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2004-10-20 - 12.20pm��previous entry��next entry
37 weeks, 5 days - tired, moody and busy
Thanks for all the lovely guestbook entries and emails!! I�m still sooo behind on the emails, so please forgive me for not replying to them yet! Thanks Katie for pointing out that Arthur�s jumping at loud noises could be his Moro reflex! I�m excited that he�s developing all these �newborn� things!! :) Although, isn�t the Moro reflex the one where they�re startled by being momentarily dropped backwards? Maybe I�ve got that mixed up with something else? Also thanks for the comments on my photos! :) Mia (you are not the Mia I thought you were, hehe!), thanks for asking about photos of Neil. I have never put any here because there�s only 2 of us and he�s always the one behind the camera! But I�m so glad you mentioned it because it�s made me realise that we don�t have any photos of Neil getting ready for Arthur during this pregnancy, and that would be a huge shame when we look back on this pregnancy over the years. So I told Neil we have to get some pictures of him before the baby arrives! I will post one or two here when I take them, so you can all see what he looks like! :)
Well let�s see, what is happening? I am nesting like craaaazy. I mean, seriously. I had no idea it would be like this � I really thought I was too lazy to be affected by any sort of nesting instinct, hehe! I open the freezer to see if we have something or other for dinner, and within about 15 seconds I have forgotten about dinner and am on my knees with a cloth and some cleaner, freezer drawers and their contents scattered all around me, scrubbing out the back and the floor of the freezer!! Then I have to wash each of the drawers in the sink and restock the freezer, before I can even think about dinner again. Every time I open anything to look for something it happens. Yesterday morning when I had a wash, I realised I had run out of deodorant, so I went to the biiig tall cupboard where I usually stash replacement stuff, to see if there was a spare one. There was, but before I even got dressed I had to take every item out of that cupboard, throw out the old vacuum that�s been sitting in there for ages, store the new vacuum away neatly, clean each of the shelves, and sort and organise all the bottled stuff into categories before storing them neatly on the shelves (in their aforementioned categories)!! The other day it was the medicine cupboard. I went looking for something or other. Now it�s clean, I have a whole shopping bag full of expired medications (!!) to get rid of, and all the medicines and dressings and vitamins are packed in the cupboard in categorised tupperware tubs. It is driving me absolutely crazy that I can�t find any sticky labels to label the tubs with. Completely unnecessary, but I can�t tell you how distracted I am about it! I neeeed to label things. Why is there no shop ANYWHERE that sells decent-sized sticky labels these days?!! They are all like 3cm by 1cm, which is completely useless. Tsk.
I made three covers for Arthur�s changing mat! So that�s checked off the list now. I made them out of thick flannel with cute prints on, sort of like pillowcases. If they get poo or wee on them, I�ll just throw them in the wash with the dirty nappies and put a clean cover on. I think three is enough (I hope!). I also sewed a ton of maternity pads yesterday, but I still have a lot of PUL/fleece pockets to make, since most of my sewing was making inserts. I tidied the huge stash of fleece fabric that I have, and I�m thinking maybe I will transfer the knit and flannel fabrics to the bottom shelf of the changing station, because then I can put the nappies and wipes on the shelves that the fabric is currently on. That would be better because it�s right next to the changing station, and those shelves are at my chest-height, which I think is better than having to look/reach down below Arthur�s level to find nappies and wipes when I�m changing him. Anyway, just thinking�. I can�t rest very well these days because I have a billion thoughts about organising and tidying rushing round my head all the time.
I am down to one body-length maternity pillow in bed now, because I found a tiny rip in one of them, and it�s spilling teeny tiny polystyrene balls everywhere so I can�t use it till I repair it. I usually sleep with a full-length body pillow on each side of me, but I have to say, I slept soooo great the first night with just one pillow. I had more room and it seemed to help me sleep better or something. Weirdly, after that great sleep I was more tired than I�ve been for AGES during the day. Hmmm. Which was yesterday. I was just unable to do anything by 3pm, I was so exhausted. I had been tired enough to nap since noon, but I wanted another great sleep so I was trying not to nap. But by 3pm I had to lie on the sofa for 30 minutes (which didn�t make me feel any better), and then I felt queasy and achy by 5pm so I went to bed till about 6.30. I had the worst tummy ache yesterday evening, but I think it�s just constipation or something. I think Arthur is engaged. My pelvic pain is now constant and I ache all OVER my pelvis. Getting up from any position is really painful and difficult, and once I�m up, it�s hard to start walking because my pelvic joints seem so stiff and painful to move. It gets easier with each step though, I just have to take it really slowly and carefully when I first get up and start walking. I feel like a little old lady the way I have to move around now! Waddling was much more dignified! Also I have more pain and grinding sensations on my bladder and bowel, and it�s kind of�. more difficult to start peeing sometimes. I have to lean waaaay forward on the toilet (detail that I know you�re enjoying, hehe!) sometimes too, if anything is going to happen. I still don�t feel like he�s about to fall out, or like I have a bowling ball between my legs though, but I do feel a heavy bulgy pressure there when I walk sometimes. So I think he�s engaged, or at least more so than before. My belly hasn�t really changed shape, but then he always was low.
I have my baby shower in 2 days!!!! Yay! I�m so excited! I don�t know what to wear. I only fit a couple of my maternity outfits now, and even those are tight on my bump. I have packed so many maternity clothes away � it�s amazing how many clothes that are made for pregnancy simply will NOT fit me now, I am that pregnant! I just feel reeeeally pregnant these days. When I look in the mirror I think, �Oh my gosh, I am soooo pregnant now!� When people ask me how I�m feeling I have started to say that I am feeling really pregnant, because that�s the most accurate answer. In some ways it still feels really surreal that I�m pregnant � especially THIS pregnant. I still can�t believe it�s me that I�m looking at in the mirror, when I see my shape and my clothes just stretched or hanging riiiight out there over my bump. I have a feeling that when Arthur is born and my shape goes back to normal, it�s going to be like a dream that I ever WAS pregnant, and I won�t be able to believe I was ever that shape and size because of a baby growing inside me. I wish I could grasp it and believe it fully, because there�s so little time left, and then this wonderful amazing journey I�ve been on will be over. I know I have a more wonderful journey ahead of me, but I will miss lots of things about this part. It would be nice if I could really believe it had happened!
I am soooo thirsty all the time at the moment. I can�t get enough water to drink. My mouth seems dry a lot, and if I drink like my thirst demands, my stomach gets all sloshy with water and I get queasy. I am queasy a lot more these days, but I wouldn�t say it�s anything like morning sickness or proper nausea. My Braxton Hicks contractions are getting stronger, and some of them are a bit painful, especially on my bladder and bowel. I don�t like how the pressure of the BHs can sometimes make it feel like there�s a hard rock pressing on my stomach, which makes me feel pukey. I can breathe through the BHs and they are definitely not labour or anything, but sometimes I am finding it hard to relax through them if they are particularly uncomfortable or if I have several hard contractions in a row, or if they have lasted a long time. So that makes me a bit worried about how I�ll cope with real labour contractions! I am generally finding myself a lot more nervous about how I�ll cope with labour at the moment, but I guess that�s normal. I keep thinking, �How am I ever going to manage this?!� and once or twice I have gone right out to anxiety and wondered what the heck I�m doing having a homebirth. Which is NOT the real me talking. I just get worried about all those hours of pain, and scared about feeling out of control. I am not good at being out of control. I just have to remember that my body is in control of what it�s doing, that it�s perfectly capable of the whole process, because it was MADE for the job. And that I just have to let my body do it�s thing and ride it out and relax as much as possible. I hope Arthur will be okay, and that he won�t get distressed. I hope I don�t have to transfer to hospital. I think I will get really anxious if that has to happen, and I don�t know how to prevent that.
My birth pool has arrived!!!! Yay! So I feel more and more ready to go into labour now. It arrived yesterday morning in a huge box, which we haven�t unpacked yet. Ideally we should do a test run, especially for seeing how easy/difficult it is to drain the pool after use, but the whole idea is a massive chore right now, and I just want to get the house ready, not fill a huge inflatable pool of water in the living room and figure out how to get the water back out again without soaking the house! Not to mention drying and cleaning the pool again ready for labour. Urgh. So maybe we won�t do a test run, and just hope everything will be straightforward (and no punctures, etc!) on the day/night! Anyway, it�s here, and that�s the important thing. I now have my pain relief options ready and waiting � the pool, and the TENS machine. I have my birth ball pumped up. I have my homebirth pack. Today I am driving to see my brother, which will be nice as I don�t see him very often, and he�s lending me an angle-poise lamp which the midwife said I need at the birth. Then we just need old sheets and towels (although I�ve discovered we have 3 towels that could be used as old towels if need be � but we still need 3 more), and a portable fan heater. Oh, and a tray. And shower curtains. And then we�re ready to go! Except for the house, which STILL feels like it needs a whole lot of work before I can relax and have a baby. The bed in the spare room is still piled high with junk, the changing station isn�t quite organised like I want it, there are piles of things on our bedroom floor that are part-way through being sorted, and then there are a few little things left on the Big List to do. I still need more maternity pads. I need to make stew and casseroles and things for the freezer. I need to finish making birth announcements. I have sooo many emails to catch up on! I don�t know if I�ll get it all done before Arthur arrives though. I think the emails will get left till last, so I�m really sorry about that if I owe you one � especially if he comes before I get round to the emails and thus you absolutely never get a reply!! Which won�t be intentional, but you know. There�s just so much to do right now, and so little time and energy with which to do it all.
Oooh I won an Elle Macpherson nursing bra in exactly my size at eBay!!! How cool is that?! It�s the exact same bra I just spent �30 on last week, but it�s used (but excellent condition) and has matching briefs (which, YUCK, I am not about to use, since they are also second hand!!!). I won them for �11, so that�s good. So now I have 3 excellent nursing bras. I have a bid on an NCT mava bra which is a generous 34E (I was fitted to be 34F for nursing, or 34E on some bras which come up generously in size). So hopefully I�ll get myself some fab quality nursing bras for less money, in time for nursing. I woke up in a little puddle of colostrum the other night! I think that�s the most I have ever leaked at one time. It was all up my arm and on the sheets. I like that I�m ready to feed my baby already!!
I have been having weird weird dreams lately. The other night I dreamt that a doctor told me Arthur wasn�t a boy after all, and the very idea seemed devastating to me for some reason. I just felt like I had bonded so much with my baby boy, that to find out he wasn�t a boy was to lose him. I knew I would bond with a girl, but I couldn�t bear not knowing for sure, so I was going to all these other doctors and even fortune tellers (!) for second opinions. Some of them climbed right inside my womb and took a look and yelled out that it was definitely a girl, but one said it was definitely a boy. So I had this drastic thing done where they took a �specimen� from the baby which I could actually look at with my own eyes and see once and for all whether the baby was a boy or a girl. They handed me the specimen in a polystyrene cup, and it was like cooked ground beef, but there was a tiny penis in there, and I was so happy because there it was � clear evidence that my baby was a boy! But then it hit me that they had removed his penis to show me that he was indeed a boy, and I was absolutely devastated because I realised how stupid I�d been and how my obsession over finding out his sex had damaged him. They told me there was no way they could re-attach his penis and he would be damaged forever, and I was sobbing and crying, it was the worst feeling ever. I woke up and my throat was all squeezy like I�d been straining to cry or something. Weird.
Last night I dreamt that if I pushed my belly out at a certain angle in a certain light, I could see the outline of Arthur�s body and all his features, clear as anything. It sort of looked like an x-ray, but with a lot more solid substance. He was lying lazily on his side, with an arm under the side of his head. He was breech though, which freaked me out, as I had thought he was head-down all that time! And I took a photo of his face through my belly, and we could see his features so clearly. He had Neil�s eyes (shape-wise) and Neil�s nose. I could have watched him forever, but I didn�t want to be naked any longer (!). I have had quite a lot of dreams during pregnancy that my belly is paper thin and I can see the baby�s shape pushed out really clearly, and even cuddle or hold the baby through my belly. I think that�s quite a common pregnancy dream though, because I�ve seen other pregnant ladies write that they have had those dreams during pregnancy.
What else? I have been so easy to get irritable lately. Actually, not just irritable, just reeeally really moody! I get in a bad bad mood with things so easily. I can�t figure if it�s just because I�m tired, or if it�s hormones as well. I have no patience at all with anything. I am swearing a lot and I hate that, but I just get soooo angry and explode about things! Yeurgh. Yesterday everything was piddling me off. I couldn�t make the printer work with the new ink cartridge and it seems that I can�t tolerate feeling frustrated and angry in myself. It just makes me cry and want to throw things. Then I went into the bathroom and there�s a torch that lives on the shelf in there, and it fell onto the floor with a crash, and that was IT. I completely lost it. I picked up the torch and smashed it with all my strength onto the floor, yelling at it for good measure (!!!), and it shattered into a squillion pieces, which I then had to crawl around and find, and put it all back together again. Amazingly it still worked when I finished putting it back together! I felt so ashamed of my temper, because that really isn�t like me at all, and I think acting violent or destructive is just completely pathetic, but it�s like my emotions were just waaay too big for me to hold in. I did feel TONS better for smashing something though! ;) Then last night the tiniest thing on TV made me cry like a baby. I also find that if I get angry and smash something, afterwards I feel so sorry for the thing I smashed (even a torch which doesn�t actually have feelings!) that it makes me cry for the poor item in question! I just cry because I think, �The poor torch! It never did anything to me, how could I be so mean to it?!� So I guess it�s hormones more than tiredness, but the tiredness maybe doesn�t help. Hmmm. Come on Arthur � Mummy is going slightly crazy the longer she has to wait for you!
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