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2006-02-04 - 11.05pm��previous entry��next entry
22 weeks, 3 days - starting to buy things for Matthew!
Phew, an update at last!!!
Thank you all SOOOO much for the lovely messages of congrats after my scan!! I am so glad everyone seems to like my new baby boy's name too (though that shouldn't matter to me at all, right?!)! Julie, we will call him Matthew. I am sure it will get shortened to something eventually but I particularly like the full name so we'll definitely use that. I am not crazy about Matt at all, never have been, though that's the most likely name he'll end up with at school!
So we have told everyone now in our family - oh, except we still haven't been able to get hold of Neil's sister (the one who had baby Ella in June), so unless Neil's mum has told her over the phone sometime (which I will be really annoyed about if she has!), she still doesn't know. Everyone loves Matthew's name and Neil's mum got weepy when Neil told her his full name, with his dad's name as the middle name :) I know she will have told Neil's dad straight away. I don't know if she'll be able to tell us what his reaction was because he doesn't have the ability to make facial expressions or communicate any more. I think he will be really pleased inside though! We still need to send the ultrasound pictures to some of the family though. My parents have them and they LOVE them! The first thing they said to me was that Matthew is definitely another *our surname* (ie he looks like his daddy for sure). They said it's amazing how clearly you can already see it! They wondered if I would ever have one who looks like me, hehe! I can see both of us in Arthur, but Matthew... it's way too early because we haven't even seen him in the flesh yet, but so far he looks soooo like Neil, it's uncanny. My parents also noted Matthew has Neil's mouth and nose, which was one of the first things that I noticed at the scan too.
I have had a weird week. I was semi-prepared for a big huge downer after the scan, as I have had that happen before. It's just a big anti-climax after so much waiting and excitement. I'm just a little kid really, that's all! ;) After the buzz of the "I've had my scan!!" high, there always seems to be a come-down for a few days.
This time I was REALLY depressed and miserable the day after the scan. And the next day wasn't the best either. I tried to focus on the fact that it was probably just the after-scan downer (!) with a crazy surge of hormones thrown in for good measure (judging by the enormous irrational crying bouts I had!). But underneath I felt scared and guilty, because deep down I was aware of this.... feeling. One that I didn't have after Arthur's scan. With Arthur, I was 110% thrilled that he was a boy. With Matthew, not quite so high a percentage, I feel guilty and ashamed to say. I AM totally thrilled that he is a boy, and the only baby I want right now is MATTHEW. But somehow, completely seperate to that, I feel a sense of sadness that I am not having a girl. It's definitely fading off now, and I expected that it would. I also know I will very soon get so that I can't imagine I ever WANTED a girl this time around, I will be so content and focused on my boys! But I just feel so guilty for feeling the way I have been all the same.
So I haven't written for a while. I didn't want to write how I was feeling when I was feeling it. I am increasingly excited about having two little boys now, and forgetting all about the possibility of a daughter that was a little hope in my mind before the scan. I mean, I always WAS excited about having two boys. But it's weird. It's like I can feel one thing and also the other, even though they should clash. They don't though. They just feel like completely seperate issues to my mind. I wouldn't swap Matthew for ANY baby girl! :)
The only thing I feel slightly bummed about still (and ashamed, again), is that it means that NEXT pregnancy I am very likely to be desperate to have a girl. I love how so far I have been just thrilled to have a BABY and not that focused on whether it's a boy or a girl. It has felt like a win-win situation, whichever sex the baby is. I fear that next time I am going to want to TRY for a girl, and HOPE for a girl all the way through. Then what if it isn't a girl? I don't even want to think about the mess of that kind of emotional situation, let alone DO it. I never wanted to be hung up on what sex my babies would be, but I feel like I'm really going to want to have a little girl after my two boys. That puts pressure on where I just don't want/need it. Pfthth.
By all accounts, Matthew had a hugely increased chance of being a girl, given our parsnips timing! In fact, according to the stats on how long male sperm live, Matthew was a pretty amazing sperm! He must have lived longer in there than they say boy sperm can live, so he has really beaten the odds! It also confirms my earlier thoughts about Neil's sperm count still being really high. Which is GOOD. But, more boys than girls ;)
It's so weird that I am already thinking about the next pregnancy and the next baby. Not because of any of my feelings about THIS one - I even have a boy's name picked out for next time for if it's a boy! I just LOVE pregnancy so much and although I am only halfway through this current one, I can't seem to help feeling eager and excited about another go, hehe! I'm crazy though, so that may have something to do with it.
I love this stage of my family. I love the feeling of relaxation over (hopefully) not being anywhere near the end of my pregnancy/birth experiences yet. Like, I'm loving this pregnancy, I loved the last one, and I'm excited to think about the next one without the feeling that it's going to be my last one. I feel like I am at the peak of the perfect in-the-middle stage of having babies! :) It is so much fun! I am slightly dreading the time (which will be here before I know it, probably) when I realise it's the last pregnancy, or the last time TTC, or the last "will it be a boy or a girl?", and the feeling of, "could I have already had my last son/daughter?". I don't even like to think about that day! I feel I could just keep having babies for as long as my body will churn out eggs! Hehe! ;) I sooooo hope Neil will not put his foot down and say NO at any point!
Anyway. I'm getting rather off-track! I am also getting kind of peckish for some toffee ice-cream... mmmm! So without a care in the world about my weight gain (since that would just suck all the fun out of everything!), I am just going to nip downstairs and get some ice-cream. Then I'll be right back :)
Back! I am on such a sweet food thing right now. I LOVE my savoury meals when I am actually eating them, but I always just feel like eating desserts for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I don't, of course! But I loooove my sweet foods right now! I eat chocolate every day. Matthew is therefore guaranteed to be another very smiley baby, as Arthur is, according to that Finnish study on chocolate consumption in pregnancy and its affect on how smiley/laughing your baby is afterwards! Such a funny study, but weird how clear the results were! And very true for Arthur, so I'm sure Matthew will be a real smiler too :)
I am feeling great these days! My bump is getting a lot bigger and it aches as I get up from the sofa and things, so I have to hold it as I stand. My pelvis is beginning to feel generally uncomfortable going upstairs and carrying Arthur, but I am surprised how I have got this far in my pregnancy with so little discomfort, given that I'm lugging Arthur about a lot still. I often feel too tired to pick him up when he asks now, and tell him so, which he does NOT like, but there we have it. I never mention the pregnancy or the baby when I tell him I can't do such-and-such that he wants. I read that it's a bad move as the little one can associate what they're missing out on with the new baby. I know when I was two and my mummy was pregnant and feeling too sick or exhausted to meet my (rather high!) demands, I knew full well that it was because of "the baby" and resented him from that point onwards. We had a baaaad relationship for the whole time we lived at home. So I try to tell Arthur I am just feeling tired or sleepy or I distract him with something else and don't even approach the subject.
I was meant to do a belly picture for 22 weeks, but I'm 22.5 weeks already and we haven't found time to take one. And there's another one due at 24 weeks, which is only like 10 days away. So I think I will have to miss the 22 week photo out this time. Otherwise the late 22 week photo and the 24 week photo will be too samey! My belly has definitely grown a lot since the last photo though. It itches sometimes in the evenings now, like the skin is too tight. My old stretch marks itch especially - not the big ones over my hips (those aren't bothering me at all yet), but the very faint ones that appeared on my bump like the WEEK before Arthur was born! I guess those are the ones that are being stretched a bit at the moment, with the front of my bump growing so fast. I can see them a little more clearly than between the two pregnancies, but that will be because they are being stretched out a bit, not because they are getting any worse yet. I hope they won't get any worse, but we'll just have to see.
I need to put this ice-cream back in the freezer. Or I will eat it ALL. And then feel sick ;) Back in a mo.
Okay, where was I? Oh my belly. The top of my uterus comes to a cm or so above my belly button now. Today Matthew gave me some REALLY hard kicks up at the top of my womb, and I guess they must have just been to the side of my placenta because I could feel them ultra clearly, even though they were up there. Anyway, I could see and feel that little foot bulging through with each kick TWO INCHES above my belly button! He must have been kicking my womb into a whole new shape, outside of where it normally stops, hehe! Yesterday when I was nursing Arthur in bed, Matthew was actually hurting me with some sharp pokey things pushing me hard in the side of my bump. I am pretty sure they were either hands or elbows (or both), as they felt so tiny and sharp! He was pushing because I was leaning that part of my bump into the mattress slightly, and I have noticed he REALLY doesn't like anything squashing his space! Arthur didn't either, but Matthew seems more picky about that than Arthur did.
It's so fun to be able to tell which part of my baby is poking me these days! I can clearly tell foot from hand when there's a thump or a poke. Those feet are getting so big! I had my hand on my bump when he was kicking me hard and my belly was throwing out all sorts of bulges and shapes, and when he kicked me right on my hand, I could actually feel his foot for a split second before he snatched it back again. It felt maybe an inch to 1.5 inches long, at a rough guess. Which I think must be vaguely accurate for now. What tiny feet!!! I can't get my head round the fact that one day they are going to be hairy and WAY bigger than mine, hehehe!
I am all excited today because I have started to try and figure out what things I will need to get for Matthew's arrival! I haven't really put pen to paper on it yet, and we have a serious overhaul to do of Arthur's baby clothes and nappies, etc, before I can really see what we'll need. BUT, I do know that because it will be full summer for Matthew's first 2 or 3 months, even a poxy British summer will have its hot days, and he will definitely need some cute short rompers or short dungaree sets, etc. Arthur had none of those being a November baby. So I was sooooo excited to finally go to eBay yesterday evening and start searching for newborn summery things, and the same in size 0-3 months!!! Yay! It feels like I NEED to shop for a few things that are just for Matthew. It makes me feel more focused on him somehow, than if I just pulled out a load of Arthur's old things for him and that was that. I'm glad he is going to be born at the opposite time of year to Arthur, for that reason!
So today I am hoping to win a couple of very cute little summer shortie things in size newborn and 0-3 months. I am not going to buy him anything in size "tiny baby" like I did with Arthur. For one thing, if he IS that small (that size fits up to 7.5/8lbs) then we already have some popper vests with short sleeves and sleepsuits in that size from the stash I bought for Arthur. And he wouldn't be that size for long. Arthur was 8lbs 1.5oz at birth (to our amazement!!!) but he just about fitted the tiny baby clothes over his first week. By the end of that week he was definitely too small for them, but the newborn sizes (up to 10lbs) were baggy on him. So I won't buy tiny baby stuff for Matthew, although there is some basic stuff there if he is swamped in the newborn stuff for the first week or so. I can't imagine it will be exactly roasting hot here in the first week of June! So I'm sure we'll be fine.
I can't remember how long Arthur fitted the newborn size.... I think maybe just two or three weeks? But those could be hot weeks, so I need summery stuff that we don't yet have. Yay! I get to shop! I will only shop at eBay. I did soooo much of Arthur's clothes shopping at eBay last time (and still am - I have a bid on some 12-18 month dungarees at the moment, since he's finally tolerating the shoulder straps now that he's walking - I love him in dungarees!) and wouldn't change a THING. I can't fathom going out to buy new stuff when it's all sitting there at eBay, used like 3 times (if you shop carefully and find nearly new stuff) and with way more choice of designs than you'd find in any one shop. I heart eBay! I am so excited to be browsing the newborn section of the baby boy clothes bit again! It feels like ages since I was browsing there :)
Ooooh oooh, talking of eBay - guess what?!!!! I won a Jane Powertwin tandem pushchair!!!!!! Woohoo!! It is next to new, the exact same 2005 model design (and colour) that we test-drove last weekend in the shop, and I got it for �285 (it's �400 new)!!! Yaaaaay! We don't HAVE �285 but my parents just said to add it to the loan, since we really need a double pushchair for when Matthew arrives, and the Jane Powertwin is the ONLY one that suits all our needs - it would be an expensive one, wouldn't it! The previous owners are delivering it to our door TOMORROW!!!! I am so excited!! Of course it will go in the loft for 4 months once we've been all excited over it for a while and put Arthur in it and pushed it around, etc. We haven't got any space to keep it in the house till June, so it has to go in the loft. But YAY, the main big buy is done and crossed off the list! And I've saved money too! :)
What else can I report for this past week before signing off to go to bed? I have had a bad bout of IBS this week, the first for a few weeks I think. I hate those, they are soooooooooo painful! But at least they aren't overly frequent at the moment. I weighed myself about a week ago I think, and I was 9 stone exactly, slightly less than I expected. Though that might possibly have had to do with the IBS (and associated evacuation, mmm!) the night before. I also figured out something else that hadn't occurred to me before (hope I haven't already said this last entry or something!) - I have been counting my weight gain from my lowest weight so far this pregnancy - 8st 3lbs, which I went down to from my pre-pregnancy weight of 8st 7.5lbs when I was morning sick. But last pregnancy I counted my weight gain from my pre-pregnancy weight, even though I lost 12lbs with morning sickness and gained it back again. Hmmm. So if I do the same for this pregnancy, ignoring the 1st trimester weight loss, I have gained only about 8lbs so far this pregnancy! Compared with 16lbs at this same stage last time, I think. Which is only half the weight! I had always thought I was gaining the same amount, pretty much, at the same rate, but it seems I am gaining quite a bit less! I'm really pleased, because I don't want to gain 54lbs again this pregnancy! I am not going to watch my diet too carefully though, just eat what I feel like eating (like tonight!) so who knows, maybe I'll pack on the lbs yet? But I'm glad to have only gained 8lbs so far :)
Matthew has woken up and is giving me these cute delicate little knocks that he usually starts with before going to full-blown WALLOPS, hehe! I am really bonding with my sweet boy these days, well, these last couple of days anyway. I love that I'm past the "after scan blues"! I knew it would only be a few days, maybe a week, but I'm glad I'm there now :) I hate being down about ANYTHING during pregnancy, because pregnancy is such a blessing so I always feel bad if I'm down about any part of it. I prefer to feel on cloud 9 all the time! I love it when that comes naturally and is easy!
I keep wondering about Matthew. What he'll be like. The things we can't see from the scan. What kind of personality will he have? Will he be completely different to Arthur, or similar? What colour eyes and hair will he have? Any child we have could easily have red hair, and I remember wondering if Arthur would. We have lots of redheads on both my side and Neil's side of the family, and my hair shines very ginger in the sun. I would love a red-haired little one! All the more so for seeing Nathan! :) I checked a genetic eye-colour site recently, and was surprised to find that I must have inherited a brown-eyed gene from my mum (my dad has blue eyes, and my mum brown eyes - my brother has very brown eyes too). I have always had grey eyes with a hazel ring around the pupil. I like my eyes because they are a little unusual that way. They aren't dark like Arthur's though. They have a dark ring of blue round the outside, then light grey, then hazel. Sometimes the hazel ring seems bigger and my eyes look actually hazel or green, and other times the hazel ring seems to almost disappear and my eyes look a soft grey-blue. It's weird! So I figured if I had grey/blue to my eyes then I couldn't have the brown gene, as it's dominant. But apparently I could have the brown-eyed gene and also have inherited something that "switches off" the brown colour in that gene - weird! So I would have a brown gene to pass on. Neil has blue eyes, just blue, no rings or "maybe" colours! So before Arthur, I figured we'd be overwhelmingly likely to produce blue-eyed children, or maybe grey. I was so surprised to see rings and patches of such a deep brown in Arthur's dark grey eyes!
Anyway, I checked this chart, and apparently we have a 3 in 6 chance of producing another BROWN-eyed baby - yay! And then a 2 in 6 chance of a baby with GREEN eyes! And then the remaining 1 in 6 would be blue. Quite the opposite to what I expected! But I'm thrilled to have all those exciting and beautiful possibilities, and absolutely no way of knowing which it will be till I stare into my baby's eyes and watch the colour settle over the months! I love that. I do love blue eyes (well, I love ANY colour really), but I admit I felt like it was a bit boring of us if we only expected a bunch of kids with predictably blue eyes! I liked how my parents had a chocolate-brown eyed baby and another with such mixed colours :) And blue is still a possibility in the mix. So I'm thrilled! I wonder what colour Matthew's eyes will be? They could be completely different to Arthur's. Or similar. It's so much fun to think of these things!
I still have zero milk and if I have any colostrum yet, I'm not noticing it. I keep checking for it, but I never notice a leaking sensation, I never find anything when Arthur nurses (and if anything would draw it out, THAT would!), and can never express anything. So I am still waiting :) I can't wait to get my colostrum! I am eager to have something there for Arthur when he nurses (which he still does frequently), and see what he thinks of it! Apparently I should watch out for his poo changing back to yellow and seedy like a newborn's when my colostrum comes in! How funny that will seem when it happens!
My breasts are still really sore, and it still hurts to nurse, but I can manage 10-20 minutes at the moment (switching sides a few times) which is better than it has been.
I changed the links for Sprout at the side to Matthew :) And replaced a couple of blinkies, and added a few more about how I'm having a BOY!!!!! Yay! I LOVE the blinkies I have come across that say I love my sons or I love my two boys :) I am saving the cute one saying, "I love my two boys" for when Matthew is born :) I can't believe I am going to be a mummy of TWO boys!!! I feel so blessed :) I boxed up the girlie nappy fabrics and the few girlie nappies that I had made before Arthur and brought down from the loft a few months ago. They are best out of sight now! I am so happy to be having Matthew, that I don't want stuff to remind me of any remnant feelings of "oh but when will I have my little girl?....". Those feelings are irrelevant and unhelpful for now! I will revisit them in a year or two, hehe! ;)
Right. I am off to browse eBay for cutie Matthew clothes before going to bed :) I'll TRY to update again sooner next time! Thanks so much again for all the lovely messages! xxx
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