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2007-12-03 - 12.26am��previous entry��next entry
30 weeks!!!
Wowee, I'm 30 weeks pregnant! That's really quite pregnant, isn't it?! I can't believe I'm in the 30s now. I probably say this every pregnancy, but it always strikes me that the 30s are IT. That's it! The day after the 30s end is your due date, if you even make it that far! So, being into that stage feels pretty exciting/scary :)
30 weeks also means I am 3/4 of the way through my pregnancy. I was saying to Granny on the phone the other day that, aaaaargh, I only have TEN WEEKS LEFT!!! And she said, "Oh, ten weeks is quite a long time...." Which is one way of looking at it. But actually, it really ISN'T a long time at all, seeing how at least the last 20 have just vanished without me noticing! Yipe. I am going to have a snuffly lil newborn in my arms in no time at all. Yippee-dooooo! I'm so excited and looking forward to having a tiny new baby again so much!
Just recently, Matthew and Arthur seem so much older to me. I mean, not suddenly or anything, but when I look at them and try to relate them to a newborn, or even just a young baby, they are getting SO far removed from that now. When I got pregnant, Matthew didn't seem THAT far removed from a young baby. He was 11 months old, and hadn't had a birthday yet, and the memory of him before he was mobile, toothy and babbling was pretty fresh! But life is so busy with two toddlers (or should I start to say, a little boy and a toddler? *sniff* Arthur seems to be rapidly leaving toddlerhood behind him!), that I haven't really had time to stop and think about Matthew's departure from babyhood much at all. Now he's suddenly SO well established as a toddler, all chatty and toothy and running smoothly, etc. I see a baby against him and he's such a big boy against that baby, nothing like the baby itself.
Definitely time for another, as Shannon pointed out in my comments at my most recent arthursmummy diary entry, haha! ;)
Today I lay in bed trying to force my remaining brain cells (lots haven't made it through 3 pregnancies) to imagine what having Nathan OUTSIDE me might be like. Holding him in my arms, remembering those fuzzy memories of the same with Arthur and Matthew, and trying to sort of copy those onto a new, unknown baby. I can't really do it with my head. It seems strange to me that right now I can't FATHOM what Nathan will look like, be like, smell like, etc - I don't know him at all, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get around that yet. But once he's here, it will seem reeeally strange to remember that I once couldn't fathom who he was or what he'd be like. I remember the same when I was pregnant with Matthew, trying to imagine him and being unable to. And then just soaking myself in his little gaze and making him part of my physical being almost, my heart, once he was here, even in just the first few days. Falling ABSOLUTELY in love with him. And how just a week after I couldn't imagine him, he was SO "known" to my heart and soul that I couldn't imagine feeling the way I had - when I hadn't been able to fathom his little person before I met him.
Anyway. So I have been there, and understand the feeling more this time. And that means I KNOW I will very quickly feel the same way with Nathan, knowing him through and through, as I know my own arm or leg or facial features, and it being super strange that I once couldn't imagine it! It's odd having that fore-knowledge and being at this stage where I can't know yet.
I'm probably talking weirdly and in circles or something! But to my head it's making sense as I type. Sorry if it isn't when you read it!
I need a belly pic for 30 weeks! I'm 30 weeks and 1 day today, and we haven't taken one yet. Tonight I am wearing jeans that should not be stretched around my inflated bottom/hips this many weeks into pregnancy! And I couldn't be bothered to go upstairs and rifle through my chest of drawers in the dark (Arthur sleeps in that room) to get a different pair for a belly pic! I don't want to get all picky about how I look in my belly pics, but trust me, you do NOT want to see my butt in these jeans. No no. I should definitely have put them in the "too-small maternity clothes" box at least a month ago!
Talking of which, I am rapidly running out of maternity trousers that fit! Waaaaay earlier than last time, which in turn was way earlier than the time before. Hmmm! I can't know how much weight I've gained because last time I stepped on the scales (they're digital), they said, "Lo" which bugs me hugely, because it means the battery is too low to bother telling me my weight (how hard can it be to squeeze out a TINY bit more power for one more reading?! Tsk!), and we're not spending any money on extras right now.
Except, ohhhhh, the couple from church who I met in the waiting room at the hospital had a baby boy (FIVE days later, by caesarean section, yikes! Though I hear that she wasn't in labour for five days, they didn't have a bed for a long time and then she didn't respond to induction), and I was on the church rota to make them a meal yesterday. I was just going to double up our meal and take their portion round, but I went to Tesco and bought 2 slices of chocolate brownie cheesecake, just to make it a bit special for them :) Anyway, they called to say they had been at the hospital for an appt that day, and when they got home they found a family member had dropped a meal round, so they wouldn't need me to cook for them! I plan to ask if they'd like a meal next week instead, when all the help will have died down a bit and they might feel like they could use a meal from someone again. But, OH JOY! Those cheesecake slices will not last till next week! What a shame ;) So I ate them. Both! Mwa-ha-ha-haaaa! Neil didn't want his :) We are not buying luxuries like this at the mo due to NO money, so it was a wonderful treat!
Anyway. I do not have a clue about my weight gain. I'm annoyed because I know I checked my weight gain at 28 weeks with the boys, so I wanted to keep up with that this pregnancy for comparison. Tsk! Oh well. I'm guessing it's about 30lbs, because around this stage I seem to have gained roughly 1lb for how many weeks pregnant I am, with my other pregnancies (though, slightly less (a few lbs?) with Matthew). I must gain a TON in the last 10 weeks then, because I always end up 54lbs heavier than when I started by the time I have a baby!
Anyway, so I am running out of jeans that fit. I seem to have a slight difference every pregnancy, in where exactly I gain the most weight, even though I LOOK very similar each time and carry the same, etc. Last pregnancy, I had itching behind my thighs by now, which turned out to be stretch marks appearing, ugh! I didn't have any on my thighs with Arthur, but I hadn't gained as much weight even, that time with Matthew. So it had to be a difference in weight distribution. This time I don't have any bother from stretch marks on my legs (yet - it will happen!), but could that just be because I'm "pre-stretched" and thus not going to get the itchy-skin-that's-about-to-tear thing (how nice!). I HAVE noticed some weird popping sensations in my skin on my bump as I'm holding or carrying Matthew though. I never felt that with my other pregnancies, and I'm not sure what it can be, as I already have lots of stretch marks on my bump, so surely there's nothing new to stretch?! I have also been noticing the odd one of these popping sensations from very early on - even 20 weeks or earlier, but only when holding Matthew and rocking him before bed time, say. Now I'm noticing several pops in my skin in different places, most times that I hold him and rock him at bed time. It feel slightly alarming, like my skin is going to be all raw stretch-marky when I put him down and take a look at my belly, but I am not seeing any changes. Weird. It isn't painful, just "ping-y" and odd-feeling.
I'm not always sure of Nathan's position at the moment. He's generally head down, but once or twice I've felt sure his head has not been in my pelvis, as I have had the odd occasion where he has shoved himself, and suddenly his bottom is much higher than before, sticking right out high up on my right under my ribs, and there's a large HARD uncomfy pressure over my left hip. It feels like he's oblique with his head over there and bottom up on the other side. But although I've felt him do that a few times, it never seems to last long, usually not even a few hours. I'm glad because it's SO uncomfortable on my hip, and that's also my "bad" side of my pelvis so I start to get pelvic pain pretty much straight away. It can't be comfy for him either, come to think of it!
I feel SO much bigger than when I last wrote here at around 28/29 weeks. My bump seems huge just over this last week, and Neil keeps commenting on it. This is my 3rd baby in quick succession, but no way has the novelty worn off! I still just LOVE being pregnant! I still look in the big mirror before bed, run my hand over the curve of my big round baby bump and just stare at it in amazement! I still can't get over the fact that I'm pregnant - I'm carrying and growing a little person in there - I'm going to have a BABY! It's so exciting and surreal, just as much as the first time I did it. I can't believe how blessed I am when I look at my pregnant self in the mirror. It's still sooooo surreal that I'm pregnant with a big bump on my front! Sometimes I feel like I just blinked after getting a positive pregnancy test, and wooooooooaaaaah, there's SUDDENLY a huge bump on my front! ;) But I can't look at my tummy without a huge smile that I can't control, going from ear to ear :) I love being pregnant. Love it, love it, love it.
I could soooooo happily do this as many more times as I'm allowed to (by God? Neil? My body?!). Last night as I looked at my tummy in the mirror before bed and did the grinning/stroking-bump thing, I thought how amazing it was that this was the THIRD time my belly has been stretched out like this with a little person inside, and then I thought how MUCH I want to do this again another three times. More if I can. But another three times is my heart's desire. I pray that things will work out so that I can. I pray that God will let me. Neil is already looking at 8/9 seater minibuses!!!! Hehe! I'm discovering that a good way to encourage him to think (positively) about the possibility of having a LOT of children, is to suggest that he looks at VEHICLES he can drive us all around in, hehehe! This, he loves ;)
I was driving Arthur to Tesco the other day to buy him some toy cars with some of his birthday money (he was SO excited!) - Matthew and Neil were at home. And halfway there, he did this big sigh in his car seat in the back, and I asked what was the matter. He said, "There aren't enough little boys..." I glanced in the mirror and saw him doing a really sad, downcast expression, looking at his hands in his lap! I asked, "Which little boys?" and he said, "Like Arsur and Mashew." I asked, "You mean Mummy and Daddy's little boys?" and he said yes. I said that when Nathan arrived there would be THREE little boys, and that would be plenty! He shook his head sadly and said no, there would not be enough little boys. I asked him, "Do you think Mummy and Daddy should have some more little boys, after Nathan?" and he brightened instantly and said, "Yes!" I said, "How about some little girls, too?" and he said, "Yes!" Funny boy :) I love his enthusiasm over having lots of siblings. He's very young and sometimes I think, well, he's always been enthusiastic about us having more babies, but he's surely so young that he can't really comprehend everything that comes along with that? But he's persistant about it. I'm glad! It echoes my own heart for this family, and his heart for it is very important to me, as he's always going to be the biggest of the big brothers, who will perhaps need to "carry" more than the younger ones in his role? He seems absolutely MADE for the job, and that thrills me! I hope Matthew turns out to be okay with having a younger brother. Time will tell!
What else can I write about the last week or so before I go to bed. I really should get to bed actually. My "habit" of a decent bedtime did not last! Especially with Neil home (oh my goodness, what a BLESSING that has been to me, never mind the no-money aspect!). I lie in LATE in the mornings. I am naturally a night owl and never do as well in the first part of the morning, even after a good night's sleep. So it's always a relief to my body to lie in when I can! It's extra blissful at the moment to sleep during the morning as late as I do now. Neil takes the boys out in the morning for an "energy vent" (!!), usually a lonnnng walk at the park or a run at the swings or something. These are activities I am really really struggling to do with them lately. I am usually exhausted and breathless before we've walked out of the CAR PARK at the park, let alone the rest of the outing! And I can't manage hills at all at the moment. We always have to cut short walks and trips to the swings if it's just me, because I simply don't have the physical whatsit - the stamina, or the energy. I HATE doing that, because they really need their outdoor time and to run and have space and time to burn off energy. They love their long walks, and they love the park. But if I push myself to stay, even standing still for a while, my pulse just races faster and faster, and eventually I start to feel ill and have NO air left and get panicky about how on earth I'm going to get myself back to the car, let alone my kids and the pushchair as well! So, no more outings like that for me. Short ones, but not the long ones that the boys really thrive on. Which is why it's SO wonderful that Neil is out of work right now. He loves taking them to the park and has always been a longer-distance walker than me. Even when healthy and non-pregnant, I could NEVER walk even half the distance that Neil would cover on a casual brisk-paced outing! He walks with the boys till they're tired out and then they come home, which they seem to really benefit from. I'm nervous about when he finds a job and I'm on my own with them again!
I think having Neil around for the last month (already!) has started to make me feel unconfident of my own ability to care for the boys on my own, as I do SO much less of it at the moment. Neil does TONS with them, by choice, and I get to rest as my body is asking (demanding!) me at the moment. This is wonderful! But I am noticing that I'm not too confident in myself to be able to look after them and meet their needs adequately if Neil is suddenly not around. I know I can't do their walks and stuff, not even half of what they are used to and need.
Neil has had a few job interviews lately (all no-gos in the end), and so he's been out for a few hours in the day each time he's had one. Just a few hours! But I'll change two nappies and then be EXHAUSTED! And flop on the sofa. And then get up to discipline a boy, and then be exhausted again just from that, so lie on the floor. And then heave myself up to make lunch, and see that through okay, get the boys cleaned up and down from the table, and then be absolutely too knackered to even take Matthew up for his nap until I've "recovered"! Which is craaazy. I am (naively?) hoping that it's just a patch and my energy will return in a week or so. Because 10 more weeks of this, with Neil (hopefully) in a new job for the latter half of that time is frankly kind of worrisome!
I remember the last few weeks of pregnancy are just THE most exhausting part of the whoooole 9 months. Somehow from 37 weeks, it cranks up a gear. And then from 39.5 weeks (exactly, actually), there's another significant increase in the crushing exhaustion. My brother was chatting to me on the phone when Sarah was at her due date, and he said how she had been finding pregnancy suddenly hard and exhausting just in the last few days. I told him with both my pregnancies that kicked in for me at 39.5 weeks too! Week 40-41 with Matthew was dreadfully difficult, physically. Harder still, ever day that passed. Praise God that I did not have to go any later than 41 weeks to the day! I can't fathom how hard going to 42 weeks must be, never mind the anguish about WHEN IS MY BABY EVER GOING TO TURN UP?!?! Physically it gets so hard once you reach term, and harder each week from then on. My grandparents, bless their sweet hearts, have phoned to let me know they will be around to help if I get desperate in late Jan/early Feb. They always go away somewhere warm and sunny at that time of year because they don't deal so well with British winters now that they're in their 80s. It's just so bleak and cold and raw and bleak by February, and everyone's immune systems are so burnt out. Bleurgh! Why am I having a baby in February again?! Although, *I* am a February baby (21st) and love it! :) There is also the possibility that the boys will have colds or whatnot at that time, which my grandparents can't risk catching really. Oh I hope nobody gives US any lurgies right when I'm having a baby! I will have to add that to my prayers for February...
Anyway. I'm so relieved and touched. I know I will be in desperate need of ANY help by mid-January, especially if Neil is working! My parents haven't set a date for when they'll come yet. They usually come roughly a week before my due date for 2 weeks. They always just stay 2 weeks. Which sounds plenty, but I still feel like it's JUST two weeks! Because Arthur was born after my due date, they didn't come last time till after I turned 39 weeks with Matthew. Which turned out to be fine in the end, since he didn't arrive till 2 weeks later! But I had no idea when he'd arrive so I was really anxious about the timing of it, and their visit. He COULD have come before they arrived. And nearly came after they left! They ended up leaving less than 24 hours after he was born, which made me feel sad and piddled-off at the time. But it was okay, and I was so glad of their help for the 2 weeks before Matthew was born, as they were hard weeks!
I don't know when they'll plan to come over this time, and I'm already feeling kind of anxious about it because yes, yes, so far I have only produced babies 4-7 days after their due dates, but it doesn't mean to say that THIS baby will be born in that timeframe, or even AFTER his due date at all! I think my parents will be planning things around the timing of my last birth, like the time before, and thus won't want to even arrive till like, my due date or something! Which, HOW scary?! We have no other help - birthing help, that is. My grandparents are wonderful to offer help, but there's no way they could look after the boys while I give birth, or be suitable birthing partners! They are really quite frail now, and can't do much with the little ones at all. They can't really get down on the floor with them to play, let alone all the hard physical work that would be involved with lifting them, changing nappies, getting them in and out of chairs for lunch, putting them to bed, etc.
Finally I phoned my brother and asked if he would consider being a back-up in case Nathan comes outside of M & D's "window". He said absolutely, yes! What a wonderful brother! It's the most relieved I've felt about the end of my pregnancy and arrangements for the birth, in all 3 of my pregnancies so far. Now that he's a daddy himself (Thea is six months old already, with teeth and eating food, etc!!!), he and Sarah seem more confident about caring for the boys. They've offered to bring Thea and look after all three, so Neil and I can go out somewhere together in the day sometime without the boys (it's been so long that I can't really imagine that!). I feel more confident about letting the boys loose on them too, because I know they'll be able to handle them. Not that I didn't TRUST their ability before, but because I know they are more able now than they used to be. And they know it too, which helps! It's so lovely that they're so willing!
I have to make a decision about where to give birth. Of course, I want a homebirth like last time. Buuut I have tested positive for Group B Strep this time with a random swab that was taken when I was bleeding early on. I probably was GBS positive the other two times as well, but we don't have routine testing here. Anyway. I am being retested at 36 weeks (no appt yet), and have people praying (as are we!) that it will be negative. It COULD be negative after this length of time, but it's much more likely to still be positive. If it's negative, I will have my homebirth. If it's positive, I have to make a decision. I'm supposed to have 4+ hours of IV antibiotics if I'm GBS positive, while I'm in labour. Which = hospital birth. This does NOT thrill me. The risk is very small to Nathan, but it is there all the same. I have to weigh it up. IV antibiotics have risks of their own, NONE of which I care for. But if something happened to Nathan because I didn't get the IV during labour, I think I would never forgive myself. So, I am beginning to lean towards having a hospital birth and the IV. Bleurgh.
I asked my midwife and she says the midwife-led unit at the local hospital WILL take me with an IV in-situ. They don't take anyone high-risk, and you can't have epidurals or things like that there. So I was worried that I would be stuck with the big, high-risk-in-itself obstetric labour ward as my only option. But apparently not! So I think I might book my birth at the midwife-led unit. I'm anxious that I'll cave while there and beg for an epidural. I don't want one!! I CAN do it naturally, and it feels so worth it afterwards! But by heck it hurts, and hurts SO incredibly much that while I'm there in the midst of it, I can't can't can't take another second of the pain. Without the option of pain relief, I get through it somehow, and have that wonderful power rush and sense of achievement afterwards, and no side-effects or things to remove from my body, etc. I want that again! But I know it's so painful that if I'm aware that it's an option, I will probably cave. So I'm a little anxious about that. If I DO want an epidural in the midwife-led unit, they have to transfer me to the obstetric unit down the hall. Hmmm.
I would so rather be at home!!! BUT, my mum pointed out that the boys would be potentially traumatised if they were around while I was in hard labour or giving birth! And I can't rule out the possibility. Last time I gave birth, I was worried about the timing of it for Arthur (in case he got scared, or I couldn't bear the distraction of him - our house is TINY). And it turned out to be the most perfect timing. Hard labour kicked in RIGHT after he went to bed for the night, and all the wailing and screaming that I surprised myself with (!) occurred as I was actually giving birth (note - NOT pushing Matthew out - I did not push! The wailing was me being scared at the uncontrollable sensation of how he was COMING out so fast, I did not dare to push alongside the speed of my body's own drive to expel him!). Arthur did not wake (miraculously) with all my noise. I guess he was in the perfect stage of sleep to block it out. He woke minutes after Matthew's birth (when I was all serene and quiet and earth-motherly, haha, and you'd never have guessed I was a wailing banshee not moments before!) and came down to see his new baby brother. I just feel like a) things could not possibly be as perfectly timed again, and b) even if the timing is as perfect and I give birth in the night while the boys are sleeping, SURELY they can't both sleep through the kind of noise I'm likely to make! I didn't make any noise at all giving birth to Arthur, but it was a lonnnng process, actively pushing him out - an hour and a half at least, of three pushes per contraction. Very controlled and sane! I am thinking it's entirely possible, having had a FAST birth now, that Nathan could forge his way as fast as Matthew did, without any actual effort on my part (except for the effort of containing myself while my delicate regions feel like they are tearing with how fast they are having to stretch round his head as it descends!). It's the forging thing that makes me noooiiisy. So I'm anxious about doing that in the house with the boys present. I think it would upset them. I'm pretty sure of it. And I am not sure if I will have any control over it. So, with that in mind, and our tiny house in mind too, maybe it would be better to give birth at the midwife-led unit at the hospital? It's very local - only 3 or 4 minutes drive. They are very hands-off there and allow you to labour as you want. The rooms aren't so "clinical", and there are birthing pools - although I've been told that if I have an IV in situ, I can't use them. I don't particularly mind though, as I would prefer to give birth on dry land, personally.
Anyway. I haven't finished deciding what to do. I can leave as soon as I want after giving birth if I'm at the midwife-led unit. But I know that I will feel faint and yeurghy for the first 24 hours, so I have no idea how I'll even make it to the CAR let alone home, that soon afterwards. And I don't want to STAY away from my little boys. I would want to be back with them as immediately as possible after having Nathan. I don't think I will do well with being upright for a while though - that's what happened after Matthew was born, and that was just the effort of being helped upstairs and being bathed by the midwife before being tucked into my own bed! So I'm nervous about how I'll make it home soon enough. I do NOT want to stay in hospital.
Anyway. Bennie says he is happy to come and look after the boys while Neil and I go to the hospital to have Nathan, if it's outside of the time when my parents will be here. He is even happy to stay overnight. I think it will be a DISASTER if I give birth overnight, around bedtime, or first thing in the morning - for the boys. If I'm in hospital that is. Because I know they will be very upset to be without us overnight. They will probably be upset to have to do bedtime without us, and may have issue waking up in the morning without us, possibly. We might be surprised and they'll go to bed and wake up in the morning fine without us there. But they both wake in the night still, and want reassurance of our presence, and resettling, however brief and simple. Arthur "sleeps through" and has for ages, but he is quite a restless sleeper and wakes a lot some nights, seeming unhappy or anxious, and wanting reassurance that we're there, or some gentle patting on his back for a moment. Matthew wakes and needs me to rock him for a moment, and then put him down again. Both breastfeed at bedtime. I think those aspects would be very upsetting for them if they found us not there, even if they knew and trusted the person who was with them instead. So it worries me. I don't think there's a way around it. I just desperately don't want the experience to end up being a negative one, which will forever be associated with Nathan's arrival for them.
But it's a HUGE relief to know that Bennie will be available. He has no issues with work, because my dad is his boss, hehe ;) I'm sure he'll be understanding if Bennie has to look after the boys while his daughter gives birth to his third grandson, instead of going to work that day! :) I told Bennie I was worried about the boys at night, and he said it will be fine. He said the worst that can happen is nobody will get any sleep, and he can handle that. What a wonder-brother! :)
Anyway I haven't finished deciding quite yet. I just hope it all works out okay for EVERYONE concerned. I don't want to be worrying while I'm in labour, that everyone's not okay!
WOW I am rambly this entry! It's so long now and soooooooo crazy late, that I will have to stop right away and go to bed, even if there was a ton of stuff I hadn't written yet. I'll try to get Neil to take a belly pic tomorrow or the next day, and when I post that I'll write another entry (I hope!) with any other bits I've forgotten. Like Nathan's stats. And his hiccups! :)
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