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2009-06-24 - 11.00pm��previous entry��next entry
38 weeks tomorrow!! Yikes!
I really have NO time to update, but felt I must all the same!
I am 38 weeks pregnant tomorrow, it is just unbelieveable!! Just two weeks till my due date. Fourteen days. Sooooo little time, and we're SO NOT READY!!!! Aaaargh!
I had a midwife appointment last week at 37 weeks and 2 days which went well. The midwife was one I hadn't met yet, and turned out to be someone from my brother's class at infants' school!! I recognised her name and asked her, and once she was told my maiden name, she knew I was "Bennie's sister", hehe! How funny! She's ever so nice and SUCH a competent midwife! I feel quite proud of her, in an odd way!
Anyway, my blood pressure was fine and lowish, which is normal for me. I had two + of leukocytes in my urine which I actually had at the consultant appointment the previous Friday as well, hmmm. Unfortunately I peed directly on the stick for the midwife so she didn't have a sample to send away for testing. I have no particular symptoms of a bladder infection so I'm hoping it's nothing, or just contamination. I have a lot more CM lately, a LOT more, so I guess it could be. I have no protein, blood, or sugar though, which is good! :)
Baby Benjamin Bean was wiggly and active, with a good healthy heartrate. She said he felt somewhat posterior because most of his limbs were facing my tummy, but she could feel part of his back so he's not totally back-to-back. Also she recorded his head as 4/5 palpable again. I am just not settled with the idea of him floating freely so high up out of my pelvis all the time at this stage, so I am glad that at least the TIP of his head wasn't palpable due to it being in my pelvis! ;)
The midwife talked to me a little about the Group B Strep thing, and said they would presume I will be going into hospital to the midwife-led unit to give birth, UNLESS I phone them to tell them I have definitely decided to have a homebirth. She was so nice. She said obviously it's what they must recommend, but they'll support me in whatever decision I make.
And I just can't make it!!! Aaaaargh! I still can't decide, and time is ticking by. I feel a bit frantic about it, to be honest, but I seem to be having a time of feeling anxious and a bit frantic and unsettled and vulnerable at the moment, which is not so fun. I just don't feel comfortable at all with being this pregnant, or with labour around the corner, or anything. I feel quite anxious about the whole thing, and don't know how to calm myself down. It bothers me at night and during the day, and I'm just NOT looking forward to going into labour, and feeling fidgetty about when that might be. Which isn't like me really, when it comes to getting ready for my babies to be born. But yeah. I'm praying such a lot about it, but I guess even that is in a sort of anxious and frantic way, and I am really not feeling God's presence or hearing his voice when I pray, which is making for yet more flappery! *sigh* I need to just have some peace, and I can't seem to find it.
The boys are extremeably difficult at the moment, and very exhausting, and the house is in a DREADFUL state, and the to-do list is so long and so very UN-checked-off, and we just have no time left to do it! Weekends melt away into nothingness, in a blur of noise and stress and exhaustion re. the small boys we are responsible for (!!), and we just have nothing left to DO anything in preparation! I stayed up late on Sunday night getting as much sorting and packing done in my bedroom as I could, to make it a little bit clearer for potentially giving birth in, and for bringing Benjamin home to otherwise, but I felt really ill afterwards and got overheated and nauseous, and have been so exhausted since. And it's still not in ANY sort of state for the whole giving birth/bringing a baby home to thing!!! It's stressing me out.
I keep thinking this next weekend coming up might be our LAST one to prepare, and we just can't seem to get things done, such is the demand on our time and energy from the little ones, and my need to REST when I have somebody else available to watch the boys. I'm so very very exhausted all the time lately. I spend quite a bit of time just flaked out on the sofa while the boys play or watch a movie, or play in the garden even, and my eyes just won't stay open. I have to get up or snap out of it VERY frequently (like every 30 seconds sometimes) to settle disputes or discipline somebody for behaviour that is just WAY out of line. They are so very trying at the moment, and I just feel too exhausted to deal with it most of the time. I worry a bit about how on earth to cope if it continues (as it's sure to, really) after Benjamin's arrival when my exhaustion will take on a whooooole new depth and consistency! ;) And I'll have the hormones on top, and I just worry about postnatal depression, since I have a little history. I can't fathom how to cope with the way they're behaving lately, and recovering from birth, sleep deprivation, and hormones on top :S It is making me anxious.
I'm also worried I will not have the energy I need for actual labouring and giving birth at this rate! Urgh.
So much to stress over. I'm trying not to but it's just defeating me lately, for some reason.
This morning when I woke up, I did what I usually do and checked Benjamin's position, lying on my back. I can always feel his head VERY high in the morning, usually even above hip level sometimes!!! He's always higher in the morning after a night of lying in bed, than after I've got up for the day. THIS morning I could not feel the tip of his head - I would say he was 4/5 palpable like when the midwife felt his position last week, but that surprised me given that it was first thing after a night's sleep. So I was telling Neil about that this evening and right then and there decided to lie down on the sofa and check where his head is now. I can feel his back to my right side, and a knee sticking out at the front on my left, so I guess he's lateral rather than posterior right now (lying with his back to my side, not his back to my back). But, I could not feel his head for a good while. At all! I started to wonder if he had somehow flipped around, but it was definitely his bottom at the top, so I felt a little more deeply like the midwives tend to (uncomfortable!). I think I can feel a bit of a little hard head very low, but there's no roundness to it, and I can only feel like a couple of cm at best before I can't prod any further into my pelvis. Sooooo, I wondered aloud (in disbelief!) if maybe he has gone down into my pelvis today or something. Neil asked me to stand up and said that my belly DOES look different, like it's smaller or something. I don't have a full-length mirror to look in any more because we took down ours when we moved furniture recently, in case the boys pulled it off the wall and got injured. So I can't really say. I will check upstairs in the mirror when I go to bed - I can see my bump better in that one. And I'll check where his head is again in the morning.
But it makes me NERVOUS if he's suddenly engaged at last! When I would only ever have been EXCITED about that in the past. I'm nervous. Because it means things are moving along, and he's getting ready to be born. I was an easy 1-2cm at 35 weeks when I checked, and my cervix was soft and stretchy, with no hint of a head anywhere near it. With his head on that kind of a cervix, I could get dilating and effacing pretty quickly, who knows! I'm not checking my cervix again, much as I'm curious, because I don't want to risk introducing GBS to my cervix or uterus.
Anyway. Benjamin should be getting on for 7lbs in weight around now! Or between 6.5lbs and 7lbs anyway, but probably nearer 7lbs if he is like 2 out of his 3 brothers! ;) Neil got down the boxes of baby clothes from the loft, and we found the hooded towels and grobags and terry towels, which was a BIG relief to my type-A self to get sorted! I have been going through the clothes (sooooo tiny and cute!!!!) and sorting them since the weekend. We have way too many so I'm giving the few I can part with away, and have put all the wintery clothes back in the boxes to be stored away. There's no point in those in July! ;) The rest I have washed (all but a few that are waiting for a dark wash) and dried and folded. I picked the sleepsuits and hats for the "labour" bag, and I've put some of the rest away but there isn't enough storage space for Benjamin's clothes yet, as we haven't put into place the storage that we planned yet. Another thing I MUST get done before he arrives, and can't see a way to do it in time!!
I washed all the terries (more than 2 dozen!) which we use as burp cloths. We quickly discovered that our babies bring up WAY more milk than can be dealt with using a flimsy little muslin cloth! ;) Terries are GREAT, and I seem to recall we easily go through a dozen just in one evening and night together, never mind the day time, in the first 5 or 6 months! Anyway, so those are washed and dried and piled in the bedroom. Grobags are also washed and ready, because that's apparantly the easiest thing to use with the Amby Hammock, though I'm not sure if we'll just use little sheets and blankets well tucked-in instead. We'll see. It might be too warm for either of those things too.
I packed my "hospital bag" which I prefer to call the labour bag in case I'm actually not going to hospital at all! ;) I did some of it on Sunday, and a little more on Monday. I have almost everything in it that I need, except for things we're still using like mobile phone, money, camera, etc. And I haven't packed any snacks or drinks, or any clothes for Benjamin yet. I have packed disposable nappies, but I want Neil to get the newborn cloth nappies down from the loft (if he can find them!) too. I have picked out some of the clothes to pack for the baby, but haven't actually packed them in the bag yet. I've checked my TENS machine and put new batteries in, and packed that! And all the toiletries and clothes for me, etc. Which is another big relief to have done! If I have a homebirth, the bag will be just as useful because Neil or Heather can just go and get whatever I need and find it all in one place, ready. So I always have a bag packed even if I have a homebirth planned. If I end up having to transfer then it's ready to go with us, with everything I need as well. So I'm glad to have that nearly complete too!
I weighed myself at 37 weeks and I weighed 11 stone and 13lbs which surprised me. That puts my total weight gain at about 42lbs, give or take a lb, for 37 weeks. I usually gain 55lbs (give or take a lb, but that's all!) by the time I give birth, so I think this is less than usual for me. Of course, I did have the 5 days of diarrhoea and didn't eat much in that time, so maybe it's just that I haven't picked up what I lost yet from that? Or maybe I will have 3 weeks of heavy weight gain to come?! ;) Anyway, I feel happy about the fact that I haven't gained as much. 42lbs is still plenty, but I never felt comfortable about getting near 13 stone by the end of pregnancy. It's waaaaay too heavy for my frame and I struggle with it physically. I've done 12 stone before and that's much more manageable I think! Still heavy for my frame, but better! I reckon I'll get to 50lbs total weight-gain though, unless Benjamin comes soon.
Neil and I did pray about when Benjamin might be born. As we started to pray I felt absolutely convinced about the date, June 30th, which surprised me. I prayed that if that was of God, he will give me clear confirmation, because otherwise I could so easily have manufactured that in my own thoughts and I really don't know if it's true or not. It surprised me because I'd be 38 weeks and 6 days on June 30th, and that's not my usual time to go into labour. We've had no confirmation of it since, so I'm not hanging onto that at all, but we are keeping the date in mind and trying to make sure we're more ready by then! June 30th is NEXT TUESDAY people!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!! Even if he doesn't come till my due date or thereafter, that's still only THE WEEK AFTER NEXT!!!!!! Yipes! I feel so unprepared, and so not ready, and so weirdly anxious about the first sensation that my body is contracting and going into labour. I feel a sense of dread about the whole process of labouring and the PAIN and the anxiety and so on. I wish I could shake it. It's so not like me really, and it feels such a shame that I'm now feeling this way about labour and birth towards the end of my pregnancy, when I never used to feel that way in previous pregnancies. I so want to be FRIENDS with labour and birth, and look forward to it excitedly like I used to.
Anyway. This has turned into the usual long waffle (quelle surprise!), so I must go to bed now! I need to get a belly picture tomorrow for 38 weeks - I still can't believe I've reached 38 weeks!!! That's sooooooooo pregnant! ;)
What else, just before I go?? I have no new stretch marks. My front-of-bump ones from Matthew are stretched to the max or near enough, as they were with Nathan. My hip and side ones from Arthur are really not looking much stretched out at all, weirdly. That was the same last time too, with Nathan. I have a few behind my thighs just above my knees (so pretty), but those are not stretched out either, which is good! It's mostly the front of my bump that is stretched this time, like the last 2 pregnancies. Hopefully I won't get any new ones! This boy is bigger already than the last little person to occupy my womb!
I told Arthur that Benjamin can hear his voice through my tummy and will recognise his voice after he's born. Arthur looked delighted and has been talking to Benjamin an inch or so from my bump ever since! He talks A LOT and is doing no less for Benjamin! ;) Tonight at bedtime he told Benjamin that we've got a car seat for him that's going in the aqua C8 car, and that the weather is hot but we've got an air conditioner that will keep him cool, but that he hopes Benjamin likes being warm better than being cold, because he likes that and he wants Benjamin to be like him :) He went on for ages about all manner of random stuff until I had to actually interrupt and tell him it was time for sleep! He's so sweet. He loves his little brothers. He said that he thinks Benjamin will be like Nathan to him, which I presume to mean that he'll be a little brother that Arthur loves and wants to look after and "squidge" (cuddle!) a lot, and talk to. He is so very sweet towards Nathan and loves to cuddle him even when Nathan is feeling way too active for a cuddle! He's excited about Benjamin's arrival, and asks often when he's coming - will he come this week?!?! Today?!?! Tomorrow?!?! Etc! ;)
Matthew pronounces Benjamin's name differently all the time, as though he's trying to get to grips with it. It has been Beh-min, Beh-ma-mim, and Beh-jim-jim recently! I guess it's more of a mouthful than the two-syllabled names we've had so far for our children! He seems less clear about Benjamin, in terms of understanding that he's in there and he'll be here soon, and when he's coming, etc. I hope he'll be okay. He was FINE with Nathan's arrival, absolutely wonderful. But so was Arthur when Matthew was born, and yet Arthur had difficulties when Nathan arrived. So Matthew may be that way now that it's his turn to be 3 and have a new sibling! It's so easy when they're still one and become a big brother, seriously. I think Nathan will be fine, and have high hopes for Arthur now he's older than 4 and a half, but I have some nagging worries about little Matthew-Binks. I hope all will go well!
Okay, that's definitely all! I will update again soon. I have a midwife appointment on Thursday (at home, phew!) at 38w1d, and no plans to meet up with my doula again yet, but we should be arranging that soon or at least talking on the phone to discuss stuff. I NEED TO DECIDE on the whole antibiotics/birthplace thing!!! I have read a very interesting and well-researched article that Heather gave me when she came round, that has got me thinking I might actually refuse antibiotics altogether and just stay at home and give birth, and watch for other risk factors on the way (like fever during labour). I don't know. I wish I could decide CLEARLY and have peace about it!!! I'm running out of time! :S
Will update soon, and add a belly photo when I get one done!
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