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2004-08-29 - 7.43pm��previous entry��next entry
30 weeks, 2 days - Noggin (again) and waiting for my sweet boy
30 weeks and 2 days. C�mon November! I can�t believe it�s only 2 days since I turned 30 weeks. I hope it�s not going to suddenly go slowly, because for the first time I am starting to long for things to speed up. Which is probably why they feel slower than ever, ironically.
I am freaking out about my noggin. It is growing at the most alarming rate, especially in the last 2 days or so. Every 12 hours I can see a visible difference in how big it is, which is starting to scare me a little! My nose is looking like there�s a bulge in it now, from the outside, and my nostril is completely blocked. I stopped using that stupid cream. It�s obviously not doing anything and besides, the noggin is too big to get in there and apply it properly, so yeah. Last night I woke several times from dreams that I was suffocating, and I absolutely cannot breathe through my nose at all now, although the other side is clear, because I�m a bit congested at night. I have been kind of snotty with this pregnancy anyway, from the first trimester, so I guess that doesn�t help when there�s an alien blocking your nose! It also bleeds at least once a day and I really don�t like that either.
Last night I got soooo fed up with the noggin and not being able to breathe/de-snot myself made me feel tearful and down, but I couldn�t really give in to that feeling because tears + alien-filled nose = bad idea. This morning I was tired because I guess I just am these days, but also because I could have had a better sleep (again), so we didn�t go to church. It was the last Sunday of the August Kids� Sundays, and those are fun but I didn�t feel like I was missing some important sermon or anything! But I was so unhappy and worried about my noggin after I got up that I ended up going to church after the service finished to ask someone to pray with me about it. I�m sooooo glad I went, because everyone was pleased to see me, even though I wasn�t even there for the service. Someone immediately offered to stop what they were doing and pray with me, and we grabbed a lovely lady near us and the two of them listened to me spout about my noggin and then they prayed that it would go away and that I would feel more at peace about it. Phew. I felt soooo lovely and peaceful while they prayed over me, despite one or two children having a serious screeching/screaming tantrum a few feet away from us! It was lovely. Then I just chatted to various people for 10 minutes or so before coming home again. It was so nice, and I�m so glad I went. I felt great for just being there with my church family, even without attending the actual church service, and nobody batted an eyelid that I wasn�t there till after it finished.
Lots of people commented on my bump and how much bigger it has become since they last saw me! One guy asked if I had got planning permission for that extension!! Hehe! I am slow with such comments so it took me a while to get his joke! The couple who just had a baby (the ones who made us �next in line� (!) when their baby was born) were there with their tiny weeny little baby girl, and they were just wheeling her past me in her little travel system thingy � very similar to Arthur�s � when I saw them. I surprised myself by being kind of freaked-out-shocked by how tiny their baby was. I don�t know why it is freaking me out more and more every time I see a newborn baby, how tiny they are! I mean, once you�ve seen ONE then you know they are all gonna be tiny. But I seem to be more and more shocked and surprised at their size every time I see one. Weird. I was like, �(gasp) She�s sooo tiny!!� and I guess I must have looked freaked out because her mother started to reassure me and use a nice �it�s okay, there there� tone with me! Hehe! I just can�t can�t can�t believe we are going to have a baby who depends entirely on us for his life and he will be that tiny. This baby was 6lb 9oz at birth, but she�s a couple of weeks old now. Boy was she tiny. But beautiful. I felt unexpectedly broody, like I used to, like I haven�t for a long time. Like my insides were scrunching with longing for a tiny baby to hold and call my own. I�m so glad I have one cooking :)
Then on the way out to the car, I chatted to a couple of ladies in the car park. They asked how I was doing and complimented me on my bump (yay!) and asked when I was due, etc, etc. And I said I was fine and didn�t think I would mention my noggin � it�s not exactly a fun and chatty thing to talk about with just anyone who stops to say hello! But they asked if I�d dropped in for a reason and I was able to tell them I had stopped by for prayer for this thing in my nose, and they were sooo interested, I was amazed! Hehe! They asked all sorts of questions, and one of the ladies is a retired nurse. When I said it was painless they were like, �Ohhh it�s definitely not a cyst then. It�s probably a polyp.� One of them said she even knew someone once who had a polyp in the nose which bled, and he had it removed surgically. For some reason their relaxed attitude and a bit of knowledge about the stupid noggin gave me a huuuge sense of relief, like phew, it couldn�t be anything to really worry about, even though it�s annoying. So I came home praising God and feeling so so glad I had decided to go along.
When I got home I googled �nasal polyp� and from the things I found I did various other searches, until I found exactly what I was looking for, and photos (yuck) and descriptions that told me exactly what the darn thing is. It�s a polyp alright. It�s a pyogenic granuloma. These are thankfully benign, and are characterized by rapid growth and bleeding. They are so common (amongst their incidence) in pregnant women that they are also referred to as �pregnancy tumours� � can you believe it?! They are not so common in the nose, but much more so in the mouth (they grown on skin and mucous membranes), and they find pregnancy hormones the most delightful growth enhancers. Tsk. They are quite good at shrinking and even sometimes disappearing after the birth, but most will need surgically removing (under general anaesthetic usually). I do not want mine getting any bigger because it will start to block my sinuses from draining pretty soon and that will give me the most horrible sinus infection, which I do NOT want! So I am hoping and praying that God will make it go away before the NHS get around to fixing me an appointment with a specialist to sort it out. I would much rather God fixed it than have surgery on my nose!
I am still so frustrated with it because I hate having a blocked nose and sounding all coldy when I talk, and feeling snotty without being able to de-snot, and not being able to breathe like I want to. But I feel a huge weight has been taken off by finding out what it is, and that it is not dangerous, and that it�s relatively common in pregnancy. Poxy thing though. Some specialists apparently won�t do anything with these polyps till after the baby is born, because they like to wait and see if it clears up once the pregnancy hormones are not feeding it. I really really hope this will not be the case for me. I feel like I can�t bear having that thing in there for 10 more weeks, my sleep is getting so bad and disturbed by it, and I want a clear nose for labour please! Also I hate that it bleeds so frequently, and I don�t like that it�s so big now and pressing out my nose. I know they can get bigger and I am nervous about that happening since it�s already taking up so much space.
Well you really don�t want to hear me waffle on any longer about a nasal polyp (!) so I�ll stop now, but I wanted to say what it is and about the probable treatment, because it will affect the rest of my pregnancy in some way, large or small, and I would really really really appreciate prayer over it please. At the moment I feel like, �Yeah, yeah, I�ve got to give birth to another human being, but enough about that � what about my NOGGIN?!!� hehe! Please pray. It�s driving me crazy. I don�t want it in my nose anymore and I know God can make it go away.
Yesterday we fitted Arthur�s car seat in the car!!!! It was an exciting occasion! It took us aaages but we finally fitted it exactly right according to the instructions and it fits really good and securely in there. It doesn�t wobble a bit. We just need a bit of practice because otherwise we are going to need to leave like 20 minutes early for everything we go out to when Arthur is here, because we are kind of slow and clumsy about strapping it in at the moment! It�s one of those little car seats with a handle that you carry, not the type that you fit and leave in the car. Oh except you saw a picture of it already so I don�t need to explain! Sorry!
While we were fitting it, our neighbours pulled up in their driveway and the lady talked to us for a while. We haven�t chatted to her since before I was pregnant so it was nice to say hello to her. She congratulated us on my bump (!) and asked when the baby was due. I told her Fireworks Night (what a time to be born!) and said that we are planning to have a homebirth, just to let her know in advance! I said that I would go round all the neighbours that shared walls with our house (!) nearer the time, to let them know that I would be giving birth next door and not to worry if I yelled during the night or something!! She said encouraging things but her face was saying, �Oh maaan, a birth on the other side of our walls!� She didn�t look entirely thrilled by the idea! I said I did not plan to be really noisy or anything, but she said, �Well, just wait and see dear�!! She asked if we knew what sex the baby was, and I said it was a boy :) I love talking about Arthur. I love when people ask questions specifically about him, not just about me or the pregnancy or preparations, etc. Anyway she was really nice :)
I got a tiny little white velour snowsuit in the post last week which I won at eBay. It was a really good bargain because it hasn�t been used before and it only cost a few pounds. I know it won�t get loads of use though, because it�s size tiny baby (up to 7.5lbs ish). I think Arthur will probably weigh around that much at birth, so he will probably fit it for a week or two, and if we go anywhere in November then I will want him dressed snugly in a snowsuit. The newborn ones (up to 10lbs) will swamp him at first if he�s that tiny at birth, so I think it is worth getting a tiny baby sized one for those first few trips out of the house. Especially when I can find one so cheaply at eBay! :) If for some unlikely reason he is huge at birth then oh well, it�s no big deal if he doesn�t fit it. I have a different snowsuit ready and waiting for him in newborn size and another in 0-3 months size, so he will just go straight into one of those. I like to be prepared! Anyway it is soooo tiny and soft and cute! When we had fitted the car seat, we brought it back inside and put a teddy in the snowsuit (and stuffed the legs a little bit to fill it out like a baby shape) and buckled it into the little car seat! We could not BELIEVE how tiny our little baby is going to look in that snowsuit, strapped into his car seat. Seriously. Soooo tiny. Neil held the stuffed snowsuit so carefully like it was a real baby, and he stood up and held it to his shoulder, and I just looked at him for ages, because I felt in awe of how big my �little hubby� looked and how tiny and vulnerable the little bundle against his shoulder looked. I had no idea the baby would look so tiny against one of us. I mean, duh, of course I know the baby will look tiny against either of us! But, you know. Just HOW tiny. It took me by surprise. And it feels different seeing things like that when we are now getting so close to the time when he�ll really be here. Neil practiced transferring the �baby� from his shoulder to cradled in his arms while supporting the head. He is so sweet. He is anxious to be �careful� with the baby and always support his head well. I feel less inclined to be overly anxious about handling Arthur. Maybe because I�ve had plenty of experience handling newborns or something, I don�t know. But he�ll be hardy enough, and yes I will be sure to support his head. I don�t think I need to worry about being �careful� though. I think I will instinctively protect him and not need to focus on that part so much. I�m sure Neil will get used to handling him pretty quickly too. It was so cute to watch him with the little stuffed snowsuit though!
I have been sewing quite a bit these last couple of days. My first attempt at serging a Cuddlebuns diaper went really well! So well actually that I added snaps and decided to use it on Arthur instead of just making it a practice nappy and maybe selling it free for postage or something later. Today I made another one, but it�s a girlie print. It�s just an old pair of my pyjamas cut up to make a Cuddlebun so that I could practice serging with my overlocker. I bought 2 more yards of different John Lennon print fabrics, because I liked the first one so much! He made some really cute designs and they will look so adorable as newborn nappies! So that�s my next project I think.
Today has been a bit weird � I think I have some hormones making me feel weird today. I keep feeling weepy and odd, and this afternoon after I did some sewing, I lay down for a little rest on the bed in the spare room, and as soon as I lay down, Arthur started wiggling and kicking me loads. I loved it. I put my hand on my bump and talked to him, telling him he�s a good boy and I love him and things like that. He wiggled so much. He pushes his legs out so that his feet sweep across the top of my bump and down my side � that�s a move he really likes, and does frequently! I love feeling his little hard heels stick out and push so firmly across me, even when it�s a bit uncomfy. I have started to notice that if I have my hand pressed firmly enough against my bump and he pushes a part of him against my hand hard enough, the sensation against my hand is like a swell of warmth. Like he is so warm and toasty in there that I can feel his warmth if he pushes hard enough for me to feel him through stretched layers of muscle and skin. I love that. It makes me feel so so so mushy, in a new way that I can�t put my finger on. Today I was feeling him through my bump and he was pressing his feet against me and moving his limbs across my hands, and I could feel that lovely warmth and the different hardness of his feet and legs, and I just suddenly got overwhelmed with this new feeling. That�s why I wanted to write about it, because it�s a new experience on this journey.
I got so tearful, because I felt�. like I was frustratingly cut off from Arthur somehow, because he is in my belly and I can�t hold him in my arms yet. I suddenly longed to hold his whole little body in my arms and draw him close to my chest and my face, and kiss him all over and just SEE him and take everything of him in, every little grimace and expression, the way he nuzzles and wiggles softly with his head like newborns do, all the little flailing movements of his tiny arms and legs, and the way he flexes his fingers, everything. The feeling was so frustrating because I can�t do that while he�s still inside me, and it feels sort of like I have so much love that it hurts, and I can�t find an outlet for that love, not enough to relieve the pressure anyway, because I can�t hold him yet. I suddenly was crying and saying that I want my baby boy in my arms, and it�s the first time I�ve actually wished for the pregnancy to be finished so that I could get on with the next stage and hold him in my arms for as long as I want to. Ten weeks is such a short time really, but it feels such a long time to wait for him to be here. I also am starting to feel ready for sleeping more comfortably, and for wearing some of my favourite non-maternity clothes, even though I have plenty of lovely maternity clothes that I�m still really excited to wear! It�s not exactly that I�m wanting to stop being pregnant now, because I love being pregnant and I feel like I will miss it when it�s over. But at the same time it feels like a long time now that I�ve been pregnant (even though it�s not) and I feel like 10 weeks is FOREVER all of a sudden! But, as the hormones of pregnancy tend to swing, I will probably be scared silly of the impending birth and responsibility tomorrow and be thankful and relieved that I have another 10 weeks (which will, of course, feel like nowhere NEAR enough time!)!!
But right now I am longing for Arthur to be here in my arms. I love him soooo much already.
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