05-17 - 5.53pm��previous entry��next entry
15 weeks, 3 days - hormones and more hormones!
Fifteen and a half weeks already! I always count Mondays as my half-week point, even though it's only 3 days into a new week, because by Tuesday I'd be MORE than halfway through the week, so yeah. Monday night would actually be my half-week point, so Monday it is :) I like it because on Friday I am another week pregnant, and then the weekend zips by, and on Monday (which always feels like it appeared in the blink of an eye) I'm suddenly halfway to the next full week already! So cool :) I don't want it all to be gone, I want to enjoy and experience pregnancy and savour it, but all the same, I keep being eager to get to the next milestone and especially keen to get to things like scans and viability for Bean.
Okay please note that I am still soooo behind on emails. Megan, thanks for your email - I will email you soon! Sorry I'm so behind - I get some lovely emails from people and sort of feel bad when I don't respond to them straight away. I love to read them! I am just so bad at replying at the moment :S
Well, what news? I am still morning sick. Blargh. Just the same as always, fine in the morning for the most part, progressively queasy in the afternoon, and downright green all evening. The last four or five days it's been particularly bad in the evenings, I don't know why. I'm kind of fed up because all my books/web sources keep saying, "You are now feeling really well and all the tiredness and nausea of the first trimester is behind you!!" Tsk. I am comforted by the thought that it really could disappear anytime now, no matter how much time keeps going by with me still nauseous, at any given time it COULD go away. So that keeps me going! Most people's morning sickness apparantly clears up between 12 and 14 weeks, but there seem to be plenty of women still suffering from it later than that. And some poor loves have it the whole pregnancy. I hope that won't be me! But at least I haven't been sick. Phew! I have been hoping it would go away around 16 weeks instead, but that's rapidly approaching and I still feel grim. Hmmm. Oh well, it can't last forever! :)
Last night I went into a pit of hormonal despair. I haven't had many of those which I'm glad about, but I had one last night. I was sitting in bed listening to the radio for distraction, feeling sick and pukey. We went out yesterday to Cameron's house to a barbeque with his family which was lovely (will update my normal diary about it shortly) and I survived remarkably well which was a relief (was quite nervous). But in the evening, sitting in bed, I had a scratchy throat and that's how my last 2 butt-kicking colds started, and I've only been properly well from the last one for about 2 weeks (if that). And then Neil brought me some dinner in bed - he's the sweetest thing - and bless him, he'd laid it all out so nicely on the plate, sort of like a child's meal. He put the food in a pattern to cheer me up :) He's so sweet to me. Anyway I couldn't even look at it for a while, and then I nibbled on a couple of bits of pasta. And then I tried to eat a bit more but my stomach acted like it wasn't about to have that. Neil went downstairs and I wept over my pasta, fish fingers, carrots and leeks, because Neil had made it look so pretty and I couldn't eat it. And I needed to eat to feel better but I couldn't get past the nausea. And I am crazy for leeks at the moment so I wanted to eat them sooo badly, but I couldn't because they wouldn't go down my throat. And once I started crying all these millions of other reasons to cry started popping up, it was so weird! All of a sudden I felt like I had soooo long to go before the baby was born and I already couldn't cope with being pregnant, and I was sure I was getting a cold again and I couldn't bear the thought of another bad cold for 2 weeks, and I felt like I would never never stop feeling sick for as long as I lived, and I felt like a bad wife and a bad mother, and the day out with Cam's family had shaken me up a little, to be around an extremely lively and demanding 4 year old and a 7 month old baby, I just found myself thinking, "I can't cope with that! I can't do it. I'm not even sure I WANT it, even though I've been thinking I do for years. I'm so two-faaaaced! Waaaaaah!" etc. You get the picture?!
So it ended up with me appearing on the stairs like a 2 year old, sobbing, "I can't eat my-y dinner!" and Neil gave me lots of cuddles. He said it didn't matter about the food, he didn't mind if I only managed a few bits of pasta, but by then I was in full-wail-mode and the whole world was wrong. See, hormones make you a crazy person! Anyway I cried for ages, I just couldn't be consoled, it was so weird. I told Neil all the things that were upsetting me and he reassured me on all of them and said not to worry because it was just hormones and I'd feel better about everything soon. He is the most wonderful man I ever knew in my life, and I am bowled over that I am the one who gets to be married to him. He's so lovely :)
And eventually I felt better and managed to eat most of the pasta and a few bites of cereal, enough to take my prenatal vitamin. I am going to try to take that more consistently because yesterday after the barbeque I was really pale. I noticed my feet were white as marble, even the nails, and so we looked the rest of me over and I was paler than usual, and the inside of my eyelids were paler too. I don't think I get nearly enough iron in my diet, so I am gonna try to take my prenatal vitamin daily again because it has a good level of iron in it.
My blood test results from my midwife appointment won't be back for a couple of weeks (!!) and they were testing for anaemia amongst other things. So we'll see. But I felt pink and healthy when I had blood taken, so I don't know if it would show.
Anyway I feel much better today. I still felt sick when I woke this morning but I tried to doze and stay in bed for a bit longer, and when I got up I felt fine and ate breakfast no problem. I have no scratchy or sore throat today which is a great relief! I think maybe it was an afternoon outdoors with pollen and pollution to contend with. Sometimes in the summer I do get a scratchy throat on a hot day if I have spent lots of hours out of doors. The pollution around here is horrible. We are gonna need to move if we're going to have asthma-free children, seriously! Shame, because I love it here. One in three children in this area has asthma, that's soooo awful. It's one of the highest levels in the country. We need to move away. But I hate moving and I hate change, and I love this area where I've lived since I was a baby. The pollution was so much lighter then. Now it greatly exceeds EU safety standards. Yuck.
I digress! These entries get so long now because I'm always going off on tangents!
It's 5.15pm now and I've just started to feel pretty queasy in the last hour or so, which is about normal. Yesterday at the barbeque I was so nervous I'd get all nauseous and feel dreadful and not be able to enjoy it, but we stayed till about 5.30 and it didn't really kick in till shortly after we got home so that was great! :)
Today I have tried on a million pairs of shorts and some dresses to see which of my pre-pregnancy summer things I can fit into while the weather is hot (which it is this week, at last!!). It's definitely shorts weather now. It won't last, this is England after all! But right now I need shorts that fit. I am really pleased because I only fit 2 pairs of shorts!! Yay, a little bump at last! I hsdn't really noticed much of a bump but the shorts thing shows me that I am definitely getting bigger if I absolutely can't do them up! I fit a pair that I'm wearing now, but only because they were loose on me before and they zip up at the side which is comfier. I won't fit them next week, they are as tight as I could wear them now. And another pair of shorts I have are reeeeally stretchy with a drawstring waist, so I could probably wear those for months yet.
Yesterday I wore shortie dungarees which have a kind of fitted waist, and I was soooo thrilled to see that below the waistline the fabric was pulled tight against my tummy where it's always been loose! :) Yay yay yay, I'm starting to look pregnant!!!! Of course you'd have to really look at my tummy to start wondering, or know I was pregnant in the first place, but oh well. Cameron's parents didn't know about it so I had fun telling them! They are excited for us. But they didn't take one look at me and ask if I had something to tell them or anything, I had to tell them. I am not showing that much yet. I can't wait to show MORE!! :)
Today I have done laundry and hung it out on the line which made me feel good. I always feel so much better about myself or about the day when I can do something constructive and not just sit feeling yucky and useless.
Bean is kicking me quite a lot these days. It's funny, when you first feel kicks, after that you notice them so much more, every day. I thought it would be only once in a while that I noticed movements after the first time, but it's like once I've got sensitive to the little kicks and squirms, I can feel them a lot from then on.
Today and yesterday when I feel a proper kick it is quite a bit stronger than when I first noticed little pops on my insides. In fact, today for the first time I actually felt a few from the outside with my hand! I know it's super early for all this but I don't know why it is. It just IS, that's all. Maybe my abs are non-existant?! I don't know. My pregnancy book says that slim women tend to feel things earlier, even for first pregnancies, so maybe that's all it is? I am pretty lean on my abdomen so it's probably thinish or something. Also I notice that I have to be lying in a certain position and Bean has to be in one of a couple of positions for me to feel a kick strongly enough for it to make a little "blip" against my hand. I have to be lying on my back but slightly elevated with cushions behind my back. Which happens to be how I sit/lie when I'm flopping on the sofa watching TV, or when I'm flopping on the bed listening to the radio or reading. Also I have to actually have my hand on my tummy to feel it, but lately that is not difficult since I am completely obsessed with Bean these days and my hand is permanently welded to my abdomen! I'm not kidding! Apart from last night when I was weepy and when we were at the BBQ. Incidentally I did not feel a single thing the whole afternoon while we were out, so it must be true that when you first feel tiny movements you pretty much need to be still and undistracted to notice them - they are so light and tiny.
I wished Neil was here today when I felt the little thumps against my hand, because he would have been able to feel it too, if he'd have got his hand there quick enough. Bean doesn't give me proper kicks that often, he/she squiggles about more than anything else and does little light taps and things, but this morning and once this afternoon, I had two seperate times where I got a few proper thumpers! It's so much fun! I am desperate for Bean to kick me like that more at the moment. I just put my hand there and giggle with delight, I just can't help but giggle, and then I wait for more (which doesn't usually come) and say to Bean, "Kick Mummy, Bean, kick Mummy!" I love it if I've said that and immediately I get another little kick, it makes my eyes fill up and I just have to laugh for joy. I know it's a total coincidence that Bean kicks me again just after I've said that, but the feeling is so awesome that I can't help myself!
Today I was reading my pregnancy book and I skipped ahead and read about birth. Without even noticing it, I went off into a daydream imagining pushing my baby out and really truly meeting Bean face to face for the first time. And what he/she might look like and how much hair she/he might have, and what his/her cry might sound like the first time we hear it. It's the first time I've imagined it (I've been there in my mind a lot now!) and been overwhelmed with mushy feelings at the thought of meeting my baby for the first time. I just bawled, just at the thought of it! :) So I'm still hormonal, but it's happy hormones today! :)
I'm sure I have other things to say but I can't remember them. I just suddenly felt super hungry so I just got myself a ham sandwich. I am back on them so long as it's that square ham you buy for kids' packed lunches and not the real deli ham. Apparantly cold deli meats are to be avoided in pregnancy, but my midwife said this kind of ham is fine so yay, I get to eat yummy ham sandwiches again!
I am peeing like NEVER before, seriously! I don't pee a lot at night anymore but then at night my womb seems to float up into my abdomen. When I wake it's always at my belly button, but as soon as I sit up it drops back to about 3 inches below, which is it's "real" height. In the day I am peeing about a dozen times a day which is loooooads more than my pre-pregnant 2 or 3 times a day! I am sort of nervous that I have a UTI or somethiing, since I am peeing sooo much, and I've had a little bit of discomfort when peeing occasionally. But that's since the day after my midwife appt, and my urine tested fine with a dipstick that day. Can it all be different the next day or would a clear urine test mean that I wouldn't have a UTI the next day? I don't know these things.
Ohhh before I finish, I absolutely have to give you a link to something BEAUTIFUL that I found online the other day. It's a sort of photo thingy of the homebirth of a baby born in March this year. It has music as well. It's sooooo beautiful. My favourite picture is the one where the mother's two older children are watching - the expressions on their little faces. Ahhh it made me cry. I am looking forward to my homebirth. And I want water now too. I think I want to hire a birthing pool, so I will look into that soon. Anyway, that's all my news for today so I'll finish now. Here's the link to the homebirth pictures:
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