Journal
Sign guestbook
Arthur's Mummy's Diary
Matthew's Belly Gallery
Nathan's Belly Gallery
Benjamin's Belly Gallery
My Fertility Friend Chart
2004-11-14 - 6.59pm��previous entry��next entry
5 days old :)
Thank you for all the lovely guestbook entries again, and for the helpful emails with breastfeeding advice too! You guys are just so great :)
Well Arthur is 5 days old. He is still perfect ;) My milk came in yesterday afternoon. I figured it must have because my breasts seemed pretty huge, although I haven�t had any engorgement at all yet. I did try hand-expressing but nothing happened, so I waited till a bit later. Neil went out to get Lasinoh (lanolin) for my nipples and that stuff to treat the thrush, and while he was gone I was watching Arthur (who�d just recently had a feed of formula through a syringe), and I thought I would try the hand pump to see if I did have any milk yet. It took a few minutes of pumping with nothing happening, but I was patient, and then YAY OH YAY, this big ole bead of colostrum appeared, followed immediately by flowing milk!!!! Yippee!! I pumped 4mls, only a tiny bit, but I gave it to Arthur straight away in the syringe. I was so excited to give him my milk! He seemed to like it :) Well, you know, he ate it anyway!
Since then I have been pumping every time he has a feed (of previously pumped milk) and we have thankfully put the formula aside. We used it to top his feeds up at first because I was only getting 20mls per pumping session at first and he needs more than that. Feeding problems are still an issue and they are really getting me down today, now that the excitement of producing milk has had a day to dwindle slightly. He won�t take the breast. He absolutely will NOT take it. I offer him the breast as much as I can but he hates it. Hates it. Today I just cried and cried after trying to give him my breast for the millionth time, because suddenly it just felt like a personal rejection. I felt like my baby hates my breasts. He hates me. I know that�s stupid and not true, but it really felt that way at the time. He freaks out the moment I hold him in any way that lets him know he is about to be put to the breast. If I am somehow subtle enough to get him there before he freaks out, he might possibly take the nipple but he continues to root about like crazy even when his mouth is open and the nipple is just sitting right in there ready for him to suck. He keeps rooting till he gets frustrated and cries. Once he�s crying like that he has to be moved away from my breast in order to be consoled. Urgh. It�s so hard. Once or twice he�s actually closed his mouth on the nipple and taken a couple of sucks, but that�s all he will take before his face does this grimace and he kind of purses his lips till they are just literally around the nipple and then pulls away. It breaks my heart. Why would he do all that if he liked feeding from me? I can�t see how something like this will ever change, and today I�m finding that prospect hard.
So I have milk, but Arthur won�t take it from me. I�m going to keep pumping, obviously, so he can take my milk instead of formula, but for now we are a bit stuck on feeding methods, because we don�t want to give him a bottle because we don�t want him further confused with teats and stuff. But on the other hand, syringe feeding was meant to be an extremely temporary measure, and we can�t carry on like this. But he won�t feed from me. So I don�t know what to do. In any case, syringe feeding him 40mls takes 2 hours. Two hours. And both Neil and I need to be 100% involved. I need to hold him and give him a finger to suck, and Neil does the syringing part. I am getting tired of that, even though in many ways it is wonderful because he is getting nutrition, and my own milk at that. But it�s so tiring. And I am sad that I�m missing snuggle time with him by breastfeeding. If only it was just an issue of painful feeding. I feel like I would put up with that for anything at the moment. My nipples hurt like crazy when I pump as well, so I don�t know what�s up with them. I am using Lasinoh though, and it is great stuff.
Arthur finally pooed today, and boy oh boy did he poo! He filled a Kissaluv, and I mean FILLED a Kissaluv. Using cloth nappies is going like a dream by the way. I can�t imagine why anyone would use disposables, all the more now I�m actually experiencing using cloth for real! They go on just as easily, they look cute, they smell better, they feel nicer against his skin (and mine when we�re having skin-to-skin time), and they literally just get chucked to one side (we�re still in too much of a whirlwind to have got as far as using the nappy pails yet!) and then thrown in the machine when there�s a few of them. In goes the powder, on goes the wash, and next thing you know, the machine is full of clean, sweetly smelling nappies! When I first saw his meconium, I thought that was NEVER coming out of those nappies, especially with me just throwing them (dried out and stuck to themselves, mmm!) into the machine without soaking or a pre-wash or anything. But nope. Clean as a whistle, and soft and plush to boot. Cloth is fab :) We still don�t have our tumble drier fixed, but we�ve discovered that Kissaluvs dry well on the radiators so that�s great. I tried him in a Tots size 0 yesterday. Here�s a picture of him on his Mummy-customised changing mat:
I�ve been using all sorts of wraps on him too. Proraps are great, and the newborn ones fit him well, but they aren�t the nicest against my skin as they aren�t that soft. He�s wearing a newborn Bummis Super Whisper Wrap (Noah�s Ark print) at the moment, which is great. I like my homemade Lennon print cars wrap on him best, and I�m really pleased because the poo leaked out of the Kissaluv today (it was THAT full!) but my homemade wrap contained it! :) Yay! Also it has lovely soft microfleece binding round the legs, so it�s very soft for him to wear. He also looks inconceivably cute in it :) The fleece wraps I made fit him very well and look and feel cuddly. I am really loving using cloth nappies for Arthur, it�s so much fun!
Last night was our first night of real co-sleeping!! I spent the first night (at home) with him on the sofa in my arms, and the second night I slept while Neil was up with him ALL night long! He fussed and wouldn�t settle or take much formula at a time, and poor Neil just sat up the whole night to let me catch up on sleep. I was feeling so weird by 1am that night when we were trying to feed Arthur. I was awake but kept feeling my arms jerk like they were going to drop him (I was sitting on the sofa with a cushion under my arms so there was no danger), and the only way I could stop my eyes from rolling up in my head with sleepiness was to contract my pelvic floor muscles, which gave me a sharp pain where my stitches are, and therefore woke me with a jerk! I kept saying things to Neil that he didn�t understand, and getting frustrated because I was trying to explain things but the words came out all weird and I said things I wasn�t meaning to say. So Neil sent me to bed, and the next thing I knew it was 7.30am and Neil was still up with Arthur downstairs! Poor thing. Arthur had just dozed off, but Neil said he was waking after every 10 minutes of sleep to cry and take a tiny bit of formula, and wouldn�t be consoled very easily. Which isn�t like Arthur actually. He�s such a beautifully placid baby, so easy-going. I love how we are learning about his personality more and more every day. Every new thing we learn is like taking an even more beautiful jewel out of a magnificently decorated box. He is so precious.
Anyway, I took over from Neil and he went to bed. Arthur did wake after a few minutes so I took him and lay on the sofa with him, and he slept for 3 hours that way! So last night we took him to bed with us � first night in Mummy and Daddy�s bed! It went sooooo well. I felt relaxed knowing he was right there in my arms, and he seemed way more secure and contented sleeping next to me. He was toasty warm all night, even when he had his arms out and it was a cold night. My body kept him warm. We had a scary moment when he woke and choked on something, which turned out to be thick clear mucus. We are kind of worried about that, because we can�t think why he would have mucus like that. He seemed distressed too, and it took us a while to calm him down. After that I was really insecure about him, and we slept the rest of the night with him on my chest so I could really hold him and feel him safe in my arms. He slept well that way which was nice, and after the next feed I went back to sleeping how we normally do � on our sides, cuddled up tummy-to-tummy :) I like that. I like feeling his little tummy rise and fall against mine as he breathes, and I like knowing that he can hear my breathing and my heartbeat like when he was in the womb. He has plenty of room to breathe, and I keep the duvet cover down the bed over my legs only, with a sheet and blanket over Arthur and my top half. This morning when I woke up, he was sooooo cute sleeping there next to me that I just had to ease myself out of the bed and grab the camera! Here�s my cute boy at the end of his first night sleeping with Mummy and Daddy (in a very messy �we�ve-been-up-half-the-night-learning-about-feeding� bed!!):
Yesterday was my parents� last day here :( I am so sad that they have gone home to France today. I feel lonely knowing they are not here anymore, and sad that I know it will be a while before we see them again. They say it won�t be long, but in Arthur�s eyes it will be forever. He won�t know them at all, and he will have changed so much, going through stages they will miss completely. I am going to send them photos every day via email, but still, I wish they were here to hold him and love on him like they have been doing. It seems such a huge anti-climax now that the big event has been building up, and their visit came, and Arthur arrived, and all of a sudden it�s over and they are gone, back to normal life. And we�re left in a huge emotional whirlwind � albeit the best one we could ever go through! I just keep feeling sad and emotional about it, that�s all. I miss my parents. I miss my mummy. They came over last night with Granny and Grandoug to see Arthur and say goodbye. We all took a million photos. Here are two that I love � the first one is Mummy holding Arthur � he has started to be very alert and to stare deeply into your eyes as he looks at you. His gaze is incredibly peaceful and searching � it�s an amazing feeling to look into his eyes when he�s like that. Mummy was holding him and he was looking at her like that. Neil took a photo:
Isn�t he gorgeous? I am so biased, obviously, but really he is so so so totally scrumptious! I don�t care for false modesty, so there we go! :) Here is the other photo � it�s me and my parents with Daddy holding Arthur. We are all soooo besotted. He is so perfect.
Well I don�t know what else to say really. I feel pretty blue today for some reason. Everything feels a bit overwhelming, even with all these blessings, I feel very vulnerable and insecure over the things that I�m struggling with. Everyone keeps saying I�m doing so well, etc, but it�s not that I feel I�m doing badly � except with breastfeeding � it�s not to do with how well I�m doing. Things just feel weird and scary and vulnerable, that�s all. I know it�s the norm in the early days and weeks of parenthood, but all I do is sleep, pump or feed. Sleep is just unconsciousness, and both pumping and feeding make me upset because they are the one issue that I am distressed about and can�t seem to fix. They also take up every moment of the day, and we struggle to fit meals in and things. We don�t really catch up on our sleep either. Neil is napping right now, and I slept most of the morning after Arthur went back to sleep with me in bed. Neil did the supermarket shopping today, and I took a bath. My stitches hurt, but nowhere neeear as bad as my pubic bone does! Oh my word, it is soooo much more painful than when I was pregnant! I have to hobble about in pain when I walk, but it�s nothing to do with painful stitches! It does hurt to sit down from the stitches though, but honestly they don�t bother me like I thought they might.
Well I�m going to send some photos to my parents now. Thank you for all the support and encouragement. It helps me no end to read it when I am feeling so all-at-sea and emotional. When I cry and feel wretched, Neil actually suggests going online to see if there are encouraging messages, because he knows how much they help me when I feel that way. So thank you all soooo much � you�ve no idea how much of a difference it makes to me at the moment. I am not getting back to emails/phone calls/messages at the moment because it�s too much to do, but I know you will all understand that! Just know I appreciate you all.
Oh I almost forgot � Arthur is smiling loooads today! Big beaming smiles, which make his eyes squint up and his gums show! Mostly when he�s asleep but not always. It�s the most precious sight ever, and I spend hours just holding him in front of my face just so I don�t miss a smile if he gives one. He has the most beautiful smile. I think his face is beautiful, but when he smiles it lights him up like a Christmas tree, honestly. If I get a photo I will post it for sure. You guys have to see it! We had a nice moment earlier. Arthur was fretting like crazy because he had some wind (this boy is THE windiest boy around!). Neil was holding him up to his shoulder trying to burp him and I was standing behind his shoulder looking at Arthur�s face. He just wouldn�t get any wind up, so he was crying for ages. Then all of a sudden he tipped his head back against Neil�s arm and let out this ENORMOUS burp! Neil and I just started to laugh and laugh, I don�t know why, it just suddenly tickled us that this tiny weeny little boy could produce such a cavernous sound! We laughed till we cried and Arthur�s little head was wobbling about with Neil laughing so hard! Then just as we were pulling ourselves together again and wiping our eyes, Arthur closed his eyes, did a deep sigh, and then stretched his little mouth into the biggest wide-open smile, gums flashing away, eyes smiling too, as though he was enjoying the laughter and joining in! It was the sweetest thing, and it set us off laughing all over again. That was so good, to feel like a happy family and to release all those nice endorphins! We have the most precious little boy. He is has also been lifting his head for the last couple of days. His neck seems quite strong, and he can lift his head up nicely now. My clever boy! :) It does make burping him a lot harder though, because instead of flopping wherever it was most convenient for us, he now wants to lift his head and look around whilst being burped, and not having that much control over his head once it�s up, it can be harder to control his position for burping!
Anyway that is all. Arthur is here in the Moses basket next to me while I type, and he�s stirring so I want to go and just look at him till he comes round :) Today I was scared and crying because when he wouldn�t take my breast I felt kind of cross towards him a little bit, and that scared me because I thought, �What if I stop loving him over this?� I know that sounds crazy but I love him soooo much, and the feeling was the first I�ve ever had that wasn�t lovely and positive towards him, and it scared me, you know? I just want to love him and never ever feeling anything but overwhelming love for him. He deserves that � he is so precious and innocent. It�s not his fault about the feeding issues. But I just felt so hurt and resentful that he refused me and seemed to hate my breasts. I tried to shake the feeling but it wouldn�t go. Neil said it was okay and that hormones are probably still making me feel more stuff than normal, but I don�t know, that doesn�t really console me. I just wish he would feed from me. I wish he would.
Anyway he�s definitely waking up, so I am going for now :)
Recent entries.....
Babies 7 and 8! :) - 2016-01-10
Babies 6 and 7! - 2013-02-17
Baby #5 !! - 2010-04-03
Nearly 3 months postpartum! - 2009-10-05
6 weeks old already! - 2009-08-25